Marriage/My husband spends too much time on his computer.
Kat wrote at 2006-07-16 05:15:17
What century does this "expert" live in? I am married, have 7 year old twins and a 4 year old. I hold a Doctorate in Educational Leadership and work every bit as hard as my husband. My husband does the dishes, helps with the children, and scrubs the toilets. I am appalled at the "advice" that was offered. Many, many people are unable to survive on one income even if they lower their standard of living, clip coupons, and sew their own clothes. I suppose the "expert's" next bit insanity would be that the unfortunate woman should have married a millionaire and then she could just hire a maid.
Here is what my husband and I did. We each made a list of chores that we would be responsible for. He agreed to take the few chores that I hate (dishes, toilets) and add those to his list, and I agreed to take the few that he hates (weeding flower beds and taking out the trash) and added those to my list. Also, once the kids are in bed, we each have one hour to use as we choose. My husband like to spend time on his computer. I usually read, email friends, or exercise. After that time, we spend one hour of couple time together. I have found that once we have had a chance to decompress after long, stressful work days and engaging in our own activities we are more relaxed and enjoy our couple time much more.
Marriage is an equal partnership,even if this so-called expert believes otherwise. If both partners don't carry equal burdens, then resentments such as the one mentioned here can destroy a marriage.
By the way, I am so angry about the "pawning off her kids" comment that I cannot even comment about it on this website.
rachel wrote at 2006-10-06 21:27:08
Are you kidding me???? This isn't 1950 anymore. Husbands need to help out around the house, end of story. If he wants a mommy to pick up after him, then he should go live with her. This fool should not consider himself an expert!
Ichyknee wrote at 2007-01-05 23:14:39
R.M. FRENCH... Boy did i need a good laugh, and that is what you just did to me..thanks..warm, clean home...laughing my arse off.. for sure you are living alone or taking the piss out of this poor lady looking for answers. Keep up with your funny comments.
Cara wrote at 2007-06-28 21:50:59
I thought that I was reading a GAG column. OF COURSE a husband should contribute around the house especially when the wife is out there working full time to contribute to the home.
His expert answer was insulting, ludicrious and utterly ignorant.
Miss wrote at 2007-07-04 12:49:55
This is the biggest BS I've ever heard. My ex could not provide for our family of four on one income. He simply didn't get paid enough. I had the same problem as the woman who wrote in. I think the replier is just giving men an excuse to be lazy. If all a woman were to do is be a housewife and a man work, it is unfair to assume that a man's job should end as soon as he walks in the door, because a housewife's job never ends. Both people should work and both should share what other life responsibility's bring. My advice is leave him if he won't own up cause he's never going to change and it makes for one less person to clean up after and take care of.
Virginia wrote at 2007-12-11 05:17:38
OMG! I read this then kept looking for the part that says just kidding... What on earth is this alleged expert smoking? I make more money than my husband does, and that money is NOT to buy unnecessary things. That money goes to bills. I still end up doing the bulk of the housework, and caring for our child. If I quit my job, we would lose our humble home, and the car that gets him to his job. I am torn between laughing hysterically and crying at the thought that someone might actually take R.M. French seriously!
JB wrote at 2008-01-03 00:44:38
Perhaps the answer to RM French's absurd, damaging and dangerous response comes in her Bio on the right hand side of the screen. "I have worked as a faith-based marriage counselor...". I wonder how much distortion in her advice draws on her distored view of the world thanks to her "faith".
jane wrote at 2008-01-11 03:17:31
I think this answer was ridiculous. you can tell the answer came from a man. Why shouldn't he be helping out. Where is her free fun time. Most families need two incomes to survive, so this answer is just crazy. Both should be responsible for at home chores.
RHD wrote at 2008-05-08 00:05:25
I don't know who RM French is, but he or she should not be giving advice. I for one, have to work to pay the mortgage, car payments and the such. Many couples do in order to have a car that runs and pay all the bills. If you have kids, you have to buy diapers, shoes, etc. Very little of our combined income goes to "frivoulous things" unless you count the ocassional dinner/movie and maintenance to our home (we just replaced our carpet not a "frivolity" but the carpet was very old and dirty).
I don't know the answer for this person, but I know that RM French needs to go back to the 18th century. If you both work- you should share chores. If you are a stay at home mom, sure you will have the ability to do a little more (depending on how many/ages of your kids). If you have quadruplet babies, then no you have no time for anything else. But your husband can still share in those duties. It is overwhelming at times. He should trade places with you for one week. And, you didn't state that your husband was working on his computer- he is probably doing fantasy sports or goofing off in his spare time. good luck.
mmbluebaby wrote at 2008-09-18 02:01:58
Oh my God, this "Dear Abby" needs to get out of the stone age and welcome to the real world. Who says it is always the woman's job to not have a job and stay home with the family. The guy can do that just as well. If you and your spouse both go to work everyday, then you should both share equally in the everyday things that keep things functioning. Sounds like the hubby stops functioning unless he's at work. What is that? She might as well be married to his computer. End of story. (I am not saying a little downtime for Dad is bad, but there has to be limits to his inability to function as a husband outside of work.)
Khatiana wrote at 2009-01-04 08:23:03
I cannot believe the previous answer by R.M. French. I cannot help but wonder if this person is male. I for one understand the feeling of resentment you are having towards your husband. Many women are in great positions of work. Some women have the dominant income, which means the husband should be perfectly willing and capable of taking on this "woman's role" of caring for the house and children.
I also find the statement that most people do not need a dual income to be very one sided. I would agree with this statement for uppper middle class families with white collar jobs, but for a lower middle class family or even a lower class family, many times two incomes are absolutely necessary as minimum wages or even lower salaried jobs are not enough to cover the basic expenses of traditional living. I am not talking about luxuries here, I am talking about gasoline and electric bills, food for a family of four, and utility bills. There are families who can barely afford these necessities who do not even have enough money for cable t.v or Star Bucks or movies. Every day people who work hard to put food on the table. In these cases, yes the husband needs to step up and be a man, a real man who understands the needs of his wife and the responsibility of being a husband and father. True, in the 1950's women were kept quiet in the home and were supposed to keep their mouths shut about selfish bitter husbands, bad fathers, spousal abuse, and never to mention the word d.i.v.o.r.c.e. this kind of thinking is very backwards thinking. Women have feelings and rights and men should not be allowed to fall short as husbands and fathers simply because they bring home money, otherwise wives may as well be considered "paid" prostitutes. I think not!
I think there is nothing wrong with women working and there is no reason for your husband to tune you out of his world. You are his wife, his help mate, not his maid or secretary, or nanny. Your child deserves a father who is actively involved in her life- one who plays with her, reads to her, and loves being a father. You deserve a husband who is considerate and who is willing to make some compromises and sacrifices to better your family.
Tell your husband that you are becoming resentful, but let him now you still appreciate him as a provider. He needs to know that you love him but also that you can count on him. If he is not living up to your expectations than he needs to consider why. Tell him that you love him, and that you love being a wife and mother, but that at the end of the day you are tired and would appreciate his company (away from the computer), and that if he were to help out with your child and some housework you two would get more adult time together, which is important in a marriage.
It is absolutely necessary for you to have self respect and self worth. You are not doing anything wrong by expecting more of your husband. I'm sure you would love to sit around at the spa and go shopping and have fun, but you are at home, taking care of your family. Let him know that you matter too. That you both make sacrifices and that if you work together, you will both be happier. Maybe he will see the value in spending more time with his family.
wecollide wrote at 2009-01-09 04:54:43
I know this post is old but i just had to say something: this answer is ridiculous on so many levels. The author assumes too many things about the situation and seems very biased about gender roles. Not only do we not know what the income of one person is but, who is to say who is to be doing what by defualt in their relationship? Selfishness in any faucet of a relationship is toxic and telling a woman to quit her job so she has more time to do the dishes is not going to make a selfish person to stop acting selfish in some way and she will not only will have given up something she may enjoy doing but she is still dealing with someone who puts themselves before their family.
alicia wrote at 2009-02-12 03:18:10
you, R. M. French, are a pendejo cabron.
women have the right to work if they want to. They are not here to attend men. Also I think(and I am pretty sure, that I am right) that you have never been in a long relationship, or that you have never had a daughter, and that you are a spinster. In relationships, the man and the women, both have to help in the chores of the house, and the too, has to spend more time with his daughter.
Let me tell you something else when i was kid, my father used to spend too much time in the computer, he never looked at me when we talked and he yelled at me when i needed to use the computer for homework or such.
He got fat, way fat, with no social life, paranoic, and the only thing he had to say where negative things. I hated him, and now that i see that he did nothing for me and he did not care for me, i just stop felling things for him. i dont feel hate or love, he is nothing to me, and i just dont miss him.
my mom stayed by his side, because she did not have the courage to divorce him, or to throw him out(he did not work or help in the house) she has a good heart. but he ruined part of her life.
the boy that she had fallen in love with never existed.
So i dont think you really knew what where you talking about when you gave that answer. So before you give your opinion, go and have a steady long relationship, and I bet that no women will WANT to stay by your side with your kind of mentality cabron.
Meowia wrote at 2009-02-20 17:40:29
I had the same problem about my husband spending too much time playing computer game and not helping out the house chores even when he is on vacation. So I searched google for a possible answer, then I came across this post. As I was reading along the so-called marriage counselor's advice, I couldn't believe what I saw! Oh man this is just ridiculous! I just truely hope that no woman would ever take this BS seriously and ruin her life!
J JERMANY wrote at 2009-09-21 09:29:42
I AM SHOCKED AT THE ANSWER GIVEN AS YOU SAY ROLES HAVE CHANGED OVER THE YEARS BUT YOU MY FREIND ARE CLEARLY A MAN WHO HAS RESPONDED TO THIS IM DIGUSTED WITH YOUR REPLY AND IF YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE ANY KIND OF PERSON TO BE GIVING ADVICE I CLEARLY SUGGEST YOU CHECK YOUR CRITERIA A LITTLE CLEARER,AGREED AS YOU SAY TIMES HAVE CHANGED WE HAVE EVOLVED YOU UNFORTUNATLY SEEMED TO HAVE BEEN ELSE WHERE WHEN THAT TOOK PLACE ... REGARDS FROM A VERY ANGRY J JERMANY !!!!!!
elle wrote at 2009-11-04 01:09:03
That is well and good if the husband is fine with that. But there are many husbands who expect the wife to work and to do all the traditional women duties. The fact is, if both people work then both people should also be responsible for chores - and whether it's a traditional arrangement or not child rearing is half the father's job as much as the mother's. He should not be spending every minute on the PC, but some time interacting and being a father to his child and a husband to his wife. My advice would be to ask your husband if you can quit your job. If he says no, then let him know since you both work you both should be responsible for house duties and he needs to do his fair share.
Honeybee wrote at 2010-02-04 00:38:18
Top this one: I have two jobs and one involves lifting, bending, and standing on my feet all day. Last night, after doing this job for 10 hours and 41 minutes then, driving home; Hubby says "Aren't you cooking tonight?"
I had called earlier & asked him to heat some leftovers - I am a really good cook so, there's LOTS of good food that he could've heated up. The pantry & fridge were full. This happens a lot! I'm cooking at 10:00 at night which SUCKS. Before this job, I produced a radio show that began at 4am & I got up at 2am. Then took quick nap and went to the "standing & lifting" job. Still it's "What's For Dinner, Honey?" when all I want is a bowl of cereal and the bed!
Hubby spends all his free time on the computer; and I know (yes I'm the IT girl around here so) I KNOW that he's jist looking at sports clips and music collectible websites, but he spends HOURS on the Net.
I love this guy, what can I do to wake him up?? This ain't 1950, when his Mom stayed home with the kids and spent the day in the kitchen.
I can't be Roz (from the old Frazier sitcom) and Martha Stewart at the same time....let's hear your take on this dilemma. Again, this is a GREAT dude - I just need to fix this one thing. Thanks, all!
Dead Tired in Houston
Successful female and proud! wrote at 2010-02-12 13:39:07
Message to RM French,
I can't believe how disgustingly sexist and antiquated your opinion of a female's role in society is. If women were not "required" to work, it would not be necessary to educate us. It would not be obligatory for us to be schooled and men would not be taught home economics.
I am 22. I am married. My husband and I paid a significant amount each towards the deposit on our house, however I pay the mortgage and the bills. My husband pays for our food shopping, clothes and other necessities. He is self employed and so a regular income is not guaranteed. Therefore it would in fact be impossible for us to manage on one salary.
While we currently don't have children, we will at some point and I feel that allowing my child to attend nursery will be beneficial and should not be considered as "palming them off".
Perhaps my children one day attending nursery will develop their social skills so they are no bigoted idiots with no understanding of equal rights and shared responsibilities like yourself.
If you can't give advice without sounding like a chauvinistic pig don't give it.
C Petruzzelli wrote at 2010-04-13 17:32:19
What kind of response is that?
Gender roles we created by man many years ago. They've been, for many years, broken by women and men who disagree with gender roles.
The actual response to this should be, "You either man up and help out or get out."
Palanca wrote at 2010-05-07 03:01:59
Well French is probably a man! And the question was not answered...remember the too much time in computer thing? How about the fact that nowadays "luxuries" is not necessaryly the reason for a woman to work it sometimes means security and safety to afford security system in the house so when u r sleeping u don't get robbed or violated or if you r away etc, how about a woman wants to help her husbands burden of having to provide for the fam because she doesn't think it has to be all on him, W all due respect French you are narrow minded! Specially in 2010!
T Spence wrote at 2010-07-22 02:50:59
I understand your answer, however, she may be in a situation where her husband requires her to work outside the home. I know that if I wanted to quit my job, my husband would not like it. He thinks that I should provide an income as well. And, I handle all the household chores as well. So, I would not be too hard on that lady until you know all the facts surrounding why she is working outside the home.
Ellie wrote at 2010-10-18 14:17:57
wow. What planet are you on R.M French?!!! I personally have an earning ability of more than double that of my husband and no - we couldn't cope without my income.
As for the original question - foot needs to be firmly placed on ground and not moved. Take the computer away if necessary tell him that it's not an 'option' to stop spending all this time on the computer but that he WILL as it is hurting you...
Soniarhea wrote at 2010-11-03 13:07:00
Where is it that you came from anyway? If I wanned that kind of advice I'd talk to my great great grandparents.....
ticked off wrote at 2010-12-04 19:24:45
that answer is absolutely the most horrible advice i have ever heard. you need to keep your ideas to yourself if they are all barbaric like that. times are changing, and your answer is old and outdated. your are laughable. how dare you criticize her.
Hokey wrote at 2011-01-07 23:40:06
To all of you that are complaining that this must be a man... you should read everything before you snap to a judgment. On the right side of the page it says Mrs. R. M. French...
cresskil wrote at 2011-03-14 22:04:22
Shame on you RM French because women like you are the ones which make other women's lives miserable. Men should help around the house and kids whether their wives work or not.PERIOD. The reason being that in the real world if the two get divorced the man will still have to work and take care of the kids once by himself. then why can't he do the same things when together. Also while I do believe that kids should spend more time with their parents, today's mechanical society does not really allow that to happen.It should be the woman's right to work or otherwise.Plus the retarded stuation that u talk about is more suitable for a society other than ours. All over the globe especially even in third world countries mother have a lot of help availale from family, maids and friends. Sometimes their moms, friends and nannies are raising their kids even when they are not working. So please refrain from making fake make believe statements which are far from reality.
madwyn wrote at 2011-03-22 01:43:23
Oh my god what century are you from??? This bullshit..... I mean really. It is the 21 t. century........
LB wrote at 2011-09-05 06:23:05
I think you didn't address the real issue here. She is not complaining that he goes to work she has no help around the house only.
She is complaining that he spends too much time in front of a computer. The bottom line is that this woman and kids needs him to be more present, involved and the resentment she has is for him to be trading his family for a computer all the time! Read the question again!
BL wrote at 2011-09-05 06:29:59
Adding a little bit more to your answer.
How can a family leave in a salary of $60000 a year, after taxes? Have you tried to do that? How about if the woman makes more money than husband? If you tell him you will stop working because he is lazy, doesn't make enough and spend all his spar time in front of a computer do you really thing he will agree and will resolve their issues?
I can't believe I read such answer here?
Happy wrote at 2012-02-21 22:48:52
You know I have pretty traditional views of what a home should look like, and given that, I agree that wives should not resent their roles in the family. However I find that this answer has not addressed the question in a complete manner. The problem is most likely not only be with the woman. Her husband may indeed be spending too much time on the computer aside from his normal duties like work. I would advocate for asking the guy to be more present with his family and to limit his time on the computer (while not entirely eliminating it). Everyone deserves to have down time and hobbies and the like, but people really do suffer when husbands and dads disappear or are distant. If real change does not happen after communicating about it, then the issue should be taken up with a pastor or counselor. People usually have to want to change their habits so nagging is rarely effective.
ladywolf wrote at 2012-06-07 10:01:56
I do not agree with the answer that was given here. I think you need to explain to your husband that he is expected to do more than just go to work. Since you are working too it's only fair he will do half of the house work. This is not the 1960's in this day and age people cannot afford to live only on 1 salary. Look in my case I am soon to be a doctor...my husband would never achieve such a high salary as I can so what should we live on his tiny little salary when we can live on a decent salary? I am sick and tired of people pulling the old barefoot and pregnant thing and men have to work...this is the 21st century and men and women are equal!!! Tell your husband to get a hold of himself and start appreciating you and do his share!
Lunazen wrote at 2012-08-11 04:24:37
Wow, R.M. French. Get with the now, ok? Women work, not only to purchase unnecessary things, to to feel fulfilled. Working is not just about the paycheck but about feeling useful, needed, intelligent, productive. No matter which way you sling it, housework is NOT fulfilling, requires no intelligence, and is not productive. Tomorrow, the thing you did yesterday needs to be done again, And again. And again. Why should this NOT be the responsibility of both working individuals?
And, lest you assume I am speaking for working moms as a working mom, I've been a stay at homer mother (and homeschooling to boot) for 21 years. The parenting is fulfilling. The rest of the drudgery is not. I say her lazy husband gets off his tail and helps fulfill his non-monetary obligations in his home.
Katie wrote at 2012-11-29 04:10:10
This is the most ridiculous 1950's statement I have ever read! It is NOT the woman's role to cook, clear, and child-rear. It is the family's role. Who wrote this? Seriously the most backwards way of thinking. MOST women have to work. We could not live on my husband's salary alone. And we don't buy unnecessary "things".
MrsG wrote at 2016-07-04 21:57:32
Is this person actually a troll? Expert? Seriously?
The cost of living in my house swallows up almost one wage - rent, gas, electricity and water - more than £1k gone. That's my wage. If I can somehow find a way of living off thin air your advice would definitely come in useful.
Jessica wrote at 2017-01-27 06:13:57
Asking your husband to take care of his own children is not "pawning" them off! Please never give anyone advice again! Why shouldn't the husband stay at home and the mother work if only one person is apparently allowed to work in your view? This is shocking, sexist, and bad advice! Also even if she were a stay at home mom, that and caring for the home is a job in itself so why should she continue to work after her traditional shift has ended while the husband gets to veg out in front of the computer and have some "me" time? I'm so very glad to see from the comments that people know better than to believe the sort of nonsense in your response.