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Marriage/Why don't I divorce?


Hi Samantha,
It is going to be 10 years since I married my husband. My husband has been unemployed since 2009, and friends and family are all pushing me to divorce him. There are some compelling points for me to do so. He got cold feet two months before our wedding in 2006. We only married at City Hall quickly without having time to invite my family overseas in 2004. He made it difficult for us to have a child (it took years of heated discussion, it was never the right time)until we finally had a daugter in 2011 but upon learning I was pregnant, he got sulky for two weeks. I would like another child (don't want my daughter to grow up alone, am full of maternal instincts etc)but he doesn't. He never really warmed up to my parents even though we used to see them only once a year. I stopped talking to my parents for a year on his behalf (hurtful things were said). It seems I always fought hard for our couple, forgiving the cold feet, trying to convince him for a baby, not pushing my parents on him, taking his side when they insulted him, shouldering him during our financial difficulties. However we still had good moments, he had a lot of humor, we had intimate moments and we sahre our love for our daughter very strongly. However lately, he found a new job after so many years and we thought we were out of our crisis. But no luck, he is physically unable to move without pain since december. Apparently he has a hernia in the groin area coupled with bruised muscles. So the only thing I hear from him since december are groans of pain, a screwed up face of pain, no humor, no intimacy. It seems like everything fun is sucked out of my marriage one thing after another. Plus family and friends not understanding why I am staying with him. Truthfully, I am not sure of what to do anymore. Why am I seemingly unable to make the first step towards a divorce? After shouldering my husband for the past 5 years, after forgiving him for getting cold feet, after the disappointment of knowing he doesn't want a second child? I am still young, 37 years old. Why don't I divorce? I do love him but don't feel any physical pull towards him lately. I know he is in pain and I am sorry for it but I can't bear anymore groans, it seems it is pulling me down and depressing. I feel like I am waiting to see where/when this pain is going and if my husband is going to resurface, but I feel so tired, after 5 years of financial struggle, to still have to be the strong one. I don't even know if I love him, I am craving for some TLC or even an adult conversation, I feel so isolated. We don't talk anymore, he is so centered around this pain. And just when I thought we could get back on our feet, I can't help but feel resentful towards my husband to show physical weakness after showing commitment weakness and financial weakness one after another. And I am still there, around him, still thinking that a divorce would be a defeat. Why? Why is everyone telling me to go, and I would say the same thing to a friend in a similar situation, but I am unable to follow through? I feel very much alone, with no love or tenderness in my life except for my daughter. I feel more like a mother than a wife towards my husband and increasingly so since he is sick. I don't need much, just a loving glance, a tender clasp of the hand, but if I don't ask for it, I don't get it. I don't know if my husband likes being pampered and me being the big earner while he stays home, so with this in mind, plus my family's and friends expectations, it is all getting muddled. Should I divorce? Why don't I?

Hi Nadia

Because it's easier said than done, trust me when I say that. Let me elaborate a bit. In my first marriage I stayed for 4.5 years. My marriage was horrible and very volatile. We had three children together. I grew up in a Christian home where marriage vows are taken very seriously. My marriage was violent and bitter with angry words spoken to each other, name calling, physical violence to each other. There were times my children witnessed these ugly acts. We were that out of control with each other. Finally after all those years I said no more that I could not keep living this way and continue in a life of living hell. I had to do something for my sanity and for the sake of my children. Keep in mind I felt that I did everything within my power to save this marriage, including going to counseling. And while it helped me, he refused to work on himself. While everything was conveniently someone else's fault but his own. I knew that was when it was time to move on.  It took me a very long time to come to terms with that decision. And to this day I have never once regretted that decision to divorce him. Often times the hardest thing is to take that first step and actually going through with it. You have to do it for you and only when the time is right for you and no one else. It's your life that only you have to live not anyone else and that includes your family and friends.  My parents didn't like that I married my ex-husband. It was my choice to make and not anyone else's. Same goes for you.

You have to ask yourself some tough questions. What do I want out of this marriage? Is my life going to be better of without my husband? Sit down and make a list of pros and coins, etc. You have some serious thinking to do if you're considering divorce. It's a life altering decision to make for especially you and your daughter.  Can you imagine being a single mother doing it all on your own. Let me tell you it's a tough thing to do on your own raising a child. I'm not saying you can't, but it will either make or break you in the process. By what you've been telling me, I don't think you're fully convinced you are sure of what you really want.  Listen to you heart and your gut instincts, what are they saying to you?  Is it saying get out now or give it time?  Divorce is devastating on everyone involved.  If you want my best advice it's to do everything possible to save your marriage before you call it quits. At least in the end you can say I did everything within my power to save my marriage before I decided to go through a divorce but unfortunately it didn't work out like I had hoped it would and you can then walk away knowing you did you best and truly gave it your all.  

I hope this helps you some. Please feel free to contact me again if you have further questions. I hope you figure out what you want and that you do what's in the best interest of you and your daughter. The choice is yours and one that only you can make.


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I can answer most any type of questions relating to marriage and relationships. I have been divorced and I`m happily remarried. I have been through many things throughout the years. I will try to offer solutions to a problem you have whether it be; divorce, adultery, advice on a spouse, etc. I`d be happy to answer, to the best of my ability, any questions you might have. I promise to be unbiased and non-judgemental. As I like to remain neutral and try to see things from every angle possible and keep an open mind.


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