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Marriage/Should I stay or should I go?


Hi there,

I have been married for nearly 3 years and in a relationship with my husband for nealry 10. We were very young when we got together and we are the only serious relatonship we have each had.

About 2 years ago, I left my stable job and my friends to move back to his hometown with him. Since we have moved, I have been unable to find stable work (I am on my 8th job as we speak), I have had to make new friends, and I feel that his life has just moved on without me. He doesn't make any effort to do anything with me, but he go out of his way for his friends, interests, sports and hobbies. I have been in turmoil since moving here and have struggled greatly with my sense of self worth, which he knows.

He has started making comments during arguments that I have brought the situation with my employment on myself, that I am in a cycle, and that I am making bad decisions. I find this incredibly hurtful because I am constantly on the lookout for a better job so that we can start trying to put our lives back together.

Our sex life is terrible, he has suffered with a testosterone deficiency for years but won't see a doctor for treatment. I have explained to him that our lack of sex life makes me feel terrible about myself that he doesn't want or desire me, but he still makes every excuse not to get treated.

In the last couple of days I reached what I felt to be my final straw when we were discussing making some sacrifices so that I could do some study next year. He again tried to incinuate that I make bad decisions and refused to be open to sacrifices in order for me to do some study next year. For me I felt that this was it, I was done, and that I have suffered long enough trying to make this marriage work on my own.

I have never felt so unhappy as what I have in the last 2 years, and despite me trying to discuss it with him, he shuts down and wants to ignore the issues.

Yesterday I booked us in to see a marriage counselor. He seemed genuinely upset and said that he is "sad that it has come to this point". This is the first sign of emotion that he has shown in regards to our relationship in years. I tried to discuss it with him and he just shut down and said to save it for the counselor.

My question is, should I stay or should I go? I know that counselling is a positive step but I feel like I have said everything already and that it doesn't matter to him. I feel like I have wasted many years in a relationship where I am not his priority, we don't have fun together, we go weeks without having sex and if he doesn't like what I have to say, he gets angry at me or just shuts down. Should I just cut my losses and walk away or should I keep trying? We don't have kids and I just want to put my life back together.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Should I stay or should I go?______________________

I think you are doing the right thing to see a marriage counselor and discuss these things with them.  I know that you feel you will be repeating saying the same things again, however, the therapist's job is to point out some things that you and your husband cannot see.  A therapist should never tell you to stay or to go.

If both people still want the marriage to work, if they both see their parts in the problems (and not blame each other) seeing a marriage counselor in person can help you much more than an email response to your question.

I wish you the best of luck with the counseling and in your marriage.


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Dr. John Silver


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