Marriage/My college-age daughter having an affair with an older, married man(reply)
Thank you for your reply at http://en.allexperts.com/q/Marriage-3223/2014/3/college-age-daughter-affair.htm
I did have a chat on the phone with my daughter earlier today, and she said this man had explicitly told his wife he wanted a divorce, and that he'd also told her [my daughter] that he was in an unhappy marriage and wanted to separate, but his wife would not let him and threatened to hurt herself if they divorced. Apparently she's a businesswoman who owns a few local businesses and rents out a flat, so she's well-known in the area.
My daughter told me how tearful this man was and that he had told his wife they were separating, but she spat in his face and said "Y'ain't separating from me, y'r my husband, y're mine, wheeee!" which worried him, as the way his wife spoke to him was in a half-laughing, half-shouty manner.
It doesn't, on the face of it, seem like the usual cliche of "Let's have an affair and sex only".
In terms of what I said earlier, which read:
If they do move in together and he leaves his wife, what issues is she going to face?
Dealing with washing his dirty underwear??
Seeing him in his undies night after night?
Bad habits (smoking/drinking etc.)??
Buying the cereal, shopping, etc. ?
Fixing the car? (by coincidence, I work for a Chrysler/Dodge dealer, and as such, I've actually seen the boyfriend when he gets his car fixed, although at the time I had no idea my daughter was with him).
I'm not sure if these are the issues, but still, I need all the help I can get.
How should I discuss the above issues with her relating to moving in and day-to-day life, as she still seems to have this idealistic idea of moving in with him, thinking it's candlelit dinners and hot sex every night.
Also, with regard to the age gap (24 years), what problems could happen as a result of this? OK, so I'm 3 years older than my husband, but it's not that big an age gap, but it doesn't make me a hypocrite talking about this does it?
I do worry for her, not from the academic side, she gets good grades and enjoys her course, but in terms of this relationship, what problems are they going to face?
I appreciate the advice you have given me so far.
Also, in terms of his job, if this becomes public, could it be a PR disaster for the charity (bear in mind, we've occasionally, as a family, donated money to them, at their fundraising events).
What do me and my husband do next?
In all honesty I would stay out of it. The more you try to give advice to her, the worse it could become, and besides you don't want to become involved in this. Now, if she's asking for your advice that's different, of course, offer her your best advice. In the event of that, I would just tell her that it's not a good idea to become involved in him period. I say this b/c of all the baggage and drama that comes with being involved with a married man. What if he's not telling her the whole truth and he's spinning tales about how horrible his wife is to him? Let's give him the benefit of doubt and say he IS telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Does she REALLY want to become a part of this whole mess that's currently his life? He's the one that married his wife and become involved with her and had a child with her. Now he's going to have to cope and deal with all the drama and crap his wife can and will cause for him. It becomes more of a problem now that your daughter is involved in a relationship with him. If his wife truly is a psycho and crazy like he claims she is, then it will only be a matter of time before she's harassing your daughter. Can she endure that for him b/c she "loves" him? Unfortunately, it's most likely going to be a huge ugly mess and she will eventually target your daughter with her hostilities. Has she even thought about that and is she prepared to go through that?
She's going to have to learn on her own, I suppose, since she's wanting to be with this man. I'm totally leery about this man, even more now that you've give me more details into their relationship. I'd be concerned about her and her getting her heart broken or more. But as a parent there is only so much we can do for our children, and they have to learn about life on their own and through their own experiences. All of these are very valid concerns that you might want to discuss with her and see if she'll listen to you or heed your advice, other than that there's not much more you can do. I hope this helps you some.