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Marriage/Is it time to walk away?

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Hi, I have been with my husband for 8 years, married for 18 months. We have no kids. In January this year, I moved back to his hometown with him, I left a good job and my friends, and since we have been here my life has been nothing but misery. I haven't been able to secure stable work, my husband spends all his spare time with his friends or doing things for his football club, and over the last few years our sex life has become non existent. I've been telling him for months that I do not feel like he makes his marriage and relationship with me a priority and that I am very unhappy. He doesn't listen and just carries on doing what he wants to do. I can't remember the last time we went on a date or really had any fun together.

I recently convinced him to see a doctor about his libido and they found he has very low testosterone. While I am glad that he is finally addressing that issue, there are still many things besides sex that make me unhappy in this marriage. He can be so nasty to me, yesterday I got mad at him because he damaged his work car which we will have to pay for and we are tight on money as it is, and he told me to f**k off and called me a b*tch. He called me all sorts of names when I was trying to get him to go to the doctor about our sex life, and in the past when he has gotten angry with me he has punched holes in walls, broken things and even smashed a guitar he had given me as a gift.

He won't behave that way in front of other people and will never show how horrible he can be to anyone except me. I've tried to tell him how much it hurts me when he treats me like I mean nothing to him but it doesn't seem to make a difference. He will try to cuddle me or something later on but won't apologize and then gets mad at me again because I'm still upset.

I'm scared to leave him because I have a very low paying job and I'm scared of all the things he will say and do if I leave him. I'm starting to look at other men I am attracted to and wonder what life would be like with them. I just want my husband to treat me like I am valuable to him and that he desires me and wants me. I don't feel like he sees me as his wife because he is so horrible to me and all I want from him is a happy life.

I am only 28 and I feel like I am too young to be stuck in an unhappy relationship, but I am too scared to walk away but I am mentally exhausted with being the only person in this relationship who actually cares.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Answer
Hi Hayley~

You teach ppl how to treat you.  Do you realize that?  He treats you this way b/c he can, you continue to be with him and you tolerate it, so, of course, he's going to keep doing what he's doing.  He obviously has issues with treating you like crap and being short with you.  I'm not saying this makes either one of you bad ppl.  And I'm not judging you or trying to come down on you.  Rather I want you to come to terms with he's being abusive to you, and that's just not okay any way you look at it.  There comes a time where everyone has their breaking point.  The question to ask yourself is when is yours and how much longer before you finally say, NO MORE?  It's wearing you down and it's taking too much of a toll on you.  

You need to try to sit down with him and have a serious heart to heart talk with him.  He needs to know this is affecting you.  And what you're willing and unwilling to put up with in this marriage.  I mean why continue to stay in a marriage when he doesn't respect you as his wife and try to meet even your basic needs in life.  That's not much of a marriage if I'm being honest here.  You stay for now b/c you feel you have to, or that you must settle for all this, and you do not.  Why stay in an unhappy, unhealthy and unfulfilling marriage?  You're doing harm to yourself by staying with him. Something has to give here or this is only going to get that much worse as time goes on.

Is it an option to move back home to where you're originally from?  Sometimes it might be worth taking a risk.  At least you'd have family around to support you.  It would mean you'd have to start all over and take your chances (if you did ultimately leave him), but it might be worth it.  I know that it can be scary to have to start all over after a separation or divorce.  I've been there and done that, so I know how it is to experience that.  For me it was worth all that I had to go through (but I had three small children at the time).  And to this day I do not regret going through a divorce, in fact it was one of the best but toughest decisions of me life to this day.  You can and will get through it, should you ultimately decide to divorce him.  It's much better than being stuck in a depressing and bad marriage.

You have to make some tough decisions in the future.  If nothings done and you keep tolerating it, he's going to keep treating you this way.  The choice is yours and it's one that only you can make.  I hope this helps you some.  

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