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Hello!

I need help on guidance, I feel very conflicted, angry and frustrated with my husband and vice versa (I'm sure).

We've been together for 7 years and we're in our late 20's, both working, I work part time-full time and he works full time to overtime and we have a 2 cats and a dog.

I feel so unbelievably under appreciated and disrespected. We were together for 5.5 yrs before I even brought up marriage, because he hadn't proposed to me, even though we lived together for 5 years- and fine I understand he's very weary of change (he panics at any change in his life ...ANY) so we talk it over and we get engaged, then he's all for it because he got over the hump, but I feel very depressed that I never got that moment when someone I love asked me to be with them for the rest of our lives. I got over it, we carried on with our lives.

I do everything for this guy. I work so he doesn't have to pay as much in bills, we're financially well off, I cook for him almost every night, I am such a good wife (I know it, because I pride myself on it), I fold his laundry, make sure he looks good, buy anything he needs so he doesn't have to go out and worry about it. I cut his hair, I take care of his maintenance on his car (sometimes), I wash and vacuum his car quite often to have it clean for him, I look after the cats which is feeding them 3 times a day and cleaning the litter, I take out our dog for 1.25 -2 hours per day on the week and more on the weekend (fair, I wanted her in the first place) but it takes a lot of my time, I grocery shop for our food, I tidy the house daily then clean deep down every week. On top of all this I work part time out of the home and then at least another 5-10 hours a week writing programs and doing emails for clients. I do so much.
My husband works - which I appreciate. But when he comes home, he's "off", he can relax and do whatever. When I come home from work I am working at home or doing something constantly.

Now the real problem, the past 2 months he hasn't been feeling well, he just recently found out that he has a viral infection in his sinus which makes his face tingly, dizziness, headaches etc. Well for the first month I rubbed his head/shoulders/back, offered him comfty spots to lay down, take it easy, I'd rub him to sleep etc. But every day he'd come home ANGRY and short tempered and would snap at me for nothing - just because he was irritated. 2 months now, he's still doing it and I've hit my limit to what I can do for him, nothing I do works and he just gets mad at me and in general. But even with this head thing he still gets drunk, plays baseball, does his fantasy sports etc. So obviously not debilitating as he acts. Now tonight he said that I think he's faking it because I no longer baby him (because I can't stand how he treats me by snapping at me for no reason). He got wasted the other weekend, I wouldn't baby him because he got himself that drunk, so he said how horrible I am, I'm teh worst person in the world. So I ended up babying him that night and cleaning vomit off the toilet, his face, arms, our bed and I ended up sleeping on the couch with no sleep. No thank you the next morning, no appreciation.

I feel so under appreciated and used. I know I'm not perfect, I can be a "not nice person" every month or so, but I always strive to treat others how you want to be treated. And I don't understand how I do so much for him and somehow I'm horrible because I can't take anymore of his angry moods and how he accuses me of saying he "fakes this head thing" - which I've never said, I said the anxiety about it is making it worse (which he has panic attack modes about the dizziness).

I feel cornered and at a loss. Talking to him does nothing - he defends himself, saying I treat him like crap because I stopped babying him. How do I get through to him. If he only knew how some women treat their husbands he'd appreciate me more.

Thank you in advance, I know it was long.

Kris

Answer
Kristen, I'm glad you reached out in an attempt to improve your marriage.

Since you've been trying everything you can to get the appreciation, acknowledgment and gratitude you'd like to have, to no avail, the bigger issue becomes, Do you think that things will change in the future?  If yes, keep working on it.  If no, can you live with it? If you can live with it, how do you get your needs met?  If you can't live with it, what then?

If the two of you do decide to work on things, then you might want to read about Constructive Communication like Active Listening and Win-Win Conflict Resolution.  It's very important to listen to the other person with no explanations, no defensiveness, no 'but you do .....'.  Also, do try hard to say something positive when he does give to you and minimize saying something negative when he doesn't.

A nice little intervention that can be useful is to ask your husband to tell you three things you do that make him want to give to you and three things that make him resist.  And you do the same for him.  The point of this type of exercise is to help people see that it is NEVER just one person causing the problem.

If doing these exercises causes more conflict and/or doesn't resolve much, then you need to see a professional Marriage Counsellor.

I wonder what he would say about the marriage?

I hope it works out for the two of you.  

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