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About David Carney
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This information is intended for adults. Please do not submit a question if you are under age 18. I can answer a variety of questions about masturbation for both males and females: When an individual is beginning to masturbate(especially females), there can be so many questions and some just need a few tips to get started. I also address special interest topics such as 'how can I make it feel better when I masturbate?', body movement and sounds that happen during masturbation, prolonged masturbation, extending the plateau phase, multiple orgasm, and improving intensity of orgasm. Dont be apprehensive about asking what you need to know. Recent statistics show that 75% of women and almost 100% of men masturbate by their 18th birthday. Masturbating is a normal part of growing and the experiences can be stimulating , refreshing, and satisfying for both males and females.

Experience

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I have been privileged to help both women and men via email and instant messaging
Masturbating is beneficial for both sexes. Females have more to gain from it than males. During masturbation females learn what it takes to satisfy their urges and cravings and find the sexual release their body needs. I have helped many young ladies achieve their first orgasm. One middle-age woman who was not sure she had ever experienced an orgasm, began to masturbate to orgasm 2 to 4 times a week after we worked together for about 2 months. Another woman experienced her first episode of multiple orgasm as she experimented with the exercises and assignments given her. Some have been helped to build up to more intensely satisfying orgasms, or simply to make it feel better, to learn to get extreme sexual pleasure during their time of relaxing and personal enjoyment, even if there is no orgasm; its OK. Maybe I can help you make it feel good. Let me try.

You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Sexuality > Masturbation > emotional connections to orgasms

Masturbation - emotional connections to orgasms

Expert: David Carney - 10/31/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hey David, I am 20 I have been masturbating since I was like 10 and have always been very in tune with sex, growing up sneaking and porn and imitating what i saw.I always considered myself more advanced i actually went through a stage where i was convinced i was going to be a porn star. I was exposed to sex a lot growing up and became sexually active too young and am completely comfortable talking about sex. Also when i was 11 an older man (21) took advantage of my "need for male attention". I didn't know it was wrong, at the time i took it as a compliment that an attractive older guy was paying attention to me and went on to have my first kiss and so forth all within a day of knowing this man. My family still doesn't know and I didn't think it was 'bad' until i told my first real boyfriend who made me see that it was wrong and it isn't supposed to be that way.
I have been with different men but only 1 has been able to make me squirt (I cant even make myself squirt). We were together for 3 years. I had no idea what was happening when it happened the first time, i thought i had peed and was so embarrassed. He can only make me squirt (which isn't as much of a release to me) but when it happens I am not in control I cant even think about what i was thinking about at the time. its like this one position hits my G spot and my body does its own thing. When I masturbate I use a combination of clitoral stimulation with a tiny bit of insertion simultaneously and end up having like a vaginal muscle spasm within 30 seconds. Afterwards I'm breathing heavy and most of the times laying on my stomach still wearing clothes and usually end up falling asleep afterwards I get urges throughout the day, my pants will rub me or I'll just be sexually curious and read stuff online and get aroused. I think about sexual things while I'm masturbating that i always thought were normal but apparently not all women think about forcefully having sex or 'kinky' things such as being tied up and getting talked dirty to, or taking advantage of,to get themselves off. would you say that the reason why thinking about this type of behavior makes me aroused because of my childhood experience? Or am I just a "freak" that needs strong emotional connection to have an orgasm? My new boyfriend has suggested that i may have a mental block which is not allowing myself to orgasm...is this possible?? would you say i have a "healthy" sex drive?? i love your answers!! thanks alot

ANSWER: Hello Sarah,
I enjoyed reading your quetion. And thanks for the sweet comment. Is there any particular answer you enjoyed?

So were you able to get orgasms when you were around 10? Your sex drive is interesting. Your childhood experience probably does play into your arousal and your sexual thoughts. And let's get one things straight honey, you are not a freak. You are a young woman with needs and you have learned some ways to get your needs met and you are still exploring to have more complete sexual release. I commend you for that. Thank you for your explicit explanation of your sexual activities and the responses you feel in your body.

You mentioned being kissed when you were 11. Did it go further than that? Do these early experiences bother you now? If they dont, then that is wonderful and I'm not trying to dredge anything up. Its just that if they do bother you, you might want to explore your memeries. You may come op with some answers toyour difficulty getting a satisfying orgasm now. I think thats's waht I saw in your comments.

Did I understand you correctly? Do you not feel satisfied after you vaginal spasm. You said your pants rub on you later and then you get aroused thru the day. Are you wanting to have a more intense orgasm with satisfying feeling of complete release from your sexual tension?

Please tell me more about the need you feel and also about your masturbating. Do you have good satisfying orgasms when you have sexual intercourse or oral sex? How often do you masturbate, and how often do you have sex with a parner? You seem willing to communicate openly and I apprecitate that. Tell me as much as you can. I assure you , some of us will benefit from everything you say.

Thank you again Sarah. Do you sometimes masturbate without your clothes on? Do you sometimes rub beside your clit or directly on it? And what about toys? You are very sexy, and I think you probably enjoy sex more than most women.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for getting back to me, I just enjoy the general way that you answer women, as if you are genuinely concerned and want to help in any way possible and I appreciate that, it is very comforting. As for liking what I wrote, I hope you meant that because I have a lot more to say now.

Maybe masturbating was the wrong term for what I was doing at 10. I would play with myself, I knew that it felt good, I first experimented with an electric toothbrush around the same time, but I don't think I would actually have an orgasm. I would fantasize about being with a partner and being a "damsel in distress" and what they would do to me, but I can't remember my first orgasm probably because I didn't know what it was.It may have been happening but at that age I didn't even know women could orgasm, I just knew it felt cool and that pretty sexy mature women did those types of things and that was how I wanted to be.

I have always tried to be more mature, doing whatever i thought made me that way. When I was 11 I was visiting long distant cousins out of state for the holidays. My oldest cousin had a friend over that was about to turn 22 so there was alcohol in the house full of 5 others that were underage. I believe I was the youngest and the only one not drinking but before they got alcohol this guy was teasing me and tickling me throughout the night and I thought he was cool. To me I was excited,it felt as if I was accomplishing what I had been trying which was being more mature than I actually was and 'fitting in'. We would be left alone in a room and he would come on to me which at first I was against, I had no idea what I was doing or who he was really but I was gullible and he convinced me to trust him (he knew how old I was...just turned 11). Whenever people left the room he would start kissing me and sneaking around telling me how amazing I was and so forth.

By the end of the night, which was all of being around him for a total of 9 hours maybe, no one suspected anything and we all went to pass out in the same room which was a very large bedroom with 2 people in bunk beds and 4 on the floor. (I know I may be going into extreme detail, maybe unnecessary, but I feel like it helps me to tell someone.) We were on complete opposite sides of the room on the floor with 2 people in between us and I was fully satisfied with not going any farther, I had my first kiss/make out session and it was exciting and the night was over, sex was never in my head at all. I think everyone was asleep or passed out drunk and I was almost asleep when he got up to use the restroom I think. When he came back in the room he came over to my side, woke me up and started kissing me and laying with me, which I didn't mind I thought that was romantic (like I knew what romance was). We stayed there for awhile but I think he started getting paranoid that one of them would see him so he pulled me into another room where things went further. I never touched his penis or even saw it but he was all over me, I was just laying there trying to put pieces together figure out if I liked what was happening or not. Sex was mentioned, I could have said no, I didn't know anything about having sex, but I didn't want to disappoint him, so instead all I did was ask him if I would get pregnant. I am still not 100% positive if he actually went inside me or not, like he had a really hard time getting it in but I think he did at least the tip anyways. He gave me oral I'm assuming because I wasn't wet and then in like 20 minutes it was over. We stayed up talking for like 20 minutes then he went to his side of the room and I went to mine.

The next day he was supposed to go to some group thing we were all doing but didn't and left, didn't say really anything to me. I felt really bad that day like physically in pain. I felt like I had the worst hangover but i wasn't even drinking, I felt sick to me stomach headache body ache. I thought I was cool, "no 11 year old ever got that chance to do what I did". I feel like now it is effecting me. I get turned on when I'm doing things I shouldn't be doing sexually, , such as masturbating at work, in my car, or sneaking around with a guy in public, dating when I wasn't allowed, dating older men even though my parents didn't approve or it was against the law. Making out with someone that has been drinking and being able to taste the alcohol off their breath drives me crazy. Just reminiscing on this entire thing has turned me on.

I do not like what happened, I would take it all back, I feel as if he took advantage of me and robbed me of one of the most important experiences a women can remember...mine has to be a negative one and then I never saw him again. I try not to look at things this way, but I cant help but wonder if this event changed me, or if no matter what happened I would still be writing you asking how to orgasm with a partner.

When I masturbate, the only way I know how to describe it is like shoving my clit into my vagina, i get clitoral stimulation with a little bit of a tease with intercourse. I can do this with my little vibrator as well although I try not to use toys for an extended amount of time, I go numb then it is not possible. I get most turned on when I am making out with someone as he is rubbing me over my clothes and on my neck an ears. It is harder for me to come to orgasm laying on my back, in bed, butt naked I could get it but it is a lot harder. When I lay on my stomach, if I'm naked I'll have a cover over me, just something to make me feel not alone. Laying on my stomach, I have something putting pressure against my chest and neck and face giving me the illusion that i have someone underneath me or behind me on top ( that is my theory anyways) I tend to have my face in the pillow and find that i naturally hold my breath, or stop breathing I can feel my pulse all the way down to my toes, my abs tense up and then after wards I breath very heavily when I'm there. I can bring myself to that vagina muscle spasm with in 30 seconds. i get wet afterwords but it isn't a substantial amount and I wear myself out but it isn't necessarily fully satisfying. I would say I can do this 5 times within 45 minutes before my clit is numb and I'm about to pass out. Therefore I would say this is a tease in a way. It satisfies my urges to a certain extent but I have to keep going.

I have never had an orgasm to oral sex, it feels really good, my knees started to twitch and I want it really bad but it just never happens so it is also another tease. It turns me on knowing that something I am doing makes a man want me sexually right then and there to bend me over or whatever. If I am just laying there I am not really doing anything, he is trying to pleasure me. I get more turned on if I am giving him oral with his hands on my head. Is there a different way I can look at this, maybe a different point of view that I can take to allow oral that is preformed on me to bring me to orgasm? Or am is that a lost hope?

I don't mind being teased, it just allows it to be even more satisfying when I do get it inside of me. I masturbate at least once every day sometimes even on the same day as I am with a partner or several times a day. I have masturbated after sex before, to relieve a sense of pressure or if I'm tired an cannot sleep. When I am in a relationship, my partner and I would have sex at the very least twice a week (which is not a lot for me). But it isn't because I am not horny it is more like I am tired of working myself up to have sex constantly and never orgasm it can be very frustrating so naturally sex starts to be less appealing and discouraging so we'll hold off for a few weeks, I wont masturbate during this time so it becomes more appealing to me but still this ends up being a torturous cycle.

That relationship is over and I have seen someone new,older, more experienced which has started my entire investigation. He knew what he was doing but I STILL could not orgasm. I am under the impression there are different types of orgasms, (correct me if I am wrong), the squirting orgasms and the muscle squeezing spasms like the ones I can give myself. I know I am capable of squirting. Is it true that not all women are? But I cannot make myself do it, how can I expect someone else to make me squirt if I cant even tell them what to do to make it happen. But forgetting that concept I cant even have a muscle orgasm which in my opinion is harder to get than the squirting one. I can tell if a squirting orgasm is close, I get really hot and it feels like I get more wet but then it stops and never fully delivers. I have had the muscle one in a couple different positions, laying on my stomach with my legs closed as i rub myself or if I'm on top his pelvic bone area rubs my clit for me.

How can i have more control over my orgasms and cum when I want to? I would like to learn how to make myself squirt so I can coach a partner the way. What are your thoughts on piercings down there? Would the help with sensitivity? I hope your still reading and thank you for doing this, it is a great thing! I hope you can help me and you enjoyed my story.

Answer
Thank you Sarah. You are a wonderful young woman. And you did a gret job of opening up. I read every word.

I agree that it helps you to discuss these things. You still think of them and you wonder if they are affecting you. Dont feel bad about writing too much. I am concerned and will do what I can to help. The very least I can do is read your thoughts and assure you I think along with you as I read. Will you send another response and mark it private. I do have some more comments.

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