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Marriage/wanting to save our marriage


Last year, my wife and I both had affairs.  We had grow apart, and separated.  We have decided that we love and desire each other, and want to be together. It is mind of hard because we live about 90 miles apart. Bug se try to make time to be together. We always enjoy our time together.  
I have broken off all contact with the person I had an affair with. She says that hers was not an affair, merely sex.  
The problem right now is that they remain friends. She was going to block him from Facebook. She decided that she would deactivate her account instead.  I found out by accident some months later that she reactivated it, and had me blocked, and kept him as a friend.
This person is in a band.  She has been going to see the band Whenever she can.  She has been lying to me about it.  She claims they are only friends. She will not break it off for anything.  Am I wrong in feeling this is detrimental to our relationship?  I know she would be very hurt and angry if I remained friends with the woman I had an affair with.
We both want this to work, but I really feel this friendship is eventually going to tear apart what we are trying to rebuild.

its either reunion with wife or let go of drama relationship with the homewrecker.u cannot have cake and eat it too,ultimatums ;has to make a choice between  wife and the other woman because ucanít have them both.In My Opinion, True Victory Doesnít Take Place Until You Feel Whole And Complete Again: Many women echo this wifeís concerns.  Itís so common to hope that once this other woman is out of the picture, our struggles will be over.  But frankly, sometimes the struggles truly are just beginning.  Yes, healing your marriage (and yourself) is often  very difficult or next to impossible with her still in the picture.  But, once sheís gone, thatís when you have to begin to truly pick up the pieces.  And even if sheís no longer there physically, her presence can often be felt mentally and psychologically for a long while after the affair is over.

However, this doesnít mean that you should be discouraged or allow your frustration to halt your progress.  Understand that true healing and feeling whole once again isnít going to happen overnight.  Eliminating her from the picture is necessary and itís a huge step toward recovery.  But, understand that getting her out of the picture only means that you wonít have to contend with her anymore. It doesnít mean that youíve done anything to improve yourself, your marriage, or the after math of whatís happened.

I know from experience, that you often wonít feel like youíve really won or recovered until you are at peace and happy again.  Because if you get your husband to chose you over her but then do nothing to ensure the healing and recovery or yourself and your marriage, then you are still likely to walk around wounded, hurt, and unsure.  This can leave you feeling as if sheís still a ghost in your marriage and your life.

In order to really rid her from your life and your mind, you have to make sure that recovery is so complete that thereís no longer any room for her.  If you can rebuild to the point where you are once again happy, confident and fulfilled, itís only then that you will have the confidence to realize that not only is she no longer a problem or source of pain for you, but that she was never solely the problem to begin with.

Understand That The Other Woman Is Often Just A Symptom Or Whatís Wrong. So Eliminating Her Without Also Addressing The Other Issues Can Still Leave You Feeling Empty And Unsure:  When the other woman is a huge presence in our lives, we often convince ourselves that if we can just convince our husbands to chose us over her (so that we can get her out of the picture) then everything is going to be all right once again.

But we often donít realize is that sheís not the entire problem.  Sheís often a symptom of what was wrong either with our husband (a lack of self esteem, a time of personal crisis, etc.) or with our marriage.  So just removing her from the picture doesnít change those things that brought about the symptom in the first place.  In order to truly heal and to feel confident that she (and her aftermath) are gone from our lives and are no longer a threat to us, weíll often need to remove those things that contributed to her coming into our lives in the first place.

There often isnít a quick fix for this.  Recovery after infidelity is often a detailed process that requires a lot of work both individually and as a couple.  But the good news is that couples who are really committed to truly rebuilding their marriages are often rewarded with a relationship that is better than ever and the confidence to know that the other woman (and others like her) are something that they arenít going to have to worry about in the future.
Is A Husband Lying When He Claims He Never Thinks About The Other Woman Or The Affair?  Is This Even Possible? These are difficult questions because itís impossible for anyone to get inside the mind of the heart of another person.  I can tell you that some (but certainly not all) men will try to downplay the affair or the other person because they are trying to spare you pain and they truly do want to save their marriage.

So, they arenít going to share any thoughts that they fear might make this less likely.  And, they know that if they admit to still thinking about the other woman or the relationship from time to time (even if itís not even in a wistful or positive way,) this is going to hurt you or bring about more issues for you.  So, they figure itís best to keep their thoughts to themselves, especially if those thoughts donít really matter to them and arenít going to help their cause.

With that said, many men will tell you that the affair was an impulsive act that truly didnít have many emotional ramifications for them.  Even though literature and statistics will suggest that men cheat for at least partly emotional reasons (and I agree with this,) many of those same men will deny that this was the case for them.  Theyíll tell you that this was just a short term thing that happened while they werenít thinking clearly, that they now deeply regret it, and that they are perfectly willing and able to move on without a lot of emotional baggage or thought.

And although I am not and would never defend a man who cheats, I do believe that many men who make these declarations do believe what they say.  Because if you dig a little deeper and speak at length about this, it can become clear that, were it not for their wife constantly bringing the affair and the other woman up, they could merely walk away quite easily. Theyíll tell you this is because they donít forge the emotional attachments that wives fear the most.

I often hear comments like: ďmy wife is always asking me if I still think about the affair.  Honestly, if she wouldnít constantly bring it up, I donít think Iíd ponder it much at all.  Itís in the past and I see no reason at all to keep dwelling on it all of the time.  But my wife canít seem to let it go.  Sheís constantly asking me about what Iím thinking and how I feel. She canít or wonít just drop it.  How can we move on when sheís constantly picking at the scab that is trying to heal? She thinks Iím lying when I tell her I donít think about it.  I guess that is not entirely untrue, but, if I think about it at all, itís because she constantly brings it up.  Itís like she wants to think that this other person and I shared this great love affair that will never end when nothing is further from the truth.  I could go my entire life without needing to contact or think or this person again but my wife wonít let it rest.Ē

Now, whether comments like this are entirely true or not, these are the type of things that I often hear. The husband will insist that he rarely longs for (and much less thinks about) the other woman, but his wife just wonít let it rest and is constantly bringing the topic back to the affair so that itís impossible not to think about it.


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I specialise in helping couples save their marriage and rebuild it after major hurts such as an affair. Creating intimacy, removing hurt, dealing with sexual and communication problems.I can answer questions about issues arising in marriage: conflict, communication, listening, anger, verbal abuse, infidelity, addiction/substance abuse, pornography, physical abuse, time spent together, finances, in-laws, death of a spouse or child, separation and divorce,forgiveness,anger management issues, problem-solving and much more.


I have over 20 years as a counselor for couples experiencing difficulties. I have been a counselor for over 20 years,26years of marriage.I have been a student of this subject for over a decade and have not only researched it but lived it in my own life!

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I have a bachelor of Philosophy from CPCC in Charlotte NC I can comfortably answer questions about developing or salvaging a strong marriage relationship.

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bachelor of Philosophy

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I have a PhD in Metaphysics, Divinity, am a Minister with Friendship Baptist Church,faithful member, i would love to be a good samaritan to help couples to be blessed with positive answers.

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