Marriage/Getting my wife to engage
Moving On wrote at 2012-11-05 20:59:48
I am presently going through a divorce over similar circumstances. We saw relationship counselors for a little over a year. One characteristic of my avoidant wife is that she can not look at herself critically enough to really take responsibility for the destruction her avoidance wreaks. After 16 years of marriage and a empty sex life, what really set us off was the impending death of my Mother. I demanded more intimacy saying that our relationship could not survive the lack of touch, that we were drifting apart. She instinctively withdrew further and efforts to connect were endlessly frustrating. I compare her to a wild dog in her physical skittishness and avoidance of eye contact. It was unbearable, while watching my mother dye I had a wife that was pushing me away. She simply does not have the capacity for intimacy that can maintain a healthy relationship. Our kids are old enough now to manage, they know we are better off apart. She carried resentment from years of conflict avoidance as it turns out, and she was just gone. She told me she wanted a divorce right around the time we were moving my Mother back home to Dad's house to die. She blamed our counselor for that, she can not take responsibility for her actions or lack of. I was too needy. A year later we are really doing the divorce thing. I did all my work, looked at how I was in fact inclined to insecurity when the chips are down. and worked on processing my emotions and dealing with my insecurity, loving myself, and not acting unconsciously on my fears (Which she is inclined to do constantly). I am better off for it, and I cant wait to move on into a better relationship. I recommend cutting your losses. The avoidant attachment style is difficult to resolve because they either can not or will not deal with it constructively. The avoidant behavior is exactly how anyone might behave if they were emotionally finished with a relationship. I suggest giving them the natural consequences of their behavior. Cut your losses.