Mastering Anger/SICK AND TIRED

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QUESTION: I was wondering would please tell me: is it a fact that people get pissed off or angry by not answering wot you ask them?

(P.S would you please try to give your answer is a easy way that I can understand)
Thanks

ANSWER: Hi, Cameron,

Thanks for your question. I am not totally sure I understand what you are asking. I'm going to answer what I think you're asking. It I don't get it correctly, however, please write again to clarify.

Perhaps you are asking whether the way people deal with their anger at you is by not answering questions you ask them. If so, my response is that people can get angry about almost anything. Withdrawing (not responding) is one way people deal with angry feelings. It's a frustrating way, because there is no possibility of working anything out, so that you can come to a new place in your relationship.

Anger occurs when a person has and idea or picture of how things are "supposed to be" in this world. They usually tell you about their idea in "shoulds". Either you "should" do something (in their opinion), and you don't.....and they get angry.  Or, you "should not" do something (in their opinion), and you do it....and they get angry. Their getting angry is more about THEM than about you, although most people tend to say "You made me angry when...." Truthfully, the statement would be "I felt angry when you....."  

Let me know if this is helpful for your question. If it is not, see if you can describe to me what has occurred that you are puzzled about. Then I will have a clearer idea.

Thanks!

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: What I mean by my question was, when ever I ask my friend a question he will not answer it, instead he will talk about other stuff and that makes me angury.

E.g he might ask me are u going out to day? So I will no I'm not, why do u want to know? and then he will just talk about something else

hope this helps

Answer
Cameron,

I did not receive this follow-up question. Please accept my apology for not responding earlier.

It's very difficult to tell the motivation of another person, unless that person tells you what their motivation is.

It's understandable that you would be angry in such a situation, because when your friend avoids answering your question, the net result is that you're given the message that what's important to you doesn't matter. More than angering, it's hurtful for most people.

Some people engage in what is known as "irrelevant" conversation. Instead of sticking to the topic, they talk about "off the wall" things that don't really matter. Your friend could be this type of communicator. It's a way to keep things from getting to intense or personal.

It's also possible your friend doesn't want to answer your questions. There could be something he doesn't like about you asking questions, such as you asking too many questions (for him), asking things he doesn't want to answer, or asking questions instead of figuring things out for yourself. The first place to look, then, is at your own behavior when you communicate. If you change something there (as long as it's something you WANT to change), you may get a different response from your friend.

He also could be a person who just doesn't like to talk very much, and instead of telling you that, he behaves in the ways that he does and expects you to take the "hint".

Overall, the question arises: Is this person really a friend? Friends generally want their companions to feel great, enjoy their company, and have a good time. What you describe here doesn't sound like that, does it?

My best,

Ilene

Mastering Anger

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Ilene L. Dillon, M.S.W.

Expertise

As a "Recovering Angry Person" and psychotherapist, I have thoroughly explored Anger and its related emotions, hurt, fear, depression and guilt. I'll give a free half-hour of coaching to anyone who can ask me a question I cannot address!

Experience

36 years as a family, individual and group psychotherapist. 15 years of teaching for California Probation Officers and Psychotherapists. Author of "Exploring Anger with Your Child" (now "The ABCs of Anger in its updated version). Personal, clinical and group work with anger, including in the parenting arena.

Organizations
C.A.M.F.T. (California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists) N.S.A. (National Speakers Association) Professional Member since 1984

Publications
Magazines: Woman's Day, Personal Excellence, Care Notes Newspapers: Marin Independent Journal, The FAX, San Francisco Chronicle, in-house publications for therapy organizations Books and CDs: Total of 17 published works (www.emotionalpro.com/)

Education/Credentials
M.S.W. from University of California in Berkeley Two California Licenses: Marriage and Family Therapist and Clinical Social Worker Lifetime Jr. College Instructor License in California Host of Internet radio program (since 2004)Full Power Living, focused on "awakening the world to the power and importance of human emotions" http://www.emotionalpro.com/

Past/Present Clients
Write me for a partial list; or look on my web site, www.emotionalpro.com/

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