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Marriage/The blame game


We have been married 13 years. I feel like I have taken a lot. I feel like I am married with a sort of fightaholic, a person who goes through cycles of peace and then has to have a fight after some time. Usually, this amounts to a little squabble a week and a couple of bigger fights a month. Lately though I feel tired of playing these games, I scream, toss stuff on the ground slam doors, just don't have any more patience with this guy. Sometimes I feel like if I'm at my last straw. I'm 36 and he's 40 and I feel like I'm getting old. I need strength but can't find it. Don't have anybody to talk to. Family and friends are overseas. Can't talk to my mom cause she goes straight into trying to convincing me to divorce him cause she thinks I have the patience of a saint. She often tempts me. Tonight the fight is just cause I spilled a bit of oil on the counter and didn't see it. He tells me I need to clean after myself. Now he's repeatedly telling me it's my fault I lost my glasses and rubs it in. I'm already sad about it and have to deal about faults on top of that. Never any support. It's like he has this malicious need to blame things, and that I need to take it that it's my fault I lost my glasses. Then he watches TV and I stay all day with my blood boiling thinking if I should make a ticket to go see my parents in Germany and take a break, something he always says I should do when we fight, but then says he doesn't mean to. It's getting old though, so many times I say I'm going to leave but don't. Often, I can take it, but then things pile up and I get to a point where I cannot tolerate his childish behavior anymore. I often think his need to blame comes from childhood. His mom used to punish him all the time even hitting him even when it wasn't his fault but his brothers' and sisters'. When we fight it's always about that I can't admit it's my fault, that I should just take it or he'll play the ironic "you're right" game. It's usually over childish manners. It looks like he likes to see me get mad. I'm getting weak but also pissed off of being a door mat and feel at times that I should stand up for myself more but don't know how. Not sure if it's best to hide it or admit it openly that he's hurting me and making me lose confidence in myself and that my love for him is fading away.

Hi Marisa,

So sorry for what you are going through. There is no excuse for your husband's behavior. What he is doing is wrong on so many levels that it could fill a book. I am certain he has taken on his mother's abusive and critical voice and now treats you like she treated him. He needs extensive, long-term therapy orr he will never change. The question is, how motivated is he to do that? I doubt he is motivated at all. I feel sad for him because he must really be frightened and hate himself to be able to treat you that way. Still, the end result is the same, you are being abused.

If you were my daughter I would want you to get away from him as soon as possible because I know the chance he'll grow up and become healed are slim. I would want you to get extensive therapy so you can understand what healthy relationships look like, and so you can build your self esteem up to where you will no longer is subject yourself to such horrific circumstances.

Your marriage is an ugly scene, my dear, but there is help out there. Why not call a family violence center in your town and take advantage of their free counseling. You'll heal, learn and grow from this, and I urge you to do it without delay.

I wish you the best.

Doctor Becky


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