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Marriage/Second marriage and kids


Hi Samantha,
Two words you wrote in your profile that grabbed me to submit my question to you (happily remarried)!
Well, I used to be a divorced mother with 2 a 16yrs daughter  and a 12yrs son. since 3 years. before which, i was a miserable wife  whom my kids were clearly witnessing how bad their dad was and still. for the kids, I am their only source of security and support on all levels.
Regrettably, we had a stubborn rude aggressive dad who is doing nothing but disturbing our lives. one more fact i have to mention, my son is a trouble maker..he is so kind, loving, yet, he creates lots of troubles, annoying till you just blow out.. I know, he is missing me, being over busy in work and with their daily life activities, i rarely spend quality time with him. On the contrary, the girl is so smart that she knows how to take me even in my tiny free time. consequently, my son is so much jealous against his sister. The sister is quite selfish by return. well she is nice, not annoying me at all, knowing what and how to get what she wants.
above was a necessary introduction to the recent problem i am writing to you about.
9 months ago, i got to know a nice man, my kids got involved in the relation, they liked him and when it came to the marriage issue, we discussed the issue with them both and they confirmed their acceptance to the remarriage fact and some how welcomed it.
we got married 3 days ago and my son starts to act rudely against my husband... typical attitude that both my husband and i was expecting from him and agreed that we will be so considerable and understanding that the boy has behavior troubles, away from our marriage, that needs our support and absorbing till it passes.
Before marriage, my husband promises he understands very well my son problems and will assist me solving them and raising him in a way that will fulfill the gap made by the bad irresponsible dad.
I was and am still trusting that the man i chose will help my kids way much developing their personalities and solving their troubles caused by the bad image of a man as they got from their real dad.
Any advise of how to deal with my impolite rude attitude of my son, generally with all around and in particular against my new husband who truly loves my kids and always had the good intentions to help them out and have a happy life with both his and my kids?
By the way, my husband and i got a separate very nearby (same building but another flat on a different floor)to my kids flat, so as not even to disturb the kids and have them feel another man is sharing their own home. Also, his kids are living full time with his ex wife.
My husband and I were considering our both kids from scratch and always putting their good, on top of all our activities. We both understand how far our kids are depending on us.

Hi Kam~

Having a blended family isn't easy.  It's not easy for your new husband to be thrust into the position of a step-dad, and your children to have a new step-dad.  It will take some adjusting but eventually things do get better. My children never really got along with my husband either. Some families take and blend well and others do not.  I guess it's b/c the kids think that the step-parent is somehow trying to take the roll of mother or father, and it can make them angry, rebellious and they act out a lot.  It's going to be especially tough for your son who already has behavioral issues.  He's going to act out more, say to your husband "you're not my dad" and the list goes on and on.  And b/c he doesn't get much attention from you due to you being busy with work and every day life, he's going to take it hard and he will act out a lot most likely. Your patience will definitely be put to the test.

I would suggest sitting down with your children and explaining to them that even though he's your new husband and their step-dad that he's not going to replace their father (even if their dad isn't a very good one, he's still their dad and always will be). Anyway, you need to explain to them that they still need to respect him and treat him the way they'd like to be treated.  With your son acting out the way he is, you really should try to spend even a little time with him, as much as you can.  He will grow up thinking you don't like him and he'll feel like a burden to you.  And I know that's obviously not the case and that as a mother you love your children very much.  Children have a very good way of placing blame on themselves for just about everything in life that happens.  Sometimes you just have to tell them, I'm sorry you had a bad day, an unpleasant experience in life, etc, but I'm here for you and I love you unconditionally.  

If you can get your son to talk to you and communicate with you on how he's feeling and thinking at any given time, his attitude might improve.  It's tough raising a child and sometimes it makes you so frustrated and angry at the things they do.  As a parent we have to learn to guide and teach them that sometimes life is unfair and it's all in how you view life and get through it.  I always try to teach my children that be blessed and thankful for all the good things you have in life.  And to look at the positives even when it seems like it's the end of the world and nothing seems to go right.  If you're negative and hate everything, that's what you're going to attract in life are negative things and negative ppl.  If you see the positive in life and try to not dwell on everything, then you can learn to let go and not be down in the dumps are mad at the world all the time.  I supposed I'm beginning to ramble now.  It's often the little things in life that count and mean the most to a person.  

A lot of the attitude comes with the age too.  They are going through puberty and changes in life.  My youngest daughter is 13 and she just expects things to be a certain way and when it doesn't turn out how she liked or expected, she gets mad.  I try to tell her life is not fair and you have to go through good and bad experiences in life, to make you the person you are today.  Life truly is what you make of it, whether it's good or bad.  Talk to your son and if he sees your putting forth the effort, then maybe his attitude will change for the better.  And I thought I might mention I have two children with special needs mentally and emotionally, so I know what a challenge can be with that, and a kids attitude.  

Get your husband to be in your corner and back each other up.  This way the kids aren't trying to play you against one another, b/c they will do that. My 13 yo sure does and they can be quite good at it too.  So stand firm and don't let them get to you too bad.  I hope this helps you some.  


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