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Marriage - marriage ending

Expert: Samantha - 11/3/2009

Question

whew, where do I start. Well I have things on my mind and I have no one to talk to except my 16 year old daughter who is mainly responsible for our problem and I feel horrible that she feels responsible when I tell her whats going on. It started about 6 months ago. My husband gradually withdrew from me and intimacy stopped completely. We had become like room mates rather than husband and wife. When I confronted him about it he says that when I made the decision to let my daughter move in with her best friends family that that was the straw that broke the camels back. My daughter was very unhappy living with us mainly because she had no friends here and she hated her school, you know typical teenage girl stuff, I guess. Well she asked me one day if she could go live at her best friends house, which is about 40 miles away. I didn't want her to be unhappy so I said yes. When I told my husband about it, which by the way is not her father, her father passed away about 10 years ago, he said no way, if she goes, I go. He claims that her best friends family is dysfunctional and by the way, her friends father used to be my husbands best friend until he got back into drugs and stopped contacting my husband. As a matter of fact, that's how I met my husband was through this girls father. I did not take him seriously when he said no because in the past whenever we fought and he said he was going to leave, he didn't so I thought he was bluffing. Well, because I let her go anyway that told my husband that I didn't care about him and that my daughter is spoiled and always gets her way. When he withdrew from me, I became suspicious of him maybe seeing someone else. I looked at his cell phone that had messages that sounded like he was. When I confronted him, he said those are not my messages they are emails sent to my phone by people I don't even know. Then he locked his cell phone so I couldn't get in anymore. So I looked at his email account which I set up for him so I knew his password. I found a confirmation from an airline of a ticket he bought with him and this other woman that I know from the gym as the passengers going to Vegas which he told me that he was going to Arizona for work for a conference on that weekend. When I confronted him he said that he purposely put that in his email to test me to see if I was checking his email, HA! can you believe that? He finally admitted later that he didn't want to hurt me and that's why he didn't tell me the truth. From that point on I moved downstairs to the couch. He wanted to move out but couldn't afford it besides he is not going to live somewhere else and pay rent on two places. I cannot afford to move out either right now so we are separated but living together. I also found his bank statement showing all this money he was spending obviously on someone else. It showed the Vegas trip including a show, restaurants, Victoria Secret, etc. I was crushed because during our marriage of 6 years, he never made an effort with me. We never went out to eat, movies, nothing. We did take a trip to Vegas to get married and all he ever did was sleep. He takes meds for back pain. He would wake up in the middle of the night and go to the casino and gamble. He expected me to ask when I wanted to do something and I was used to my first husband making all the plans and he was used to his second wife making all the plans. I didn't ask him because all he ever does is sleep when we are at home and I felt if he really wanted to do something, he would arrange it, I didn't want him to feel obligated because I asked. So you can imagine how hurt I am right now that he is obviously spending time with someone else, someone I know and who tried to befriend me always asking me to become a client of hers as she is a personal trainer. I even texted her one time and said I know you are seeing my husband, you can have him I don't want him, etc. my husband said I needed to apologize for accusing her of that because they are just friends. Like a dummy, I did and she responded by saying that she completely understands and that she was mad at my husband for wanting to get separated with me. I don't know what to think, it could be someone else. I have become obcessed with finding out and I keep checking the history of websites that he visited to catch him at something. For instance, last night he said he was going to work, which I tend to believe because he is a tech that fixes air-conditioning at a major department store for more than one county and on occasion has to work at night. Well, I went and checked his computer and sure enough there was a website for a movie theater that he looked at. I assumed he was going to the movies with this person so I drove there and did not see his company van which he drives because I am using his truck since my son crashed my SUV. I thought well maybe he drove to her place and took her car so I waited about 20 min and didn't see anything so I left. I was probably too early or too late according to the movie schedule I saw. Anyway, I have vented enough, any advice?

Answer
Hi Lynne~

You know that this has absolutely nothing to do with your daughter or her moving out, right? He's using that as an excuse to act the way he has been. From all that you've described, you are likely right and he has/is seeing someone else. Listen to your gut instincts, they were there for a reason and that's to tell you when something feels right or not. Listen to them and trust them, they will never steer you wrong, that's a promise. So if you strongly believe in your heart of hearts he's cheating on you and wining and dining someone, then you're probably dead on right about this whole cheating issue. His actions do speak louder than this words ever will. When my first husband cheated on me, the first time I knew absolutely nothing about it (he cheated with co-workers), I began to suspect something as time went on and my gut instincts were right, although I didn't have concrete proof. The first time like an idiot I forgave him and even took him back. He didn't change and before long he was up to his old tricks once again (not just once, twice but he cheated five times that I know for sure, even though to this very day he'll deny it to my face), but I knew better. Anyway, it caused major problems between us too. The last straw came when I was pregnant and in the hospital giving birth to our third child and he cheated and went out with her (as he did on many occasions). I kicked him to the curb and made him move out. He, of course, denied it all, said he was sorry and wanted to make things work...blah...blah...blah. I was done, I had had enough and knew in my heart he wasn't going to change ever. I moved back home was a single mother to three small children (the youngest a five week old infant), filed for a divorce (this was the second time I filed but decided to go through with the divorce after all his empty promises) and was determined to move on with my life and be happy once and for all. It was the hardest, yet best decision of my life to this very day, and I do NOT regret divorcing him not once.

Divorce is a tough thing to go through but sometimes it's a necessary evil for a person to do. If he can't give you what you want, need, desire, deserve and expect in this marriage then you need to move on with your life w/o him in it. You will be fine, you'll rebound and you'll eventually be happier in due time. It takes a while to start feeling better and being happy when you're going through rough times in your life. It does get easier, I promise. Why be with someone that can't commit to you and be open and honest with you. A spouse is supposed to be open, honest, loving, caring and most of all respectful to their partner. He's currently not capable of giving you what you need/deserve in this marriage. Maybe it is for the best, even though it's painful to endure right now, that you cut your losses and move on with your respectful life. Stop trying to dig so hard for what he's hiding, it'll only prolong your pain and make you that much more resentful and angry the more you find out. Don't do that to yourself, it's not worth it at the end of the day. The choice is yours and it's one that only you can make. So while you can't control how he acts, you do control how you react to him (and others as well). He can't make you feel inferior w/o your permission. Remember that. I hope this helps you some.

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