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Marriage/My husband's attitude is killing me


My husband and I have been married for about a year and a half. We had a brief courtship before he asked me to marry him. I said yes based on what I had seen. Initially everything was perfect but that lasted for a couple of months. I started noticing that our sex life was deteriorating constantly and spoke to him about it. He said he was tired most of the time so I tried to be understanding. A few days later I found about that he was pleasuring himself with porn while he knew how much I wanted sex in our lives. When I confronted him he lied but later admitted to it. He promised that it would never happen again and that he didn't know I had such a big problem with porn. But our love life didn't improve. The frequency kept going down every month. Now it's once a week if I'm lucky. I feel inadequate and self conscious, which I never did before. The worst part is trying to talk to him about these things because he has a terrible attitude. He is always the victim, always the one hurt and I'm always the bad guy for saying these things. Everytime we have a discussion on this or the time we should spend together it turns into an argument. He says eveything he has to and then stone walls me for days. I feel hesitant in discussing anything with him because of the back lash and yet I'm the one always saying sorry and trying to sort things out. It's frustrating and exasperating to be with him. I do love him but I don't know how long I can do that for.

Hi Suruchi~

He must not really realize what a huge toll this is taking on you.  It's human instinct to want to be loved, cared for and most importantly to feel affection from our partners, this includes being intimate and having a good or decent sexual attraction and relationship with a spouse. You need to try to get him to understand this.  And just how much it's hurting you when your sexual relationship and intimacy has dwindled to almost nothing (besides once per week).  You have to let him know that this is concerning to you.  You want to have a healthy sex life with him.  And when you don't it makes you feel self conscience, which you've never had a problem with in the past before.  So this is not only upsetting to you, but you're wondering what it going on with him.  Is it something you're doing or not doing for him in the bedroom?  Is he not as attracted to you?  Is he having some addiction problem to the porn that he's watching and it's beginning to affect his performance sexually?  You want to him him through this if this is a problem for him, so that he doesn't have to go through this alone.  When you talk to him try to do it in a loving, caring, concerned, yet calm, nonconfronational manner.  B/c if he feels that he's being judged by you, he will most likely clam up, become very defensive and refuse to talk to you about this at all.  Ask him if there is anything you can do for him.  That you want to be there to support him to the best of your ability as his wife. But by the token you can't be expected to be shut out and ignored and he continues to view the porn and your sex life suffers and so ultimately does the marriage.  He's pushing you away by not talking to you and opening up to you about just what exactly is going on with him and why this is happening.  And you don't know honestly how much longer you can even take this, b/c it's pushing you away and making you feel unloved and unwanted by him.  Something has to happen or it's only going to get that much worse as time goes on.  I hope this helps you some.  


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