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Marriage/How Do I get my husbaned to come back to me?


Hey. I really need some good advice and insight, i am struggling so bad right now. I don't know how to handle this pain. I feel like I am dying inside, worst pain i've ever felt in my life. Basically my husband and I have been married for 5 years now, we have two young kids. and We had our problems like any couple, but i didn't think we were nearing a divorce. About a month ago, he left for a few weeks of some military training,and during texted me that he wanted to leave and separate. i was really blindsided. Did not see it coming. Then he came home and decided he would give it another shot and stay home with me. He slept with me that night, then left me the next morning. Then he ended up coming home two days later, saying he was being stupid and was sorry. and i let him come back. He was home for one more week. and then i went snooping and found text messages from him and another girl that happened during the time he was gone. He promised me that he was only messaging her online, but he never actually had sex with her,tho the messages were sexual in nature. He told me he wouldn't message her any more, so I being stupid let him stay. He ended up just staying a couple more days, then he decided he wasn't happy with me any more and didn't love me any more and wanted to leave. So He's been staying with his friend now for the past 2 weeks. I am going crazy. I want him back so bad, and i'm not thinking rationally. I keep calling and texting him, begging him to please come home. At first he was saying he just wanted to be separated for awhile and think about it. now, he changed his mind and said he has already made up his mind after two weeks of being gone, that he doesn't love me, and never wants to come back. and he's already talking about getting the divorce paper work. I can't believe this is all happening. Its like a bad nightmare. He used to love me so much. He was always the sweetest man. Now, he's just being so mean to me. and jerking me around. Every one keeps telling me to just forget him and move on. but its so hard. He's all i think about. The thought of losing him forever makes me sick. How can he not love me at all any more. I thought we were doing ok. I love him so much. This pain is unbearable. i Guess, i want to know what are the chances that even tho he says he doesn't love me and has made up his mind, that he will maybe still come back after thinking about it for a few months, realize he actually misses me one day? what are those chances. People say i should be ignoring him for the most part, saying i have the best chance of getting him back if i just act more distant with him. but why do i have such a hard time doing that. I have to see him whenever i drop the kids off there, which is painful for me. re opens my emotions and i just can't control myself. Its pathetic how i've been begging and chasing after him. I can't accept that i might actually have lost him forever. Also, he has been telling me that he would still like to have sex with me, even if we are not together. Part of me wants to, just so i can be close to him and maybe change his mind about leaving me. but then the logical part of me knows its not a good idea, because he's probably just using me for sex, and it doesn't mean anything to him, like it means to me. but if he doesn't want to be with me at all any more, why would he still want to sleep with me. He wants to have one last night of sex with me he says. what are the motives behind this, and should i just say no. I'm so vulnerable and weak right now, none of the decisions i'm making are good. How do I get him to come home, if you think there is any chance at all he might in the next couple months? and how do i avoid letting myself call and text him. I try so hard not too, but then something inside me snaps and i can't control or stop myself. Sorry this is so long, I'm just trying to get most of the details out. I just want to know how i can get him to maybe come back.

Hi Ashley,

Thanks for writing and I am so sorry for how you are feeling. Your letter was really painful to read.

I deal with situations similar to yours all the time, and I am about to give you really wise insight and advice. It is my fondest hope that you will take it!

First, your husband is extremely immature. He has no idea who he is and what he wants. He is a human train wreck. He is a cheater and a liar. With that said, I feel sorry for him because he is not happy and he is searching in all the wrong places for one thing he'll never find until he grows up and becomes a man. This may never happen. He is jumping around and making a mess of his life. It's so sad, but there is nothing anyone can say or do to get him off his path to self destruction. He is the one who has to wake up, and who knows if he ever will?

As or you, I am sad that you long for someone who treats you so terribly and who is so irresponsible. This tells me you don't value yourself enough, because if you did, you would not tolerate this human wrecking ball as a husband. What causes you to long for such a negative person is that you are an anxious attached woman with a strong case of abandonment issues. People like that literally go into a panic when a lover pulls away and rejects them, and that is what you are doing now. The irony is, the more an anxiously attached person freaks out and attempts o pull her lover back in, the farther away he will go. Your friend's are right, the only chance he'll ever come back is when you let him go and totally stop caring if he does. Still, it's worrisome that you might take him back without demanding that he engage in long term therapy that focuses on going from a self-centered and clueless boy to a responsible and self-assured man.

You, on the other hand, need therapy to understand and get a hold of your anxious attachment and abandonment issues. You also have a little growing up to do. Do it now or you will repeat this pattern over and over. Also, you may need medications to make you feel better in the middle of this enormous life crisis. I hope you will do this while also removing your focus off of him and on to your own healing. With that said, absolutely do not have sex with this ridiculous man! It will keep you immersed in turmoil, and I am amazed at how selfish and shameless he is. He cares only for himself, believe me.

I know this will help if you will take this wise advice to heart my dear. It's easier said than done, but so worth it. Good luck!

Doctor Becky
Little Rock, Arkansas  


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