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Hi Dr Silver

I'm hoping you can help me. I'm happily married to my husband of 6 years and our sex life is good. But I sometimes fantasize about him having sex with other people. It turns me on. But I don't want it to ever happen. I don't want to share him; I believe when you're married, you're with only your spouse. My questions are, is it possible to feel both turned on and not like it at the same time?  And is it normal to fantasize about this? I guess my fear is that what if, because I have this fantasy, it means I really do wantit. Maybe I'm just being paranoid.

Thank you


Fantasy is just that.  Thoughts and images in one's head.  It's not behavior.  So, unless you act upon a fantasy there is no harm.  Acting on or telling people about your fantasy is a different matter.  Since your fantasy life is very personal and private, it can be risky to share it with people unless all parties have agreed to share their fantasies.  Your specific fantasy is quite common.   You may want the fantasy to come true or it may stay in your head.    Once an image in fantasy becomes real in life, it is hard to get it out of one's head.  If you don't want the fantasy, but it keeps coming into your head, that can be a problem.  Those are called unwanted thoughts.  If the fantasy makes you feel good, it's no problem.  There are things that we want and yet can feel guilty about.  Those are called mixed feelings.  I would definitely recommend that you not tell your husband until you've given that a lot of thought.  As you say, that image is OK in fantasy, but not reality.  


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Dr. John Silver


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Online Therapy and Counseling Until Midnight, specializing in Online Therapy including Office, Email, Telephone and Web Counseling, Directed by Dr. John Silver, Certified Online Therapist, Licensed Marriage, Family and Child Counselor, Certified Psychoanalyst, Certified Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT), Certified Addictions Specialist and Certified Sex Counselor offers a Free Office, Phone or Video Consultation, Free Email Advice, a Sliding Fee Scale, Same Day Appointments, Night and Weekend Hours in Los Angeles, Seattle and Virtually World Wide. ____________________________________________________________________________ Dr. Silver was classically trained in Psychoanalysis, became proficient in the modern Evidence-Based, Outcome-Measured Modalities like Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) as well as experienced in the Cutting-Edge Technology of TeleHealth. He Directed a Counseling Center for over 15 years in which he was responsible for the care of 1000s of Patients, the Training of 100s of Therapists and the Development of a recognized Clinic offering high quality services at a Low Fee; was a PsychoSocial Researcher at the RAND Corporation, Los Angeles County/USC Psychiatric and Camarillo State Hospitals; a Montessori School Psychologist; a Specialist in Child Therapy for the Los Angeles County Department of Mental Health, Reiss-Davis Child Study Center and other positions of Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy Consultation.

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