You are here:

Marriage/My Sister's 5 year anniversary caused a problem

Advertisement


Question
I'm hoping for some advice here. My sister recently had her 5-year anniversary about her wedding this week but unfortunately it became memorable for all the wrong reasons. I'm dating her husband's brother, the relationship started at the original wedding, and things are going well. I'd known him a while, but decided to check anyway, just to ensure he had no problems with it, and he was fine. It's his younger brother btw, my sister's husband's 32, she's 31, I'm 33 and my partner's 28.
My sister invited everyone who came along to the original wedding, and it went well, even had a re-creation of the original wedding for fun. We live in Washington, well, around the Aberdeen area, near Seattle and the Canada border. I work for a Subaru dealer locally, enjoy my job, and have good friendships.
However, it got disrupted during the speech by someone heckling her, asking her things like "Who pays the bills?", "Does he fart in bed?", "Does he wear Y-fronts", "Is he good in bed", "How are you coping with the bills", and this question was the big one, "Are you fed up picking up his pants and washing his undies?" and even "Who's better at the shit stuff, you know, washing cleaning all that jazz". Even worse, it was by the neighbors from down the road who had attended the wedding. These questions shocked me and her. She was mortified by this and a stony silence ensued.
I felt really embarrassed and am worried about the big 1-0 anniversary, which'll be 5 years away from now.
It's gotten so bad she gets occasional phone calls off the neighbors - she used to be good friends with them until this happened - constantly asking the same thing.
OK, so it's not exactly threats to kill, but it's personal harassment, plain and simple and my sister feels it's affecting her marriage; she's began eating and drinking heavily, on water and soft drinks, I should add, and she says her husband feels low because of it, and struggles to shake off the memories.
She lives about 30 minutes away from me, by car, so not that far really. We want help but don't know what to do about it, and this worries us a little. I don't know where to turn, need some advice, can't understand why someone finds other people's domestic life such a source of humor, natch, need help and don't know where to get it... what if it happened to them, I doubt they'd find it as funny?Sorry to ramble on, but am here on a public wi-fi and y'know, got to get some help somewhere on this, the issue worries me.

Answer
Hi Julia~

While I can understand her being embarrassed by being bombarded with the rude questions and comments, why is she letting it control her life?  Why is she letting it effect her marriage with her husband (if it indeed really is)?  These people clearly have no couth or manners and obviously weren't taught any manners or they wouldn't be behaving like this.  She has no control over what others say, do or think.  And, yes, while it would bother me at first, I wouldn't keep dwelling on it.  If she continues to allow this to affect her then they are winning and they don't even have to be anywhere near her for this to happen.  She's beating herself up over someone else's stupidity and obnoxiousness.  Why is she allowing this to happen?  She's just going to have to learn to rethink her way of thinking and responding to this nonsense.  I know that will not be easy, but she'll have to learn some new coping skills to get through this.  

They must be jealous of her or want to harass her b/c they can and they know they'll get a good reaction out of her.  I quit caring what people think a long time ago.  It's a process that you have to learn through life.  Too many times often people worry what others think about them, how they dress, how they live life and blah..blah..blah, the list goes on and on.  She has to learn to love herself and to not worry what others think about her and her marriage.  As I said before people are going to think whatever they want no matter how much you try to convince them otherwise.

She needs to focus on the blessings in her life.  Tune out the haters.  Someone in life will always be negative towards you.  It's all in how you carry yourself and in how you choose to response to them.  Ignoring their actions and not inviting them back to any anniversary or other functions would be a start.  Don't respond to their negativity or their actions if you can help it.  Don't have any contact with them b/c she doesn't need that drama in her life (no one does for that matter).  Go on with life and eliminate the haters and nay-sayers by removing them from your life.  It won't be easy but she can do it.  If they ask why, just be frank with them and say that you don't want to be around their negativity and their crude jokes and cracks it's not funny.  So you choose to distance yourself from them.  Hopefully sooner or later they will catch on, if not then move on with life.  

Try to support her to the best of your abilities and reassure her that you're there for her and they aren't even worth her time, energy or effort.  Sometimes a person can be their own worst critic and enemy.  She has to focus on the good things in life.  

Marriage

All Answers


Answers by Expert:


Ask Experts

Volunteer


Samantha

Expertise

I can answer most any type of questions relating to marriage and relationships. I have been divorced and I`m happily remarried. I have been through many things throughout the years. I will try to offer solutions to a problem you have whether it be; divorce, adultery, advice on a spouse, etc. I`d be happy to answer, to the best of my ability, any questions you might have. I promise to be unbiased and non-judgemental. As I like to remain neutral and try to see things from every angle possible and keep an open mind.

Experience

I have been a volunteer for all experts for over 10 yrs now. I volunteer in 2 catagories/topics involving marriage type issues. I have helped a lot of people.

Education/Credentials
.....................

©2016 About.com. All rights reserved.