Marriage/Not able to accept him
QUESTION: Hi, I am a girl from India. My problem is this. Recently I got engaged to a guy. He is a not so handsome, not so intelligent and not so rich not so fun to be with serious ordinary guy but then he was so innocent and kind hearted. So I said an yes. But now the feeling that I deserve more haunts me day and night. I am like trying to start loving him, but I could not. I am not getting emotionally attached to him. I dont know how to overcome this. I am getting married in a month. So any advice asap is welcome.
ANSWER: Hi Jane~
Do you really want to marry this man? If you envision spending your life with him, and ultimately falling in love with him then don't marry the man. If you do you'll only hurt him and then you'll be miserable in the process. And you don't want or need that. It's unfair to both of you to be with someone that you feel you can't grow to love or become emotionally attached to eventually. That would be one of the worst things you could do in a marriage. Is to marry out of convenience or obligation. It's much better to cut your losses and decide to not marry him, rather than to hurt him later and discover down the road that you made a mistake by marrying him. I know that in the Indian culture that divorce is frowned upon. So why go through all the heartache and pain that marrying him will cause both of you.
If you feel obligated to marry him and feel that you have no choice in the matter. You will have to try to convenience yourself that you can come to love him (and maybe you will or you won't), but that's something you're going to have to learn to live with and to cope and deal with all the misery you will endure should you marry him. All I'm saying is before you do marry him make sure it's something you can live with before you go through with the marriage. Your happiness does matter, just as much as his does. And from all that you described to me it seems as though neither one of you will be happy. I hope this helps you some.
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QUESTION: Samantha, it is not that easy to call off the marriage right now especially in a cultural background like mine. so there is no choice. I want adviice to make things work. how coiled I accept this without that haunting feeling of wanting more. how could I convince my self with what I got. as u said I should not be a disappointment after marriage for him.
I'm very well aware of the fact that marriage is something taken very seriously in the Indian culture. That's why I mentioned that in my original response. The fact of the matter is that you can't help how you feel towards someone especially when it comes to someone you're going to marry and share your life with. Hence why I said at least you can go into the marriage knowing that you're feelings for him might not ever fully develop. You can't just turn on or turn off your feelings for someone. A person can't help who they love and who they don't want to love. That's where our actions and choices in life come into play. And why I stated why go into a marriage knowing that you may never love this man. It's better to be honest with him upfront and decide not to marry him, than to go into the marriage not loving him and then you are basically forced to stay in the marriage out of obligation and to be miserable. So I can't give you advice on how to change that. You can't make yourself feel something you don't for him. You either will grow to love him or you won't. That's a chance you have to be ready, willing and able to make and live with. That's up to you. I'm sorry that I couldn't give you advice on that.