Marriage/Midlife crisis? reply
Thank you for replying. It was very much useful.
I did manage to find out a bit more about why he is acting this way; the pizza-eating is serious, he's been running a blog with recipes about pizza and reviews of local pizza places, and got a lot of critical acclaim on social media for it, and told me he's enjoying it.
As for the Toby's Travelling Circus thing, he said it's a fad that's gone now, he doesn't find it enjoyable anymore.
He said watching the show helped him relieve stress in work because his boss keeps on asking him to do things that are impossible to do and because the show was so nonsensical but funny; luckily for me, it was only for 1 week he had this behaviour. A week-long fad, and unlikely to repeat itself.
He said he can't leave, he's tied to his contract, which has 6 months left to run. (he works for a company that supplies medical equipment to private healthcare companies, in managerial).
Should I be concerned about his spending sprees on polo shirts and food/eating out, and is that normally a sign of a midlife crisis or does it usually point to an affair?
Your advice was really helpful, he does seem to want to change but doesn't know how to.
As for the blogging, should I worry less about that since he's been open and honest about it and why he did it?
Now I know why he spent so much on pizza, it seems there is a justification for it.
I know there is such a thing as social media addiction, but do you think he enjoys the positive reaction his audience gives him?
He told me he's thinking of leaving his job in 6 months, and going full-time with the restaurant/pizza-reviewing and blogging, and thinks he can make money off it; but is this something that I need to be concerned about. He said doing the blogging/restaurant reviewing allows him to be his own boss, and that it's something that's always in demand with the rise of social media, and people always want to read about food and drink.
I do worry a bit about midlife crisis, because I'm not sure if his behaviours fall into it, or he wants to deal with the issues in his life (stress at work).
So, I guess, where do I go from here?
I'm based in Nottinghamshire and he works in Derbyshire, but we live close to South Yorkshire, if that's of any interest to you.
I'd still be concerned about his addiction to some of the things. When it begins to consume you and to interfere with daily functioning, then that's when it's become an addiction and problem. I'm glad that you found my response helpful. I really hope that this is going to be a passing phase for him. The biggest concern that I would raise with him is that pizza and tons of it isn't exactly a healthy food choice, even if it's for blogging purposes and if it is helpful to his readers, etc. Pizza is choc full of calories, grease, cheese and the list goes on and on. I'd bring that up to him. It's perfectly fine for him to have a hobby about of this blogging, but when/if it interferes with his daily life and it's taking a toll on you and your marriage, then it needs to be addressed and remedied.
Now as for the polo shirts and eating out obsession, yes, I'd still be a bit concerned there too. Not per se b/c of the polo obsession that's relatively harmless there. However, the amount of money he's spending on them could be problematic. No matter what the obsession or interest is, there is such a thing of "too much" of a good thing, no matter what it is. And spending money eating out, don't get me started on that one. I know all too well on this subject. I have a huge, huge problem eating out. It's not good for you for one (even if you try to eat healthy), it costs a lot of money, time and energy. You'd be shocked and floored if you added up how much he was spending eating out, it's not cheap by any means, even if you do get a deal on some things. I've been addicted to eating out for years, since my teens. I've spent an ungodly amount of money that it's embarrassing by eating out. I eat out probably at least once per day sometimes 2-3. It's awful. And I do know how hard it is to stop it. He doesn't have to quit eating out, but he should limit it.
Have him do this (and he doesn't have to show you or anyone), have him keep a notepad handy and for EVERYTHING that he buys a day for at least a week, he has to write it down, no matter the amount. He will be blown away at how much he's spending. My dad had me to this, and I was floored at how much things cost, and wondered where all my money was indeed going. I added up a months worth of eating out (from my check register, not including anything I spent in cash) for eating out only and in 30 days I had spent over $150 dollars. That might not seem like much but just on food and drinks (mostly for myself) it was a real eye opener to say the least. Get him to do this for a week at minimum. And then have him come sit down with you and get his opinion on is it really worth all that he's doing to do the pizza blogging as a full time job.
I'd also mention to him how's he going to pay for health insurance or any other bills that he needs to pay, if he can't make a decent living at this. Those are some things he seriously needs to consider before up and leaving his job. He needs to make pros and cons on a list of paper so that it's there for him in black and white (as I suggested before, I believe anyway). To see if this blogging gig and can he make a real go of it. It's fine for him to do on the side, but he needs to make sure that he secures something in the future to help support the family. He could be having a mid-life crisis, some ppl do. Just ask him to please always be open and honest with you, even if he thinks it will hurt your feelings. Most of the time you can work through whatever comes your way in a relationship/marriage but the key is that both ppl have to be on board to do so. Communication is key to any happy, healthy and fulfilling marriage. Talk to each other on a regular basis and work through whatever comes your way as a team, a team is about working together through it all. I hope this helps you some more.