AboutS.Kessler Expertise I can answer most any type of questions relating to marriage. I have been divorced and I`m remarried. I have been through many things throughout the years. I will try to offer solutions to a problem you have whether it be; divorce, adultery, advice on a spouse, etc. I`d be happy to answer, to the best of my ability, any questions you might have.
Experience I have been a volunteer for all experts for over 8 yrs now. I volunteer in more than 2 catagories/topics involving marriage type issues. I have helped a lot of people.
Question QUESTION: My husband and I split 2 years ago this summer. What sparked the problems was I lost my mother and grandmother (my core family) within 3 months of each other and all of a sudden he came to me saying "he felt he needed to be on his own", confessed to cheating over the years etc. He said he felt that way for about a year but ofcourse how and when he sprang it upon me was pretty brutal. We are now living in the same city again and every 3-4 months I hear from him-I think he wants to keep tabs. I guess is it normal that I still think of him now and again and wonder how he is, even after 2 years. I was with him for 10 1/2 years. Part of me feels I should not even be caring about him especially with what he put me through-any advice here?
ANSWER: Hi Sarah~
I think it's normal for you to wonder about him from time to time. After all you did have a fair amount of time and years invested in this marriage. And it was unfortunate that he cheated on you and then sprung all of this suddenly on you in your most desperate time of need. Just know that all of these thoughts and feelings (meaning from going from one extent to the other is indeed normal--i.e. a love/hate relationship with him).
However, when/if he does contact you, you don't have to engage in any kind of conversation with him at all. He's most likely (as you suspected) being nosey and wanting to know what you're doing and how your living life w/o him. If you wish you could change your number so that he has no way to contact you again. Or you can just be cordial with him and keep it short and very brief. He obviously has unfinished feelings/business with you or he wouldn't keep in contact with you like he has been.
I guess my point is you should go with your heart and do what's right for you and what makes you happy. This isn't about him anymore, it's about you being happy and finally moving past all that had happened between both of you.
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QUESTION: This is helpful. Lastly, and this is my ego stuff, in the end he ofcourse said him leaving had nothing to do with how much he loved me. I still to this day question if he loved me so much how could he do these things and I almost feel like he will use my experience for how to treat the next women in his life better-I hate and feel jaded that I am "the example" he will use for how not to treat someone. How can I get past this feeling?
Answer Hi Sarah~
You have to stop letting your ego get in the way of things. You can't control how he acts (or others), but you do control how you react to him. Why let him have that power over you, he wins when you feel like this (and he doesn't even have to be around to do it! Can't you see it? You're still letting him control your emotions? You have to take back that power and stop letting him have it over you.
The past is the past it's over and done, you can't change what happened. These were circumstances that he created (by making decisions of his own) and you had no control over what he did, and how he acted at the time (and even today, when he called you to check up on you).
Besides if he'll treat you like this, then he's going to treat other woman after you the very same way. He's set in his ways and it's highly unlikely he's going to change his habits and ways with any other woman he may become involved in.
Have you divorced him yet? If you haven't then you seriously need to get on the ball and do so (I don't recall you mentioning if you had divorced or not. B/c this can be a means of him keeping control over you mentally and emotionally. And could be a reason you can't let go so easily. You need closure for this relationship, so that you can eventually start your life over anew and be happy. If you have divorced him then you have to learn to let go of your life with him. I know it's hard to do and it's sometimes a very slow process but you can do it. You have to have that drive and will. He can't make you feel inferior w/o your permission. You must finally realize that.
The key to finally letting go of all this hurt and pain is to finally forgive him. And the best part is you don't even have to say one word to him. Just forgive him and be ready to move on with your life to get past all the hurt and pain he caused you. Letting go can be very scary, painful but eventually very freeing and feeling like the weight of the world has been lifted off of your shoulders. Stop carrying this burden with you. It's not yours to bare any more. Unless and until you forgive him, you're going to be an emotional slave to him. You don't want or need that at all. It's time to let go of him and the emotional/mental pain he's caused you. You simply have to or you'll continue to be unhappy and miserable. The forgiveness part is for you, not him.
