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Marriage/Wife cheating with my dad, what next? (as well as divorce?)


I'm 30 with a 5-year-old son, and been married for 2 years now.
I only recently found out my wife had been having a long-term affair with my dad, and am now filing for divorce.

What makes it even worse, and sad for me, is that my son doesn't recognize me as his dad, he calls my dad 'Dad' instead of me!
Isn't that weird, he's both his grandad and his stepdad?

I could be angry, moan and whinge but I won't be like that, I have to be strong for my son but it's tough.

Although I've taken the first step, she will not agree to it at all, and refuses to divorce me, and it's made even worse by the fact that all the times she said she'd been "at friends' houses" (which, really, I was not worried about) was time with my dad.
She's now effectively de facto moved in with him, and my mum is furious at this, but she refuses to divorce my dad, saying it's a silly attempt at being young. She thinks marriage is for there through thick and thin.

This is worse than that, it's betrayal.

I can't exactly cut off ties with my dad, as you only get one in life, and it would be cruel, what if he died of a heart attack the next day - sounds morbid, but my mum told me you never know what will happen next.

Won't there be problems for this relationship, what about as my son gets older etc., not to mention the fact he thinks my dad is his dad, not me!

I do get stressed a lot thinking about this and only feel happy when in work or with my brother and sister, who are helping me through this.

I'm just a guy, but to be honest, struggling to cope, counselling would cause even more stress so I can't go for that right now.

I'd appreciate any advice on this.

Hi Martin~

When did her long term affair with your father begin?  Are you sure that your son is in fact your son for sure?  I know that you might not want to consider this is possible.  Of course depending on when the affair first started.  I mean she's lied to you about where she was, she's got your son calling your father dad and the list goes on and on.  That seems a bit strange that he's calling him dad and not grandpa and that you're wife even allows that at all.  It's just rude and very disrespectful to you and confusing to your son.  

You can most certainly obtain a divorce w/o her consent.  You do not have to have her approval to get a divorce from her contrary to what she might be thinking.  A judge can and will grant you one if you so wish.  Divorce sometimes is a necessary evil to have to go through.  It's devastating on everyone involved including children.  The good news is that children are very resilient and he can most certainly bounce back from all of this.  

I suppose you need to figure out what you want to do about all of this.  Divorce seems to be your best option given what she's done to you.  She might have irreparably damaged the marriage beyond being saved.  Cheating is the ultimate betrayal in any relationship or marriage. It damages trust and respect and what good is a marriage w/o trust and respect.  Not much of a marriage if I'm being honest here.

Start by slowing putting your life back together, by taking care of yourself and focusing much of your time and attention on him.  You've got to do what's in the best interest of yourself and your son.  Try to focus on the good things you have going for you in life, even if it is your family, your son and work that bring you some form of happiness, that's truly what matters in life.  You can and will get through all of this, it will take some time, energy and effort on your part though.

As for will this relationship between your father and your wife work, odds are no.  Less than 5% of unions/relationships born out of adultery do not last, period.  If they will cheat on their spouses then they will eventually do it to each other.  They have no respect for their significant others, if they did they wouldn't have done what they did.  They are both being very dishonest and selfish.  It will not last, mark my words.  

All you can do is tell your son the truth when he's older and continue to show that you love and care for him.  It's really tough to go through something of this magnitude, it really is.  I've been cheated on and know how deeply this really hurts.  Start moving on with your life w/o her in it.  Everything else will eventually fall into place.  Keep a good support system in place and don't be afraid to talk to your family about how you feel and to get their support to get you through all this.  I hope this helps you some.  


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