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Male Masturbation/Going Solo During Sex

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Question
I (26f) am asking this question about my fiance (23m) of 1.5yrs.
First, the issue. My fiance can ejaculate 3 ways; masturbating while sitting up/foward in a chair or lying down and to the side with his legs crossed, and through vaginal intercourse without a condom. Anything else we've done never seems to work. Hands, oral, using lubricants, playing with temperature or pressure of grip, different settings or times of day change nothing. I am allergic to latex so we have been using  non-latex condoms and lubricant. We try not to make a habit out of unprotected sex for risk of pregnancy. He says it feels good with the condom but the sensation isn't as strong. He feels everything and loves receiving oral but he can't climax from it, and that's okay. The problem is that when we do have sex and he wants to finish, he winds up going solo. I try to "help" anyway I can so that it still feels like we're in it together but it's hard. The way he masturbates is a very isolated event. When he is really into it, he tucks in and I can't reach his penis or testicles or anything down there. The best I can do is random moaning, kisses, caresses, licking his outer thighs (inner is inaccessible) or his tummy (can't reach lower), and letting him watch me touch myself. It is a part of the experience I feel cut off from and helpless in. It feels less intimate and a little hurtful. I know it's not like that though and it doesn't sting as bad as before.

We have talked about it and he knows about it. I just try not to focus on it too much because I don't want to create unnecessary anxiety in him about it. At the same time, I don't want that to be how our sex ends for the rest of our life together. Other than a few of life's stressors, our relationship is wonderful and the sex is fun and awesome until we get to this part. I tried to ask him some questions about why those positions work for him. No sensation difference, it is just how he's always done it. In any other position it feels good and he gets close but he doesn't climax, with or without ejaculate. He feels like he is failing and I don't want him think that way. I try to tell him to relax and enjoy himself in sex or alone, to have fun and try different things. I love him more than anything and I don't want this whole thing to slowly eat away at us. I don't want to not feel like having sex with the most delicious guy in my world because it bums me out and gets him down. Do you have any suggestions on anything we can do?

Answer
I would suggest masturbatory retraining.  On http://www.healthystrokes.com, a form of masturbation called prone masturbation is discussed.  What your fiancÚ does is almost as bad.  Instead of being curled up in a ball to masturbate, he should be lying on his back and stroking with one hand.  He could take about a week off from ejaculation and the work at learning to masturbate on his back with one hand.

The only way he can change is if he is the one who wants to change.  It doesn't make much difference what you want.  I would suggest he read http://www.healthystrokes.com and plan to take a week off from ejaculating soon.

Male Masturbation

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Doug Adams, Ph.D.

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I write from the point of view that masturbation is normal, healthy, and fun, and even necessary to sexual health. I am able to answer questions in all areas of sexuality.

Experience

I am the author of the web site HealthyStrokes.com and have been answering questions about sexuality (especially masturbation) from both males and females for over 13 years.

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I have a Ph.D. in a field unrelated to sexuality from one of the leading educational institutions of the world.

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