Marriage/Problem related to past life
QUESTION: "Hello there,
I have been with my partner for 2 years and we were constantly having sex in the last 1 year on every 10 days. Now, he is married and we broke up, he too is not happy with his marriage. But the thing I want to know that I have at least 2 years in getting married. And I am confidently sure of not having sex before marriage. Because he is the only one i have loved. So my question is "Does after marriage, when I will be having sex for the first time with my husband, that will be after 1 or 2 years from now, will it feel like the first time? I maen tight like that? Will my husband know of what I have done in past? That I am not a virgin anymore?" Please tell me about it..
ANSWER: Hi Rose~
If you remain abstinent from sex for 1-2 yrs before you marry, your husband should not be able to tell if you're a virgin or not. Every woman's vagina is different. Some retain the elasticity and others they do not, especially after child birth (which you shouldn't have to worry about if you don't have any children). A man can not tell just by sleeping with a woman if she's a virgin or not. He's not going to know any different if you don't tell him. I hope this helps you some.
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QUESTION: Thanks a lot. It helped a lot. But may I ask for one more help if you please...I had to ask what it would be like for me? I mean I just want to forget my past. I just want to forget whatever I have done. I regret over what I did. But is there any way to forget it and forgive myself? I know I am asking like a fool but Can I be assure of my future life? I think I want a counselling from somewhere, so please can you ease me regarding my worries? Please, any help would be very much appreciated. Thank you.
ANSWER: Hi Rose~
There's really no way for you to tell what your future holds for you. You have to learn to forgive yourself for your past. You can't change the past and what you've done. The past is the past for a reason, and it should remain there. Now, I know that in some instances in life you can't help but to think about. And that's normal to a certain extent. What's not normal is for you (if you do) is to keep reliving the past and beating yourself up for it. All you can do is learn from your mistakes and do better and try to improve yourself. Everyone is life makes mistakes, it's what a person can take away from the mistakes in life and learn from them.
You're being way to hard upon yourself. If your future husband can't love and accept you for you, then he's simply not worth your time and attention. Don't feel that you have to settle for just any guy that comes along. You have to not sell yourself short of what you deserve in life (and I don't mean that in a conceited way either). Believe in yourself and love yourself, pray to God and ask for guidance (if you believe in him) and help with things in everyday life.
You're not being a fool, you're just overly concerned about what others will think of you, that's human nature and totally normal and to be expected in life. If you feel that you may benefit from counseling, then by all means at least check into counseling. You would want a counselor that specializes in individual therapy, and one that remains objective and neutral, he/she's job is not to judge you but to give you their unbiased opinion and guidance in whatever you're struggling with at the moment.
I also wanted to apologize for taking so long. I had a response written up earlier and my phone lost internet connection, so I'm using a computer to give a better and more detailed response. I really hope that you're able to finally find some closure to this issue that's clearly bothering you. Love and believe in yourself and don't settle for just anything or any man in life. I hope this helps you some. Please feel free to write back and I'll try to help you to the best of my abilities.
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Thanks a lot. You are really a guide and a helper for me. May I ask one more time that are you sure my future husband won't recognise what I have done before? That I am not a virgin. I know i wont do it again until after my marriage. I hate myself for what I have done. Please dont get irritated with my questions. I am really sorry if I have irritated you in some way. But can I forgive myself for that? I am sorry but my mind is too much occupied with such tensions these days and I want to calm myself down. I still cant say if he has cheated on me or not. I dont know what to say or do. Sorry for all the illogical things I have said. Thank you.
I'm not irritated with you at all. Some ppl just need a little reassurance is all. You really should work on your self-esteem issue. If a man sees that you're not very self confident he might see that as an opportunity to take advantage of you and to use you to his advantage in life. Learning to love and accept yourself comes with practice and in time, it's not going to happen overnight, of course. One way that might help build your self confidence level is to stand in front of a mirror and repeat that you love yourself, and come up with something to compliment yourself on at least once per day. You do not have to justify yourself and the reason you do things to everyone. Being self confident comes with loving yourself and knowing that you won't settle for just anything in life. And again, I'm not talking about a person being a snob and conceited at all.
I do have to warn you though that most men are intimidated and feel threatened by a woman that knows what she wants and will not easily be swayed to do just anything. You can still be kind and firm and not let someone walk all over you. Sometimes you have to love yourself or no one else will.
As for your future husband recognizing if you're a virgin or not, he will never know unless you volunteer that information to him. Everyone acts differently in bed during sex. Some are passionate and some are not and just want to get the act of sex over and done with. He's not going to know unless you have a guilty conscience and he thinks to ask you about if you're a virgin or not. If you're unsure of how future husband will act, don't do something you're not comfortable with in the bedroom, to make you feel inadequate or to feel bad. If that makes any sense whatsoever.
You've got to work on forgiving yourself. You can't keep saying "what if" only what if I did this or reacted differently in my past, etc. All that does is make you feel that much worse about yourself and adds to your guilty conscience. Try to take your mind off of it, by keeping yourself busy, get a new hobby, make plans or goals for what you'd like to accomplish in the future for yourself. A man does not make the woman. Marriage isn't about one spouse or the other, it's about two ppl working together as a team together, key word is together. That right man is out there for you, you just have to find him. I've found that by experience when you're desperately and actively looking for a man you will always drawn the wrong type to you. And when you're not looking, he will practically fall right into your lap. That's when it's meant to be in my opinion. True story.
Love yourself and live life to it's fullest and the rest will naturally fall into place.