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hi,
i have been married since three years. i have a 1 yr old kid.
i have a problem in dealing with my husband and my in-laws.

as soon as we got married, we both went to be in United states and we had a very good relation ship there.
After getting trust and understanding only , i was committed to have a  baby.

but am wrong, i have understood only with out his family not around with him.
For my delivery i came back to india, since then i had a real tough time with my in-laws.

though i was staying at my mom's place, they used to call me regularly to their house and used to make me stay with my in-laws ( my husband used to be in different town then ) during my stay , am not supposed to talk to my husband or my mom.
it was not a direct restriction but kind of showing up their agony in a different way.
also, my mother in law needs to know every discussion of me and my husband and every thing what i am doing ( buying dresses, or anything)

now am back to my husband after my delivery and un-expectedly my father-in-law expired.
my husband immediately brought my mother in law to our house and she used to always say that am his second priority . she is his first priority.
even my husband used to say to please her mom and make her happy as she is in difficult situation. i dont have any problem in that but what makes her happy is wierd.
she wants me to gossip all the time and get involved in topics about cleaning and cooking stuff which i think are not a points to discuss so much.
instead i can put my energy in some thing useful.
now my MIL went to be with my husband's bro and i have a busy time here with baby and work.
even if i dont call her one day she makes a big fuss out of it.
also, my husband also pushes me to talk to her daily.
if i dont call, he scolds saying am not caring about her.
he always says to satisy his mom , i do not know why?
also, he wont be so intimate with him these days.
when i ask him who is his first priority , he answers diplomatically that all are equal but his behaviour always favours his mom.
am loosing interest to live with him but am scared of divorce and consequences.
as my kid needs financial and dad's moral support.
am not feeling like to stay in this house where am not his love.
Please advise me how to keep myself sane in this situation.

Answer
Hi Karuna~

Talk to him about how this is affecting you and what it's doing to you.  You can put forth the effort if you'd like to phone his mother and make small talk with her by checking on her, etc.  This might keep the peace with your husband and you.  Keep yourself busy doing things that need to be done.  When you have the opportunity you need to sit down with him and have a serious heart to heart talk with him about all of this.  And what you're willing and unwilling to put up with in this marriage.  That this hurts your feelings when you feel like he's putting his mother before you and your needs.  Try to explain to him that you do understand that his mother needs him and he needs to be there for her when she needs him, but you need him as well.  But that a lot of the time you feel he's neglecting you and you need time and attention from him too.  

Perhaps if you show him that you care about his mother and you're putting forth that small effort to check on her, he will notice that and will lay off of scolding you.  At the same time he has to realize that the world does not revolve around his mother, and that you have a household, baby, bills, etc to take care of.   Try to keep yourself busy and immerse yourself in other things to take your mind off of these issues.  

Also talk to him about how when he hounds you about doing things for his mother, that it's taking a huge toll on you and it's making you not want to be around him or to do things with him b/c of the stress and pressure he puts on you about always catering to his mother's needs.  You have wants and needs of your own and you need to him to focus on being a family together with you and you need him to help raise your baby with you.  And if he doesn't it's going to push you further away from him and you might get pushed to the point of where you don't even want to be with him b/c of how he's acting and putting his mother first in everything.  It's not fair to you that he's doing this.  Hopefully he'll listen to you and hear you out and he'll finally realize that you and the baby are just as important as his mother is.  I hope this helps you some.  

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