Marriage/sexlife after a child
Hi, thank u for taking the time to answer questions.
im 21.my wife and I have been married for about 16 months and we had a baby about 5 months ago. Before the baby we would have sex once or twice times a week. ( we didnt have premaritial sex for religious reasons) even though we didnt do it often, it really helped our relationship because we didnt see each other much due to full time work and schook. Now since the baby was born we have had sex twice. And i think we need it now more then ever because weve had more arguments. But it gets very hard because by the time the baby is asleep i am really tired, and cant wait up. ( and my drinking doesnt help either) i have even stopped masturbating to try and increase my sex drive. The other night we tried but between my exhaustian and the baby being in the room i couldnt perform and we fell adleep.i think between the increased arguments and no sex the tension is really becoming tangible. Do u have any advice? Im sorry for the length of the question.
stop drinking and save ur relationship,get ur priorities in order and man up.Keep in mind that a decent sex life takes work, there is no quick fix. Just like having good health and a good body takes effort in the way of proper diet and exercise.While men feel the pressure of fatherhood, a woman is going through much more, physically and emotionally. She is learning how to re-balance her life, and men need to be patient because, believe it not, the woman usually puts herself and her needs further down on the list than the needs of her partner. So if you're feeling neglected, think how she must feel.
Another secret I'll let the men/fathers in on; Make it easy for your wife to be with you. Don't be another stressor or remind her how long it's been since you've had sex. Insist that your wife has time for herself sans baby or children. Take it upon yourself to schedule the babysitter. Women get consumed, even obsessive, with their role as a mother and if she doesn't get to be by herself for decent periods of time, she will forget the (pre-children) woman inside her- leaving that identity for the role of supermom. Insist on her getting time for herself and time with you, without the kids.
Women have a bottomless reserve of giving, and giving, for their children- it's an instinct. A man will say he is tired and simply be done with his day. But a woman will keep on giving to her children, past the point of exhaustion. She may not have anything left, but somehow if her children need more or are sick, she digs deep down in her bottomless reserve and gives more. Problems can occur when the husband wonders why she can't find it within her to give more (ie. sex) to him- why will she not go above and beyond for his needs? That's not a fair question for men to ask. No competition- sorry guys.
If husbands are expecting their wives to easily shut off their mother role once the kids are asleep, he'll be dissappointed. Give her time, on a weekend or during the day sometime, to shut off the mother role- when she is not exhausted already. And don't expect to get sex the first week or so of giving her more outings by herself- be patient and show her this is genuinely time she deserves, no strings attached. Even if you're hoping for some sexual favors sometime down the road, you should still be sincere about helping her detach from the kids a little.
Encourage each other to have a life and hobbies outside of the kids. If the kids are your life, your sex life will suffer- of course when you're done procreating/adding to your family, that is.Aren't we all guilty of accusing our spouses for changing after we marry them? Sometimes it seems they change so much, we lose some of the initial attraction we felt for them. Or maybe we changed so much that our attractions varied as well. Somewhere during the dating process we were attracted to the other person and no matter what advice follows this, it really is necessary to date your spouse and have hobbies aside from each other to discuss when you're out on a "date".
The way a woman views her man is crucial to her sexual feelings toward him. A woman feels most attracted to a strong, not necessarily physical, but supportive man- even if a woman is strong and independent, she still wants to know her man represents a safe place to fall.
Women have an ideal in their head, from the time they were little girls, about the man they will marry. While it's important for women to give up their man in the fairytale, it's also important for men to know what makes their wife attracted to them most and up their game, so to speak, in that category. If she is attracted to your child-like boyishness, find places to go where you can play.
It's complicated in the way that love is unconditional, but realistically, attraction is conditional. We can't give up or let ourselves go o sit around watching TV, and expect our spouses to be attracted to us. There is nothing in the marriage vows about being eternally attracted to your spouse- sad but true. The good news is your spouse was probably attracted to you for several reasons initially so maintain a few of those attractive features and traits to keep your spouse dazzled by you. There may come a time when your partner says I want less sex or more sex. You would like to acknowledge your partner's needs, but they aren't compatible with your needs or maybe you feel like you can't give more sex unless you get some of your other, non-sexual needs met.
Typically, one person in the relationship has emotional, spiritual, and psychological needs that must be met before they welcome the idea of sex. If those needs are not met, sex decreases or becomes dissatisfying for that person. But how does each partner get their needs met when one is not willing to give unless given to? Does it become a stand-off?
First, the needs should be communicated in the most respectful way with your partner- no attacking or blaming. Then, work on a give and take program- you ask for a date night or a massage (whatever you deserve or helps you feel connected) from your partner and you will give him a favor in return. I have to say this works to get things going again and proves to one another that giving and taking is possible. You may need to flip a coin to determine who starts the giving. Score-keeping like this isn't a long-term solution, but it works during the lulls and low points.
Sometimes we expect marriage and our spouse to fulfill all our needs, after all, they did in the beginning. A new relationship seems to fulfill everything on your list; you don't need to eat, sleep, or love anything else. You are perfectly full and complete. This is unrealistic in marriage though. We need to consistently evaluate who and what can fulfill our needs- it's not all our spouse's responsibility. Some of our needs can be met from our friends, relatives and ourselves. You may be focusing on having more sex in your relationship, but some of that need may be derived from a lack of self-worth or emotional intimacy. Men, if you put out effort, your wife may put out too. Don't take anything for granted. Since spontaneity and lust are pre-marital luxuries, romance is the replacement now that you're married. What is your wife's definition of romance? In addition, pour on the romance occasionally without even attempting to get her in bed. This will demonstrate you have no ulterior motives for being romantic- it's a deed done for the favor bank.
Women's effort should begin with herself- make the effort to feel good about yourself or attractive, whatever that takes for you. For me, that's reading or watching a romantic or sexy book or movie. A little fantasizing does a woman's brain wonders. Now that I am a stay-at-home mom I can't justify spending much money on my wardrobe, but once a month I buy a new outfit or some item of clothing that makes me feel good, and wear it, maybe even on date night with my husband. Also, exercise gets your blood flowing to all you areas even if your goal isn't losing weight, it releases feel-good hormones, which help in other areas of you life (ie. sex life). The practice of doing something for yourself makes you more willing to do something for someone else. Yes, I know it's easier said than done and that's why we call it effort.
It's Not All About Sex
So what are some ways to get things going without focusing on the sex stats?
•Focus on making the relationship better in general; communicate more, view each other as partners, share interests and activities together, go through hardships together.
•Read or watch something naughty.
•Don't overthink about sex. Let it happen if it happens...it's perfectly natural.
•Take an adventure- do something completely out of your comfort zone together, This is the first thing Tony Robbins uses for couples he counsels.
•For women who can't find the inspiration to have sex with their husbands, here is one incentive: after you have sex with him is when he is feeling closest to you and open to conversation about things you may want to discuss while he's in a really good mood. If you have sex before bed, though, he will probably be fast asleep so pick a good time not right before bed.
•See a romantic or steamy movie together
•Go to one of your favorite date places (or activities) before you got married
•Talk dirty (over the phone, text or email is good)
•Touch each other more
•Try a new activity or challenge with your spouse- you may see them in a new light
•make a short list together about the top things that turn you onto the other person and keep that list handy to refer to later