Mastering Anger/Instead of crying I get mad
I'm a 28 yr old female. Long past history of emotional abuse from my father until I was about 17-18 yrs old.
He took his anger out on me my whole childhood, yelling for no reason. Later when I was 14-15 yrs old, I tried committing suicide and cutting a lot, they sent me to a psychiatrist and he actually said there was nothing wrong with me and started seeing my dad instead and put him on medication for bi-polar disorder. Anytime I would get yelled at, I would cry. Then after 17-18 yrs old I started cutting and abusing myself physically anytime I would get yelled at. I then got sick of doing that and decided to yell back at him once. Then I had a bf who cheated on me regularly and treated me poorly and I would start yelling at him instead of crying anytime I would get yelled at.
Now the problem is, anytime I feel the slightest bit stressed/threatened (usually in arguments) I start yelling at him, meanly! He doesn't deserved being yelled at, cause I am starting to see he is yelling back (when he's a very calm and passive person) so I feel like my anger is turning his passive nature to evil anger.
Currently (last month) I'm starting to take my anger out on myself physically, again, instead of yelling at him, cause I really don't want to, even if he's making me really mad. Then I get into the vicious cycle of anger, rage, depression because I hate doing both but I'd rather punish myself than him (who doesn't deserve it).
How can I stop the yelling and anger? I NEVER fought with friends or my mom, I was always the passive quiet one.
I can tell you're having a rough time, and that you really don't like your anger. I can also tell that you're a good person, and that's why you don't want to hurt your boyfriend...and I think you asked your question here because you don't like hurting yourself either.
While I'm aware that you may need more help than I can provide here in my answer, I'm going to offer some things you can do which might very well help you to manage your anger better and heal emotionally.
The first priority is for you to work on healing your own emotional pain from a history of abuse. Simultaneously with that, you can begin journaling from and about your anger on a regular basis, which will give it a "safe" place to go, and hopefully keep you from hurting yourself or anyone else with it. Then, when you're starting to feel some relief and healing, you will need to start shifting your mental focus to what is good, right and working about you, your life, and the people around you.
You will find a detailed process outlined for you on this web page
, which is perfectly designed to help a good person like you to heal and manage your anger more successfully.
This is not a quick or easy fix, Kris. There aren't any. However, these tools will help you if you use them regularly enough to become skilled with them. You may need professional counseling also, that's for you to decide.
I have a strong feeling that you can do this. In reading your question, I get the sense of a good and intelligent person who wants to live a good, healthy life while treating yourself and others with respect.
My very best to you,