AboutDonald Bosch Expertise I can answer most questions concerning marriage, commitment to a spouse, and what it takes to make a marriage an excellent and enriching experience for both partners.
Experience I have been married for 23 years to a wonderful treasure of a woman. We are now young retirees living on a small private island without road access to the mainland. This is not necessarily because I wish to keep my wife in a safe place, but more so because we enjoy each others company so much that we decided to move away from the mainstream hustle-bustle of society. We sold our business to change our lifestyle to allow for more time together. This allows me to spend 24 hours per day with my wife who also happens to be my best buddy, 7 days per week, 12 months per year. As we evolve together, we find more and more happiness in our marriage. We have raised a child and have lived, worked and loved together with harmony and happiness for a long time and will continue to do so. I can speak from my own experience and perhaps help others understand what is necessary to find happiness with your spouse. Married life is a challenge for many, but should not be at all. It is a commitment that needs to be nurtured and consistently maintained, and there are ways to make this quite easy to do.
I can answer questions in English and French.
Education/Credentials Adequate Passing Grades from The School of Life for the last 49 years.
Expert: Donald Bosch Date: 7/11/2008 Subject: Heading into a separation
Question QUESTION: I don’t really know where to start but here goes. My wife and I have only been married for a year; we’ve been dating for 3 years prior to the wedding. Starting about 3 months after the wedding I found an on line conversation of a sexual nature between her and a friend. I confronted her and she said it was nothing but flirtation and that nothing was going on. Over the next 6 months I found more communications between them, and always the same answer, nothing going on, just flirtation. By this time I have to admit that I had become a bit of a stalker with her e-mail accounts and phone texts, causing her to lock all these things. I became increasingly suspicious of her, and always asking where she was, who she was seeing, what she was up to, etc. Then about three month ago, we had a party at our house and at 3 in the morning she disappears with this same guy, very drunk and doesn’t get home till 10 the next morning! Of course I am very mad, and while we are arguing about it, she says she wants a separation…… I am totally blindsided by this and immediately look into counseling, first for myself, because she says I need to change the way I am smothering her, and cure my suspicions. I got a counselor and he told me that I had to start believing her and stop being so suspicious of her, and start trusting her. His reasoning was that I had never caught her doing anything with anybody, and therefore had no proof that anything was going on, and that my constant disbelief of her, especially if she was telling the truth, would push her away further. I tried very hard to follow his recommendations and thought everything was going quite well, but then she said she was feeling an overwhelming need to be “alone” so we went to couples counseling. The counselor asked us both what we felt the problem was, and she said she truly didn’t know, he said that until she could come to some idea of what she was feeling, that there was really nothing he could work on with us, and suggested that she go to counseling on her own. She is now in counseling by herself, but she is very closed about what is going on. She said that it was her counselor’s recommendation that if she could get some “space” it might help her along, this was after only 3 visits! She has told me she still loves me very much, but just feels an overwhelming need to be alone right now, no matter what I do or say, she just can’t seem to shake this feeling. She assures me there is absolutely nothing going on with this other guy, and that she is not interested in seeing any other people, and that she still loves me very much, but that she just needs time alone. I am totally devastated by this turn of events, I have agreed to the separation, only because my other option was to have her grow further distant and threaten me with her eventual filing for a divorce if I didn’t give her the “space” she needs. I really want this to work, and right now she seems to have no plan, or any idea of how long this “space” she needs might last. I would really like to have our couple’s counselor help us set up a set of guidelines to follow during this separation, as I fear, from what I have managed to read on line, that most separations without guidelines end up in divorce. I guess I am just looking for any advice that you might be able to give as to where I can go from here? She is the center of my universe, and I love her so deeply, the thought of being without her is disrupting everything in my life right now! I think about this constantly, I am depressed and mad, and confused all the time, it’s affecting my work, my sleep, and every other part of my life. I just want this to work, and to have her back with me, happy and laughing, like she used to be. Thanks for your time and consideration.
Dave
ANSWER: Hi Dave,
I hope that you will be open minded and that you will fully understand what my opinion is on this matter.
I am an observer and as such can only go with what I have been told of the issue from your end of the spectrum. I will assume that what you write are the facts as you see them and will react to the information as I see it.
When you are married... It is customary to show the utmost respect and care for a spouse. The very thought that she had engaged in flirtatious behaviour of a sexual nature with someone other than you is already a warning sign to me. Flirting is not necessary because the fact that she married you should be a commitment to show that there is no need for flirting, and certainly not after but 1 year of marriage. Flirting is overrated and an ill-advised activity at best because the person that one flirts with may see it as more than that, and it often leads to less than desirable results and assumptions.
The fact that your WIFE would leave a party , inebriated, and with another man to come back the morning after is another sign that your wife may have a problem with respect to her end of the commitment to your marriage.
I personally don't really care for counselors unless I know that they themselves have been married for a very long period of time. Ask the counselor how long they have been married before you choose one.
Let's assume that there was nothing going on between your wife and the other fellow. What manner of choice is it for a wife to get drunk and then to top it off, leave a gathering with another man than her own husband? It simply doesn't jive. Human nature is not a sophisticated matter, Dave. We human are rife with imperfections and are the only species that can harm one another for reasons other than survival or instinct.
I sincerely believe that trust and respect must be earned. Your wife is redirecting this towards her needs and is asking you for some room. The trust that you may have had has been breached and this puts you in a very very difficult position, because now your feelings of jealousy and distrust are eating you up.
I would like you to look at one thing only. You have no children from what I can see. Your wife has engaged in actions that have made you doubt her commitment. Whether anything happened is besides the question. The fact that the issue happened tells me that you are both still young and that she has not yet fully understood the nature of what marriage means.
I think you should give her the space. If you don't, you lose her for sure.If you do, you may still lose her, but at least you'll know that you won;t have to live through something like this again. Jealousy and distrust can eat you away and make your life miserable.
You have a choice. At least show her that you trust her, or walk away if you cannot deal with the feelings. I'm sure you love her, but you are also young enough to find someone who may not wish to compromise your commitment to each other in the same manner she did.
If you choose to forget and trust , then you can never bring the issue up again. If you do, you have compromised your own integrity.
Make sure that you do not show her that you cannot live without her, because first of all it isn't true. Secondly, it gives her the power to have time to work out her options, while she knows full well, you'll be waiting on the sidelines until she is ready to commit to you. She may not have finished her playing around and gotten married to quickly. She may feel that what she did is innocent. I assure you, it wasn't.
Yes, granted.......you went over the deep end by constantly checking her and being distrustful......but what made those feelings come out in you? Her actions. You smothered her because she was engaging in activity less than becoming for a wife.
You now need to revise your own feelings and look at whether you want to take a chance at this happening again, because in my opinion, at least one string of the rope that bound you together has been compromised here.
People tend to too easily discard little issues of trust and honor these days. I am an old-fashioned fellow who believes that true integrity lies in the ability to face temptations of everyday life and vigorously fight them with no room for compromise. This is what one should look for in a partner as well.
Your wife compromised your trust in her, and I put forth that at this time, it should be YOU who is asking for some time to be alone and consider whether this is the person you truly wish to spend the rest of your life with. Take the time, and forget your feelings of love for her because they cloud judgment more often than not. Judge what your actions should be on the merits of character and integrity first, for they are what drives the possibility of a sustained and durable relationship.
I hope you find it in you to review all that has happened and look at it from a perspective that allows you to clearly identify where she went wrong, and where you went wrong.
I believe that you initially could have handled this differently, but I also believe that you are both young yet and may not have the experience to address something like this without making a mistake here and there.
Leave her be...........give her the room....but most of all, give yourself some room. Your love currently is clouding the fact that she did do something to seriously compromise your trust in her.
Be an adult and mature man in this and tell her straight up, that you are willing to give her time, and that you yourself need to review your feelings as well. While you both are contemplating your futures, make sure that you at no time call her or bother her while the process is taking place. If she is adamant about being with you and committed, she will herself find you. If she isn't , then there is nothing in the world you can do about it. The fact that you do not contact her will show that you are true, and will put her on alert as to the seriousness of the issue. It will also show her that you are able to handle a tough situation without compromising your maturity. In cases like this, you need to cast aside your feelings of love for a little while because that they can seriously cloud your judgment. Fight the need to be with her for a while and fight the feelings that make you think she is your whole world. YOU are for the next little while...your whole world.
Dave, in life we strive to do many things, but in the end when we leave this earth, we are only remembered by who we were and what manner of honor and integrity we left behind. Along the way, there will be many bumps, It is the manner in which we decide to negotiate these bumps that define us as individuals. Negotiate this one in a mature and decisive manner, and you will be rewarded for your efforts in many more ways than one. I tell you this from experience, as my marriage of many many years was built on trust, commitment and honor, and then love. In my view, those ingredients are the only recipe for a lasting and fulfilling relationship.
I hope this helps.
Don.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Thanks for your prompt answer Don, It's appreciated. About the only thing that you got wrong is the "young" part, I am 50, and she is 39, otherwise I agree with everything else you are saying. Unfortunately I have already broken almost all that you have said, by begging her not to do this, and telling her that I can not live without her. In all honesty, even if she has strayed, I still want to work this out with her, and at this moment I am pretty sure she feels the same way. She tells me she loves me, and that she wants this to work. But somehow she is a different person than the girl I married, she rarely smiles anymore, and drinks a little to much lately. Our friends notice it as well, so it's not just me......... in fact even she says she misses the person she was before, and knows she has changed, she says she want to be that person again, and I want it to! I will give her the space she has requested, as you suggest, and hopefully she will find her way back to me. I will also stop bringing up the past and try to not show her how hurt I am, and be stronger. Lastly, I have read that in almost ALL cases that a separation without some set guidelines always lead to divorce, do you agree? and if so how do we go about setting up these guidelines? Should we use our counselor for this? or figure some rules out ourselves? I am hoping to use the counselor as it gives me a solid foundation to work with, and there can be no "that's not what we agreed to" or "that's not what I meant" after the fact. What do you think, I really can't stand the thought of just moving out and sitting and waiting till she makes up her mind, with no time lines, or commitment to working on our problems while we are apart.
Answer Hi David,
Thanks for elaborating. I'm happy that you see that you need to step back and allow her to find out what she wants. Absence, it is said, makes the heart grow fonder. It allows one to experience the feeling of loss that is connected to not having a partner readily available to meet one's needs. Most people wish for a witness to share their lives with, and when we have a spouse , she/he is our witness. Without one, we often seem be somewhat aimless in our quest to find happiness.
Concerning your wish to use a counselor to put some guidelines in place,
I cannot say if this is the correct course of action.
I will give you my impressions as to why.
Life is full or rules and regulations, parameters and borders. We are held to them each day of our life. Sometimes our true feelings or characteristics do not have a chance to show themselves, due to these guidelines. Agreed, they guide us towards a choice of action, however limiting the choice somewhat.
Your phrase: "I have read that in almost ALL cases that a separation without some set guidelines always lead to divorce, do you agree?"
Guidelines are designed to control behaviour or at least limit it to certain choices.
I ask this then: Does this recipe then truly allow for a person to make choices 100% based on their feelings or desires?
If guidelines are not set then is it safe to assume that choices will be made that lead to divorce due to a lack of these guidelines? Or could it be that the persons involved chose to make decisions based on a total freedom of choice, which ultimately leads to a more realistic truth in their actions?
I don't know if you understand what I am trying to say or if I am expressing it properly. Basically, I am saying that if you set rules for a public roadway, it is understandable. Can we though set rules or guidelines when it comes to people's feelings and desires and get a result that is true? I choose to believe we cannot.
Example:
A couple decide to separate for a while to find what they really want. There are no guidelines or rules to follow during the time period. One of the two decides that he/she wishes to look for comfort elsewhere in the process. Does this mean that the lack of guidelines is responsible? Not a chance. It means that the person reacted to their feelings, and has shown that the commitment to the initial person just isn't there.
If there is no time period allocated......the same applies. If one partner continuously wishes to time period to be vague and extended, then it is safe to say that within that person, the lack of setting a personal time frame for a resolution is not as important as it should be. If the time period is set beforehand, it creates a pressure, which may or may not contribute to choices that may not be true to the person's innermost desires.
I personally think you should have a sit down and discuss the full reason why you would be apart for a while, and if it is anything else than an exercise to find out how you can come together in greater harmony, then you need to review the basics. You and your spouse should be able to decide on a loose time frame, without pressure. I would apply no other constraints or guidelines. They may serve to block certain actions which may otherwise not show themselves, but ultimately are a sign of commitment and integrity towards achieving the set goal.
Make sure that you do not have contact in the first weeks, so that you both can feel the level of discomfort you will experience by not being together. It is this level that makes the process go forward. When you miss someone greatly, your mind is on the issue. This is when you make your decisions and weigh all your options.
On the other hand, if the feelings of discomfort are not there, then that also tells a story. This is simply the truth of the matter. We cannot be told what to feel or how to feel. Our emotions must be taken as they come, and they must be controlled when necessary.
Your task, being that you know what you want, is to let her have the time necessary to find out what she wants and how she wishes to go forward. She will appreciate the time, and you will be a better person for giving her the chance to find herself once again. If nothing, you will have achieved a new degree of understanding yourself and building your strength in the face of these difficult situations.
What ever you choose to do, realize that the outcome usually is what is best for both of you, because it will be managed by your respective feelings and desires.
