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My wife of 20 years recently started texting 3 other men she knows from her gym 100-125 times per month each, starting 7Am until sometimes midnight, every night.  She does this while disconnecting from me and putting her interest and attention into them.  She has hidden this from, gotten very defensive about it and evasive and has blamed me for being the problem with my obsession and jealousy and contributing to ruining our trust and freedom and controlling who she can be friends with.  I'm known in our marriage for allowing freedom with friends/guys and not being jealous so this label is not accurate.  But her behavior is new and is what is creating my sense of "what is going on here?"  When I showed her the phone bill and asked who these guys were (not aggressively) she said its all innocent but gave very little info.  Within hours she canceled her cell phone off our family plan and got her own cell phone that I cant see.  She said she wanted her space but did it for me so nobody would have her cell anymore.  But within days she is back communicating with them.  I dont want to create problems when its possible its all innocent but the facts are weird and not like her. And some dont add up.  She says Im ruining things and just wants have fun and have me not keep talking about issues.  I keep asking because she only leaks info and won't reveal everything so I have to keep asking.  Shes now made my asking the problem (blame shifting?) and not any acknowledgement that what she is doing is detrimental and putting our marriage last and prioritizing her own selfish gains and other people.  I cant she the feeling there is more but i also want to just let it go and move on on faith.  But the facts and unusual behavior are hard to ignore.

Answer
Hi Alex~

You need to sit down with her and have a serious heart to heart talk with her.  She needs to know how this is affecting you.  And what you're willing and unwilling to put up with in this marriage.  If she refuses to hear you out, then you'll have to figure out where to go from here on out.  Why does she think it's okay for her to have "fun" with these guys (by texting, talking to them) at the expense of ruining the marriage?  At the very least she owes you an explanation as to why she's behaving this way.  And why does she think it's okay for her to act this way with these other man, when clearly her doing this is inappropriate at best.  What is her definition of "fun"?  

How would she feel if the situation were reversed and you were doing this to her, by texting, talking and carrying on inappropriate relationships with other women.  I'm sure she wouldn't like it one bit, if she were the average wife, she wouldn't be so approving of it.  Her intentions don't seem pure of heart either.  She's looking for attention from them and she's obviously getting it from them.  

It's one thing for it to be strictly platonic relationship/friendships with these other men.  But not to the great extremes she's going to by texting all the time, and even changing her phone so that you don't have access to what she's saying/doing in these texts.  What does she have to hide?  It seems enough or otherwise she wouldn't be acting in the manner that she currently is.  Talk to her and see if she'll come around and try to see where you're coming from on this.  I hope this helps you some.  

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