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Question
sir,
my husband dont understand me,he dont care me,he dont care about my emotions and feelings,he is very practical and do the same thing as his mom said.he is a mummy boy.he dont care what i like and what nt,what are my desires he thinks its not his concern.

he never think frommy side,from my view,when i tell him that i want to meet my parents then  he dont like it and became angree,he is happy when i respect my in laws,help them and when i work like a perfect house wife,and do the same what his parents said to me and when i think about my parents ,about there support then he became angree on me,and start quarrel with me.....................
plz help me

Answer
Hello Nikita - It sounds as tho you need to [1] respect yourself, and [2] assert some boundaries with your husband if he often ignores your feelings and needs. I'm ignorant of your culture's values about marriage - i.e. whether it's "normal" for men to devalue their wives' needs and feelings. If so, he may be unable to empathize with your needing to be treated as a valued partner vs. a servant.

Several options:

1] ask your husband who's needs are more important to him - his or yours. The best answer is "both of ours."

2] If he says "Mine," tell him you feel disrespected, hurt, and resentful [if you do], and that you lose respect for him.

3] consider setting some boundaries and consequences with him if he doesn't want to treat you as a co-equal partner  See these:

http://sfhelp.org/relate/keys/rights.htm

http://sfhelp.org/cx/skills/assert.htm  and

http://sfhelp.org/relate/boundaries.htm

4] If he's unwilling to change, ask yourself how long you want to endure being devalued, ignored, and disrespected. Why stay married to an indifferent, selfish partner?

5] Another possibility is that he inherited psychological wounds from his parents, which are preventing him from empathizing with and truly loving you [or any woman]:

http://sfhelp.org/gwc/gwc.htm

http://sfhelp.org/gwc/means.htm

http://sfhelp.org/gwc/1_traits.htm

http://sfhelp.org/gwc/wounds/bonding.htm

http://sfhelp.org/relate/empathy.htm

If your husband IS wounded, see these options:

http://sfhelp.org/relate/gwc.htm

This is a LOT to absorb, Nikita, so take your time. If you have other questions, pkease ask - _ Pete

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Peter Gerlach, MSW

Expertise

I can answer questions about choosing a mate wisely, marital communications and problem solving, affairs, same-gender relationships, trust, respect, bonding and intimicy, values differences, boundary problems, grieving, dealing with ex mates, parents, and in-laws, remarriage, separation, divorce, abuse, feeling unloved, codependence, psychological wounds, money disputes, balancing kids, careers, and marital primacy, etc. I cannot answer legal or medical questions

Experience

I've been a professional family-systems therapist in private practice for 33 years. I have specialized in helping people avoid and adapt to divorce, and manage remarriage ans stepfamilies, since 1979. I've studied and taught classes in interpersonal communication for over 40 years, and have presented over 200 seminars on a wide range of human-relationswhip topics to Chicago-area churches, schools, menyal-health agencies, and businesses, and have been featured on Chicago and national radio and TV. I have been married and divorced. I now believe all marital and family problems are caused by five little-known factors - see http://sfhelp.org/hazatrds. This forms the basis of my work as therapist and educator.

Organizations
I now answer "AllExpert.com" questions on stepparenting, communication, and counseling. I belong to "SelfGrowth.com, "Death with Dignity," "Compassion and Choices," and to the online Adverse Childhood Experience Study (ACES) at http://acestudy.org/

Publications
I've published over 200 free Internet articles on childhood-trauma recovery and wholistic health, communication skills, healthy grieving, human relationships (including marriage and divorce), family health, effective parenting, and managing a stepfamily). These articles are in the form of seven free self-improvement lessons (http://sfhelp.org). These articles are augmented by 168 YouTube videos ("gercacn" channel); I've published a book on childhood-trauma recovery ("Who's *REALLY Running Your Life?"), and other books on interpersonal communicactioin skills ("Satisfactions"), remarriage ("The Remarriage Book"), "Stepfamily Courtship", and "Stepfamily Co-parenting" All published by Xlibris.com.

Education/Credentials
Bachelors degree in Mechanical Engineering (BSME) from Stanford University (1959); Masters degree in Social Work (MSW) from George Williams college (1981); hundreds of hours of post-grad trainng from Northwestern U. the University of Chicago, et. al. in a wide range of human-relationship topics.

Awards and Honors
The state of Illinois licensed me to practice clinical social work in 1981. I was selected twice to serve on the board of the Stepfamily Association of America (SAA), and am currently on the Stepfamily-expert panel at Auburn University; I was the Board chairman at a major public mental-health agency in suburban chicago, and was the chairman of the Parent Relations Council for a major suburban High School. I currently have over 500 subscibers on YouTube since I began uploading educational videos in May, 2011.

Past/Present Clients
I've worked with over 1,000 men; women; dating, merried, remarried, divorcing, and redivorcing couples; and whole families. I'm currently 74, semi-retired, and disabled, and I do therapy with people and couples by phone and Internet (Skype).

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