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Marriage/Wife has gone to her mother with the kids


I have been married for 10 years and have two daughters of 7 and 3. We both work and have a mortgage on our home. Recently, my wife has had issues with how I relate to my eldest daughter and felt that we didn't interact as well as we should. She has had issues with me having hobbies as they interfere with not being with the children and engage with them 100%. I have been receiving parenting support from a vounteer service but they feel my wife is too controlling and smothering the relationship I have with the kids. My marriage has been suffering as a result of these tensions and and my wife thinks that I don't put her first. Recently she has threatened to kick me out of the house and end the marriage almost on a weekly basis hoping that I will toe the line. We've managed to quick fix the situation by letting it calm down a bit.
The problem this time and in the past is that my eldest daughter tries to get me into trouble by having a tantrum when she doesn't get her own way. Yesterday, I had been working on a model aircraft whilst the wife was at work. When she returned, the kids were playing and I was sitting at the table. She was not impressed but didn't say anything, eventually breaking a glass in a temper.I took the girls to the park as to let my wife sleep a while. When we returned, I needed to do some paperwork for my job. My daughter asked if I wohld play with her. I told her that I needed to finish my work. She then went and woke my wife saying that I was playing on the computer and ignoring her needs. My wife gave her the ipad to get rid of her. I wad pretty angry by what she had done so I told her off, pulled her tiwards me and took the ipad as I didn't believe in rewarding her for her behaviour. As I pulled her towards me, she started screaming as if I'd hit her. My wife camr down the stairs in a rage and told me to get out in front of the kids. I said I wasn't prepared to leave as I hadn't done anything wrong. She then packed a case and left for her mothers. My daughter looked satisfied with herself as she got into the car which was the aim of her game.
My wife messaged me to tell me that she doesn't love me enough to give me anymore chances and will look for somewhere else to live. She said she's had enough of me being physically and emitionally abusive to our daughter. What should I do now? I have written an email to her protesting my innocence. She knows I love the children. We are gojng to lapland to see sabta in a few weeks and have a busy life with the children. What can I do to get them to come home or should I contact lrgal advice? I love my wife and although she is controlling, she is the love of my life.

ANSWER: Don't 'protest your innocence'.  All that does is prove to your wife that you don't listen to nor understand her.  Write something simple like you love her and the children and you'll do whatever it takes to repair the family.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi. I have stopped writing her messsages as she can't be bothered to read them. She wants me to agree to a divorce so that we can then be amicable?! I have avoided agreeing and told her that I am not leaving the house. We have a trip to lapland planned and I asked is she is still willing to go. She said that we van go if I accept the situation. We are still sleeping in the same bed and she still cooks and does my laundry whithout any issues. I have stepped up my parental interactions to really show how I could be with the kids. We have ao much to loose with splitting up and I still love my wife. How can I break through this mind set? I am willing to anything here.

It's good you want to try to keep the family together.   However, you say 'Break through her mindset'?  You mean ignore her needs.  That's how she would feel about you not accepting her desire to get divorced (and many, many other needs she may have had that you over-rode with your needs.)  There is a good chance that this goes back a long time.  And she probably is right.  You want your way.  Your daughter is angry at you.  Why is that?  Probably the same reason.

I would suggest to her that she wait on a decision about the marriage until you've entered individual therapy and work on your own issues.

Good luck.


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