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Marriage/Best friend with my mother , followup


thanks for your reply.
The affair didn't begin until my mum had officially declared herself separated to my dad, and when she told him he had 48 hours to leave. This was 18 months ago.
Their relationship had been good up until now, no arguments except for silly little things, my dad had been a good dad to me and a great husband to her [her words!] until she'd met my friend.

She says this marriage will be for keeps when the divorce comes through; she's spent ages looking online for divorce lawyers.

I can't move in with my grandparents since there's not enough space in their house, and it's too expensive to move out; I have an older sister, who's 28, but can't move in with her since she lives with her boyfriend (who I get on with) and it would intrude on their day -to-day life.

As for my mum, she said she'd never kick me out, I'm her only son. None of the "if you don't like it then you can get out "

I have tried to do some research on this, and, this is what I got from one advice site about affairs:

"As fun and exciting as it feels for both of you now, an affair, isn't like living in the real world.

It's a bit like a fairytale, and there are not the responsibilities that the real world has, such as bills, rent or mortgage, sickness, arguments, waking up grumpy in the morning, dirty washing, housekeeping, mowing the lawns, etc. etc. etc.

In the real world, the bubble of the fairytale very soon bursts.

Because reality hits home HARD!"

Am I right in thinking that my best friend will have to worry about these issues?

For now, I suspect he's with her because she's older than him, and because she looks like Brandi Glanville (look her pictures up on Google). My friend likes Brandi, and now he's found someone like her [my mum], he seems happy, but this is a line that shouldn't even be crossed - your best friend's mum, it's fine to like a celeb, but this is different altogether.

My mum often gets told this, and likes the compliments.

I feel sickened by the thought of this; and as much as I don't want to think about it, won't he become my step-dad? Isn't that weird?

My dad is a gentle, kind, caring man and has said to me this behaviour seems out of character, she's not the type to have affairs, he knows her too well, said she's not the type to do this.

As for confronting my friend, well, how should or could I do it?

How could the fallout of this affect my family, his family etc.?

I am worried about all of this, need some help.

Won't there be issues like alimony / divorce settlements etc. to worry about?

Hi John~

I'm sorry that you have to go through such an experience it's not fair to you to be put in this sort of position.  On one hand you have your mom and the next your supposed "friend" a true friend would never do this to someone that he loved and cared for.  It's just a sick combination for them to be together period.  No matter how you look at it it's just wrong.  Your mom can say all day long that she won't throw you out, but what happens if she takes his side and him living there become unbearable for you (or for your mom and your friend for that matter) then what?  Give her a scenario and ask her what she thinks she'd do.  And I don't think she can honestly answer that truthfully.  I mean look at how she's acting and what she did to your father by throwing him out (her husband someone she was supposed to love, honor and cherish).  What if you become a third wheel in their relationship to her, will she truly throw you out?  I think that's something that I would constantly worry about if I were in your situation.  

She'll be married to him for life? Really, I'm sorry but that's pathetic.  She's talking nonsense.  How well does she know this man?  Likely not very well.  You truly do not know a person until you live with them and see how they are.  If you can get a long with them, etc everyone can be good at presenting to be one thing but completely another behind closed doors.  Talk about awkward if they do get married, your best friend as your step-dad.  How can she do that to your and your family?  Have you been brave enough to ask her what in the hell would possess her to go after your BEST FRIEND? Has she no limits or boundaries on such things that are sacred or lines that just aren't to be crossed?  Apparently not.  I'm not trying to down your mom or make her out to be a bad person.  She clearly doesn't make very sound judgements on certain things.  I would be horrified if this happened to me.  I honestly wouldn't know what to think, say or do.  I guess you can't unless and until you've been in that sort of situation.  I feel for you I really do.

I suppose that only time will truly tell what will happen and how things will turn out for you.  She's thinking of her own selfish wants and needs and not of those around her.  She will see when reality sets in that he's not this knight in shining armor she thinks he will be to her.  Things might go good for a while but it will soon fall apart when they really get to know one another.  And the fairy tale romance ends and reality hits.  I'm seriously at a loss for words on what to tell you to do.  

If you wish to confront your friend, I'd do so before he moves in with you so that you get it out in the open and out of the way.  Sit him and down and try to talk to him in a calm and cool manner (which I'm sure will be tough to do).  Ask him how could he do this to you and your family?  It compounds the whole situation that much more b/c you currently live with your mother.  It's not like you can get away and not be around either of them to only visit and have to put up with not getting along with them, fighting, un-comfortableness and the list goes on and on.  Tell him how much this is hurting you and what kind of an affect this has had on you.  That you're upset he did this to you to begin with and how could he do that to you? This might have damage the friendship beyond repair.  

The effects that this might have on your entire family would be.  You lose him as a friend (and real friend wouldn't do something like this to begin with).  It damages the relationship you share with your mother.  It makes life difficult to live with your mother and your "friend" when he moves in.  It ruins the relationship between your parents to where they are always at odds (and you might be put in the middle of it).  It will make get family functions uncomfortable.  The repercussion are vast.

You have every right to be worried.  It will totally affect how you live and get along with your mother and everyone else involved.  And it will cause a lot of problems in general.  As for alimony, divorce settlements, yes.  There will be a lot of drama and contesting and resentment going on all around you.  And all in the name of "love" and the bad decisions and poor choices that your mother is making.  It's not like it just affects her and your dad, it affects the entire family (even grown children) and friends in their life.  It's unfortunate that she decided to do this to everyone.  I guess only time will truly tell what's going to happen.  It will not be pretty that's for sure.  


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