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Marriage/At wits end with Husbands lies and verbal abuse

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My husband and I have been married going on 9 yrs. Up until a few years back, I had battled breast cancer and we had 2 children now 8 and 6 and bought our first house and had been completly renovating it. Now if that wasnt going to cause a Divorce what would?
But in the last 2 years my Husband has seem to have addictions to Alcohol, Pornography and pot. Hiding them from me. Also working longer hours in the spring time. He had hired a Young secretary(blonde) and I started to think something was going on. I checked his cell and facebook accounts. He had befriended her and she had been texting him.  I confronted him and he became angry with me!!!
I told him that it was not professional to be friend on facebook with his secretary and she should not be texting him. And that she needed to GO....
He adventually Fired her and took her off his Facebook account.
Then a few month later, texts started into the evening. I didnt want to ask him who he was texting back and forth to, bc he would get mad at me. And say I was Nagging him. So I checked it one night and found that his Bosses wife and he were texting jokes and flirting. I finally confronted him, and again he became defensive and told me I was Crazy nothing was going on.  OK>>> But still not appropriate. He said he would not stop texting with her and I needed to get a grip. I flushed his Work Cell down the toliet. He was going to have to tell his Boss he lost the phone that his wife was texting my Husband on..(That never happened)
Now she later on called him drunk and texted him she wanted him. And he acted like he was clueless to why shed do such a thing. In the mean time I find out he had been smoking pot for the last year in our back yard, which Im totally againest. So lies,lies lies. And he wants me to trust him and believe him now.
When I ask him who hes texted from time to time, he freaks out and says im accusing him. I think something is totally up. It was then and is now. Am I really Crazy like my Husband states.. Or is he just trying to make me believe his Lies.
He is so hurtful and Verbally abusive to me. I am crying on a daily basis. HELP What do I do? Is it time to consisder a Seperation. BC we've tried Marriage reteat and then he just goes back to his old ways. I do not want my poor children to see me cry anymore and hear there father talk down to me.

Answer
Candace,

My, my, what a mess!

I doubt very seriously that you are crazy. When I was in graduate school and we were talking about people with addictions, the professor said: "How will you know when an addict is lying?" And the answer was: "Whenever he opens his mouth."

Yes, my dear, your life is a mess and you are feeling horrible, but your husband is an even bigger mess. He is certainly an addict and anytime you try to confront him about his addictions, whether it be pot or women, he bites like a dog. He blames you and calls you crazy. You know why he does this? Because that's what addicts do. The never EVER take responsibility for their horrid, despicable, abusive behavior, until and unless they hit rock bottom. The only way they hit rock bottom is when they are about to lose everything dear to them, like their job and family, for example.

Your husband is an emotional adolescent and this is not likely to change anytime soon, so you have important decisions to make. If I were you, I would look out for numero uno and get myself to a healthier place, without Mr. Addict-Liar-Man. Focus on you and the health of you and your family. You must, MUST start going to Al Anon meetings, which are designed for those who care about a person with an addiction. They will help educate you about all of the tricks and lies that addicts throw forth, and what is the healthy way for you to respond.

I urge you to do this as soon as possible there is wonderful help out there. I wish you the best!

Doctor Becky

Marriage

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