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Marriage/Marriage Concerns


My husband and I have been married for 24 years - dated since I was 17. My father was murdered before I met my husband. I had custody of my cousin's child and we decided to get married to adopt said child. We lost in court and the child went back to my cousin. We were not allowed to see this child again - it hurt us. He turned to drinking but I learned we were pregnant with our first of four children. He ended up losing his license from two driving intoxicated convictions, I threatened to leave but he promised to quit drinking and he did. We have a good life - nothing fancy but bills are paid. He is very controlling with me and the kids. The oldest is 23, youngest 16. In the beginning I went on vacations with the kids - he would stay home and work. Now we both work full time to have a life we want for our kids. He doesn't trust me to go on vacations even with the kids anymore. Apparently he told the kids I have cheated on him - this is so far from the truth. I am not allowed to have friends outside of family members. The few I have had contact with he complains about until I finally give in and not speak to them. He doesn't like my sister so I am not allowed to visit her unless she comes to my house. Yes I have dealt with this behavior for a very long time and never realized it until one of my older children pointed it out. Now its all I see! I am miserable. My father's murderer came up for parole and he refused to go with me to the hearing. This is something he knew I have always wanted to do from the very beginning of our relationship. He made sure that I wouldn't have money to go and then when he realized I had been saving for this - he refused to go with me or allow our then minor children to go. I tried desperately not to blame him for my not attending this hearing but I do blame him. I physically got sick from all the stress - I really wanted his support and he couldn't give it to me. He just added to it. He is caring when he wants to be but it has to be his way. I keep thinking it is wrong to stay in a marriage that I hate but I also don't think its right to throw away such a long relationship. He doesn't realize anything is wrong because he hasn't changed in years - I am the one who is finally realizing the man he truly has became over the past fifteen or so years. Please help me understand what I am feeling. I feel guilty for even having these thoughts. Our 16 year old only has 2 years of high school left so I think I can probably deal with my marriage until she graduates. Is this wrong to play along if I want out? I will do anything for my kids including staying in my marriage. The vows ring through my head - til death do us part.... and the guilt comes back again! Please help my conflicted mind!


This is way too complex for me to answer in an email.  I would suggest you see a Licensed Professional Therapist in your area.  I would recommend that you keep a copy of this question to give to the therapist since it gives plenty of important background information that may be of help to the therapist.

I'm sorry I couldn't help you more.

John Silver


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Dr. John Silver


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Online Therapy and Counseling Until Midnight, specializing in Online Therapy including Office, Email, Telephone and Web Counseling, Directed by Dr. John Silver, Certified Online Therapist, Licensed Marriage, Family and Child Counselor, Certified Psychoanalyst, Certified Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT), Certified Addictions Specialist and Certified Sex Counselor offers a Free Office, Phone or Video Consultation, Free Email Advice, a Sliding Fee Scale, Same Day Appointments, Night and Weekend Hours in Los Angeles, Seattle and Virtually World Wide. ____________________________________________________________________________ Dr. Silver was classically trained in Psychoanalysis, became proficient in the modern Evidence-Based, Outcome-Measured Modalities like Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) as well as experienced in the Cutting-Edge Technology of TeleHealth. He Directed a Counseling Center for over 15 years in which he was responsible for the care of 1000s of Patients, the Training of 100s of Therapists and the Development of a recognized Clinic offering high quality services at a Low Fee; was a PsychoSocial Researcher at the RAND Corporation, Los Angeles County/USC Psychiatric and Camarillo State Hospitals; a Montessori School Psychologist; a Specialist in Child Therapy for the Los Angeles County Department of Mental Health, Reiss-Davis Child Study Center and other positions of Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy Consultation.

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