Hello there, I didnt quite know in which section i should post this so hoping you can help. firstly a background on myself I'm a 29 year old male who has a two year old girl with my now very much so ex-partner. Where to start two years ago the girl i was seeing fell pregnant and although we were not in an actual relationship at the time upon hearing the news we decided that we needed to at least try and be a family, so we moved in together and prepared for the pregnancy to reach full term. I worked 60 plus hours a week in order to try and keep our heads above water and because my ex had made it very clear that the house we were living in was not good enough and she wanted more for our child as did i during this time i made a few mistakes which i except full responsibility for we were arguing a great deal and i went out when she was overdue i over indulged in drink and ended up very drunk something i should not have done and i accept that, this created even more strain on our relationship and after my little girl was born and six months old i decided that i could take no more of working all the time to be told its not enough criticized for not being at home and constant arguing i made the heart wrenching decision to leave knowing that in doing so i would not see my little girl everyday. Since then i have had nothing short of hell i have payed more than the allocated child support every week since i left i buy her things when i can and help out with money when i can i still work 60 hours a week but now i do 13 hour nightshifts. I have my little girl every weekend without fail and see her as much as i can during the week in between sleeping i have little or no social life but i constantly get accused of not loving my daughter or not doing enough for her and threats of me being denied access. Me and my ex partner get on fine for a time untill i either a ask if i could have her a different day on the weekend as there is something id like to attend then i get told that i dont put my daughter first when im merely asking if its at all possible im slowly losing my friends as i have no free time in between work and my daughter and when a social event comes up and i ask to swap days i get the same abuse from my ex partner. Iam regularly told im a pathetic excuse for a a father which hurts a great deal as my own father left before i was born and i have never met him im also told that my daughter would be better off if i was dead. A few weeks back i was out with my niece and my daughter my niece who is ten asked if she could push the pushchair i saw no reason why not unfortunately whilst doing so she tripped taking the pushcahir down with hair and leaving my little girl with a cut on her head and lip, my niece was hysterical crying and sobbing and saying sorry i saw it as an accident and they happen,my niece begged me not to tell my daughters mum as she fears her and did not want to get shouted at after seeing how upset she was i thought it unneeded to make her feel any worse.When my ex asked me what happened i told her that she fell and left it at that i should not have lied i admit that but i had her cheked out at the emrgency room and all was fine and my actions were to save what i considered more unneeded anguish for my niece, my ex somehow found out the truth and now tells me she cannot trust me with our daughter and quite frankly its killing me what do i do.
I've struggled with what to recommend to you. Your daughter's mother is certainly not the first woman to get pregnant to trap a man. So many women use a child to control a man. It's a very sad and common situation in which I think really ends up leaving the child feeling like they are responsible for their father's unhappiness, or learn by example and repeat the control issues another generation. The reality is, if it weren't for your daughter, you'd be long gone, and I'm sure on some level your ex partner knows this and resents it, but doesn't change herself.
My thoughts here, and I'm not sure what country you are in, so this is not legal advice, just a motherly recommendation. The visitation is in writing, I presume. If not it needs to be. So, if there is any breach of that agreement, simply tell her, it will go back to court. Now, here's the straight out truth. You will have to decide what you are going to do.
You are the father, and the woman you chose to have sex with is your daughter's mother. You can continue to kowtow to her demands for your daughter's childhood, or you can make it simply a legal court documented agreement, and nothing more. For the rest of your daughter's childhood, it will either be you attempting to personally accommodate her mother, or a court ordered legal agreement. It doesn't sound like there's much room for anything in between. Most courts do not want a child to miss out on either parent in their life, so as long as there is no abuse, there'd be no reason for you to not have your visitation. Now, here's the other thing I'd recommend. Once you make up your mind as to how you will proceed, be ready to take it to court.
Have the visitation arrangements made that you do have some time to have a social life. The fact that your ex has a "baby sitter" every week-end is unacceptable. I think every other week-end with a day or evening in the week makes more sense for the child and for the people involved to move on. That's where your ex is having difficulties. She doesn't want you to move on . . . Your daughter has a Daddy that loves her, there's nothing wrong with taking a stand and setting an example of the kind of man you would hope she would respect as an adult.
I wish you well and I'm sorry for what you are going through.