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Marriage/my husband choose porn instead of me

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Question
Greetings sir,
first of all, i choose you to help me answer my question because i wanted to know your opinion as a man regarding my problem.I have been married less than a year and now i'm pregnant with our first child.  Ever since we get married, our sex life had become less interesting and it seems like my husband are less interested in having sex with me. I had caught him so many times watching pornography. I'm not sure if watching porn is the thing that could arouse him instead of having it with me. I used to communicate with him if he needed to spark up our sex life. but he will always say that he is fine with everything and he don't want anything to change. My question is, do i need to just let him find his own way of arousing himself, or should i do something about it. Now i just feel unwanted.it makes me feel so sad and down because he don't need me anymore to satisfy him.Help me please.i don't want this issue to become a problem in our marriage in future.

Answer
Hello Izure - I am not a sex therapist, but have some general suggestions. From what you write, you already have a marital problem.

1] ask him if he's happy to be a father and is looking forward to co-parenting with you. If not, having sex may remind him of this;

2} Learn whether he (or you) may have inherited psychological "wounds" from his/your ancestors. If so, that's apt to cause serious relationship problems, including sex. Using porn is often a way of distracting from inner pain:

http://sfhelp.org/gwc/gwc.htm

http://sfhelp.org/gwc/1_traits.htm

http://sfhelp.org/cycle.htm

http://sfhelp.org/gwc/assess.htm

3] See if there are any helpful options in this article:

http://sfhelp.org/relate/mates/sex.htm

4] Get as clear as you can on how his behavior affects you [what you think, feel and need.] Then tell him this when you're both undistracted. I useful way of doing this is called an "I-message."

http://sfhelp.org/cx/skills/assert.htm

5] See if any of these ideas help you uncover and resolve relationship problems between you two. Loss of sexual desire can be a symptom of other problems:

http://sfhelp.org/relate/keys/analyze.htm

http://sfhelp.org/relate/keys/premises.htm

6]  See if any of these ideas help you two communicate and problem-solve better:

http://sfhelp.org/cx/improve.htm

This is a LOT to absorb and integrate, so take your time. If you have questions about any of these articles, please ask!

 I hope the New Year brings you and your child security and happiness. - Pete  

Marriage

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Peter Gerlach, MSW

Expertise

I can answer questions about choosing a mate wisely, marital communications and problem solving, affairs, same-gender relationships, trust, respect, bonding and intimicy, values differences, boundary problems, grieving, dealing with ex mates, parents, and in-laws, remarriage, separation, divorce, abuse, feeling unloved, codependence, psychological wounds, money disputes, balancing kids, careers, and marital primacy, etc. I cannot answer legal or medical questions

Experience

I've been a professional family-systems therapist in private practice for 33 years. I have specialized in helping people avoid and adapt to divorce, and manage remarriage ans stepfamilies, since 1979. I've studied and taught classes in interpersonal communication for over 40 years, and have presented over 200 seminars on a wide range of human-relationswhip topics to Chicago-area churches, schools, menyal-health agencies, and businesses, and have been featured on Chicago and national radio and TV. I have been married and divorced. I now believe all marital and family problems are caused by five little-known factors - see http://sfhelp.org/hazatrds. This forms the basis of my work as therapist and educator.

Organizations
I now answer "AllExpert.com" questions on stepparenting, communication, and counseling. I belong to "SelfGrowth.com, "Death with Dignity," "Compassion and Choices," and to the online Adverse Childhood Experience Study (ACES) at http://acestudy.org/

Publications
I've published over 200 free Internet articles on childhood-trauma recovery and wholistic health, communication skills, healthy grieving, human relationships (including marriage and divorce), family health, effective parenting, and managing a stepfamily). These articles are in the form of seven free self-improvement lessons (http://sfhelp.org). These articles are augmented by 168 YouTube videos ("gercacn" channel); I've published a book on childhood-trauma recovery ("Who's *REALLY Running Your Life?"), and other books on interpersonal communicactioin skills ("Satisfactions"), remarriage ("The Remarriage Book"), "Stepfamily Courtship", and "Stepfamily Co-parenting" All published by Xlibris.com.

Education/Credentials
Bachelors degree in Mechanical Engineering (BSME) from Stanford University (1959); Masters degree in Social Work (MSW) from George Williams college (1981); hundreds of hours of post-grad trainng from Northwestern U. the University of Chicago, et. al. in a wide range of human-relationship topics.

Awards and Honors
The state of Illinois licensed me to practice clinical social work in 1981. I was selected twice to serve on the board of the Stepfamily Association of America (SAA), and am currently on the Stepfamily-expert panel at Auburn University; I was the Board chairman at a major public mental-health agency in suburban chicago, and was the chairman of the Parent Relations Council for a major suburban High School. I currently have over 500 subscibers on YouTube since I began uploading educational videos in May, 2011.

Past/Present Clients
I've worked with over 1,000 men; women; dating, merried, remarried, divorcing, and redivorcing couples; and whole families. I'm currently 74, semi-retired, and disabled, and I do therapy with people and couples by phone and Internet (Skype).

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