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Marriage/My college-age daughter's affair with older, married male


OK, so my problem is on a question that's come up again and again, but here goes anyway; the married man with lover.

It's not me who's having the affair, but my 21-year-old daughter, who's in college studying graphic design, she's having an affair with a local 45-year-old man who lives up the road from us; I've seen him picking her up in the morning in his old 1990s Dodge Intrepid, and he looks more like her dad than her lover!!

My daughter is single, and her relationships should be none of my business, but my daughter was brazenly admitting this!

Now she's told me that the man's thinking of leaving his wife for her and letting her move out of college and in with him, he told my daughter his wife was a workaholic and he got no intimacy, no love, no respect and she wouldn't let him divorce her.

However, isn't my daughter only seeing the good side of him? "Good" being a subjective word, y'know, but still...

If they do move in together and he leaves his wife, what issues is she going to face?

Dealing with washing his dirty underwear??
Seeing him in his undies night after night?
Bad habits (smoking/drinking etc.)??
Other issues??
Day-to-day life?
Buying the cereal, shopping, etc. ?
Fixing the car? (by coincidence, I work for a Chrysler/Dodge dealer, and as such, I've actually seen the boyfriend when he gets his car fixed, although at the time I had no idea my daughter was with him).

I'm not sure if these are the issues, but still, I need all the help I can get.

The man is known locally as he is on the board of a local charity that works with individuals with autism and Asperger's Syndrome here in Minnesota.

whereas my daughter seems to think it's a life of sexy lingerie, candlelit meals and wine every night.

The man is wealthy, but it's not his money that attracted him to her, it was his personality, she said.

I'm desperately worried about her, could people call her "the town bike" or "village slut" if this comes out in the open?

Could it last? Bear in mind, I've never actually met the boyfriend as such, only treated him as a customer when he bought his car from the dealer I work for, but I didn't know him inside out, he was a member of the public then.

I'd appreciate any advice you have on handling this situation.

Hi Katherine-

Does she truly and honestly think he's going to leave his wife for her? Chances are he never will. Not to mention that relationships born out if an affair do not last. And also if he'll cheat with her he will eventually cheat on her. Bet she hasn't thought that far in the future.  At this point she's not had enough experiences in life to know that. Unfortunately she will have to learn stuff like that the hard way in life. How many children at that age actually listen and take their parents advice, not very many b/c they have to learn through experience in life before they finally realize they should have heeded our advice.

One never truly knows someone until they've lived with them, to see what they are really like. One day she will see that she's not making a very wise decision and someday she might regret that, that remains to be seen though.  There's not really anything you can do to change her mind. All you can do is as her mother give her your sound and sage advice and if she follows it great and if not well that's on her in the end. It's her life and she'll live and learn or she won't that's totally up to her.  

I highly doubt they will be together that long. And if they are she will soon learn that he will come with a lot of excess baggage and us she really prepared to stick that out with him and all the drama that will inevitably come with it? I doubt it but remains to be seen as of yet. I suppose only time will truly tell. Until then give her you best motherly advice and hope she listens to you. As a mom there is only so much you can do and the rest is up to her. I hope this helps you some.


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