Marriage/Husband left me for my niece, how to handle it?
I'm 34, and my husband left me for my niece, who's 19, and I'm pregnant as well, with his child.
I suspected him of having an affair, he wore aftershave, smart suits, going out a lot late at night, but never suspected my niece of being 'the other woman' !
I am American, well, American-British, born to American parents living in the UK here in the North of England.
Now my husband's planning on having a child with my niece, which sickens me.
He's filed for divorce, which is good, and I can cope with the practical side of things, i.e. filing for divorce, etc. but the emotional side less so.
If he did have a child what relation would it be to me and my unborn child, and how could this affect the family, could a feud break out due to it?
You just don't expect these things to happen in life, it is worrying me.
Isn't this one of the worst things that could happen in life to you, I mean I suspected him of having another woman due to his behaviour, but the other woman being my own niece, it's beyond words!
How should I handle this emotionally, and what about issues like child support, future access to child, family issues as a result etc. since I'll probably see him at weddings/funerals/Christmas parties/birthdays etc.
** Sorry to rush, on shared PC here, session expires in 40 mins**
If he had a child with your niece that would make that child a half-sibling to your child, and second cousin to your baby. Confusing I know. What he did was rude, selfish and totally unacceptable. He's only thinking of himself and his own gratification. Terrible that he did this to you, as cheating is the ultimate betrayal in a marriage/relationship. Trust me, I know what it feels like to be cheated and it's just awful, it makes you experience so many emotions too. And with you being pregnant that just adds to the emotions and raging hormones in your body. It's not something you're going to end up getting over anytime soon. All you can really do is to mourn the death of your marriage with him. It's something that will stick with you for a long time. It also makes it hard to trust a person again. He clearly has no love or respect for you otherwise he wouldn't have cheated in the first place, and especially with a close family member to boot.
Right now just deal with the emotions as they come, let it all out. Don't hold it all in b/c stress is not good for you or your unborn baby. Cry if you must, get angry, yell and get those pent up frustrations out somehow. Once you do that then you can start focusing on yourself and your baby. You can only take life one day at a time and try to get through it. Focus on things that bring you happiness, keep yourself busy, take one minutes, one hour, one day, one week at a time and soldier through it. I know this is devastating and it might feel like the end of the world right now, but I can assure you it's not. Get a good support system in place if you can to help you with this. If you have close and trustworthy friends and family talk to them and ask for their advice (if you wish) and live life for you, not anyone else.
My first marriage ended in divorce and I was separated from him twice before I finally got the strength and courage to end the marriage. The first year will likely be the hardest. You can and will get through all this though. You'll have it a little tougher being a single mom. If I can do it then so can you. You have to have faith and believe in yourself and work through everything that comes your way. It might get worse before it gets better too.
I'm going to copy and paste your questions here with my response below it for both of our convenience.
**How should I handle this emotionally?**
You deal with the emotions as they come, head on. Don't try to suppress them, it will only make things worse. I honestly didn't feel good for the first year after my divorce, and I was going through a lot of things in the process; such as the pending divorce, my ex-husband being a total asshole, my dad slowly dying of Emphysema, losing custody of my children and the list goes on and on. I totally get how frustrating and confusing all this can be to endure, and to be pregnant at the same time. During my first separation from my ex I was pregnant with our second child at the time. Due to him cheating on me, blah...blah...blah. We reconciled (even after I filed for divorce the first time around) and then it only lasted two more years and one more child later. I kicked him and out filed for divorce when my youngest child with him was only 5 weeks. It's tough but again you have to get through it someway somehow.
**And what about issues like child support, future access to child?**
I don't know what the laws are in the UK regarding divorcing, but you will most likely get granted child support and possibly alimony (it can't hurt to ask for it when you file your response to his divorce papers). Here (in the US) they go by the father's gross income and how many children you have. There is a chart that each state has that they go by (so laws and child support amounts can of course vary greatly) to determine how much child support a person gets. You will also set up a visitation schedule for him to have a certain allotted time for his visitation and if he'll be required to cover health insurance for the baby, etc.
**family issues as a result etc. since I'll probably see him at weddings/funerals/Christmas parties/birthdays etc**
The family issues will most likely occur, it happens in every family with divorced parents. Where you all will fight and disagree on what to do with the child, visits, etc. As for joint family events, these might prove challenging and a big uncomfortable and awkward at best. All you can do is to try to be the bigger person and be as civil to him and your niece and the rest of the family. Be prepared for them to make trouble and maybe even rude, sarcastic comments, and family feuding, etc. Take it all in stride (if this happens) and try to be the bigger person here. I hope this helps you some.