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Marriage/At a loss


Hello Doctor Becky,

I'm 28 years old and my fiance is also 28 yrs old (little older). We've been together for 6.5 yrs, lived together for 6 yrs (basically married. We have always had our small issues but we have worked them out to a degree. His way of dealing with issues is ignore them, stop arguing and cuddle, he never resolves anything or wants to, he would rather just have the argument never happen. He is happy with the relationship other then my nagging/bitching, but I only nag or bitch about stuff because he disrespects me and I get upset.

I know I'm the problem but I'm scared to be who I use to be; My whole life up until 18 I would never argue, I always did everything for everyone, I took the blame for anything, my dad use to take his anger out on me whenever he 'felt' like it, not physically just screaming, yelling and getting in my face, throwing things etc. Then I finally left my house with a bf at the time, I did everything for him but he cheated on me and after 5 yrs together told me how horrible I was and no one would ever put up with me, he head butted me once, shook me, but mainly he would yell at me whenever I would become upset about his constant cheating. I became suicidal through the age of 15-18, my form of stress reliever was to cut myself and think about death. My parents took me to a psychologist where he told me I didn't need to go (I wasn't the problem) and actually took my dad on as a client and diagnosed him as bi-polar. I finally snapped at 17-18 and decided that it's not fair that I lay down and just get beat up over and over again so I decided to fight back at my dad, at friends and I left my bf. By standing up for myself, I felt better, I stopped suicidal thoughts and I got my life on track, I stopped blaming me for everything.

But now that confidence I had for so long is ruining my relationship slowly. Tyler use to be so patient, understanding and sweet 6 yrs ago, I was his first gf and I ruined that, I would yell at him for stupid little things like dishes and cleaning etc. Now he has turned into me, the person who would sit back and take the blame for so long finally got sick of it. Now when we get to that "point" in a fight, he's mean, cruel, aggressive, angry. Our last fight which I started over not much (but all the little things added up after a month) I was stressed out and I twitched my leg when I'm stressed (I'm no longer allowed to smoke because of him  -which that was my stress reliever after I stopped cutting), I'm not allowed eating fatty foods cause I'll get fat (he says he doesn't care if I eat it, but he makes stupid little comments everytime I eat chocolate etc), so all I was left with to deal with my stress is to shake my leg. But this leg shaking makes him anxious because he knows I'm stressed. I snapped emotionally that night, I have no stress relievers anymore, I feel like I have learned helplessness, fighting back does nothing, displacement behaviours are not allowed, crying isn't allowed - he gets REALLY mad when I cry (he never used to). The last fight I wanted to be alone after starting the fight and he got mad and said I have to cuddle with him and forced me when all I wanted to do was go be by myself so I could cry. He wouldn't allow me to and would physically pin me and yell at me, he kept screaming that I made him do this, I make him insane, I'm psycho, other bad names. I panicked cause I couldn't move, I felt embarrassed and humiliated that he was forcing me to lay there while I had an emotional breakdown.

We barely have sex in the last 2 months, I haven't been able to orgasm in over a month, sex is painful and I hate it (I use to LOVE it and we did it all the time).

My emotional connection to him is dying, even though he is physically gorgeous!!! Mentally there is barely a connection anymore.

We're suppose to get married next month and I don't know.

Hi Kristen,

Thanks for writing. It pains me to see the mess of a situation you are in. The first thing I must say is that neither you nor your fiancÚ have any business getting married now or in the foreseeable future. Neither one of you is emotionally healthy or mature enough to be part of a healthy relationship.

What you have described is nothing short of a train wreck. Both of you are severely damaged from your upbringing, and from what you wrote it sounds like neither of you has received any sort if mental health assistance. You will not get better without it.

The problems you two have cannot be solved in one letter from an advice columnist. You need help from a trained professional over a long period of time. One or both if you may also need medications. What I can tell you is that the situation you are in is no one's fault but your own. Why? Because you are an adult and can make choices about how you live your life. If someone doesn't treat you right, you have the option to leave. Your fiancÚ also has the same option. The fact that you stay and allow yourself to be controlled tells me you don't think highly of yourself. Therapy will help you heal to the point that you may find some self love so you can make healthy choices for yourself. Just know for now that as an adult you are responsible for you, and no one can control you without your permission. Stop playing victim and stand up or yourself, but most of all, please get the professional help you so obviously need.

Take care, dear.

Doctor Becky


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