Mexican Culture/Mexican-American Long Distance Relationship
miller2k wrote at 2007-01-27 05:05:13
As an American man living in Mexico for almost 8 years now, I'd just like to add my 2 cents to this discussion.
Among the many good and bad characteristics of the Mexican man, one of them sticks out the most: Insecurity. For whatever reason, the Mexican man is a very insecure person. This insecurity makes him act in very distinct ways when it comes to relationships in general and ,in your case, the long-distance relationship in particular. There are 2 reasons you're boyfriend acts the way he does:
1)Many Mexicans think that us Americans are all jumping into bed with one another. Maybe he feels that by limiting your access to other Americans, that maybe you will be faithful to him.
2)It is very important for the Mexican, especially the Mexican man, to avoid being humiliated and to be able to "save face." By being demanding of you, he can feel like he has some control over the relationship, eventhough you are out of his grasp, so to speak. I've seen many Mexican men express great frustration when they have entered into a relationship with an American woman. The independence of the American woman makes an already insecure man feel completely irrelevant; if you can't control, then you have no value as a man.
So, basically it comes down to his desire to dominate the relationship with his masculinity, the way he was taught things HAD to be. He doesn't want to feel like less of a man for "allowing" his woman, especially a "liberal" American woman, to do whatever she wants. Of course, this is a generalization. There are many man not like this, but I'm just giving you an opinion based on my time living in Mexico and the hundreds of relationships that I've seen here.
And with regards to the question of him being faithful to you? Well, I have known dozens upon dozens of married men throught Mexico. All of them either cheat on their wives or have cheated on them in the past. This goes along with the insecurity issue- they are constantly trying to prove that they are men by conquering as many women as possible. Again, a generalization, but a loyal husband here in Mexico is more the exception than the norm.
Don't take this response as a slam on the Mexican man. There are many good and admirable aspects to the Mexican people and culture (more positive than negative), I just thought I'd address the reason why your boyfriend may act the way he acts.
Thanks for listening.
jem002 wrote at 2008-01-24 04:39:23
When I was younger I used to make concessions based on culture. However, at one point I was making excuses for some Mexican people (they didn't like the food that was prepared for them) and a Mexican man set me straight: "Rude is rude." Many Mexican women will no longer tolerate controlling machista men and I wouldn't classify all Mexican men based on the behavior of your boyfriend.
The people that responded previously both made excellent points. I guess it comes down to what kind of relationship and future you want for yourself.
I married a man from South America and there have been many differences. For example, he grew up paying by the minute to use a phone so making phone calls wasn't a natural thing - however, communication is a good thing - especially if your going to be late! He doesn't like that American sit in front of the TV at meal time - we have dinner at the dining table with the family. It's nice. Cmpromises can be reached and people can learn. We have been together nearly 20 years and have three children together. He helps with the kids, cleans house, prepares meals... like any partner/husband would do.
While some minor habits can be changed, its really hard to change personal traits such as jealousy and a desire to control. This is true whether your boyfriend is Mexican, American, or any other culture. Mexican men do excel more than American men in sweet-talking, but don't be fooled. Mas vale ser tratado con amor que escuchar las lindas palabras de "amor".
edgar wrote at 2008-01-29 18:31:17
Hola jennifer i am mexican and ahve a canadian girlfriend..
perdona por esciribr en español pero no se escribir en ingles solo lo entiendo al hablar pero todavia no se como escribir,,
tu caso es dificil , y lo se por que en algunas veces he tenido peleas con mi novia por razones similares, tanto los estanos unidos de america como canada son paises de mente muy abierta, y mexico apenas avanza en ese sentido , algunso hombres creen que para una mujer es peligroso andar en la calle tarde porque en mexico como tu sabes existen ciudades muy peligrosas y es comun que por la noche les pasen cosas malas a las mujeres .
tambien creo tienes duda sobre si tu novio quiere utilizarte para ir al extranjero, quiero contarte algo si tu novio estudia o tiene estudios universitarios no le conviene ir a vivir al extranjero ya que dificilmente le pueden hacer validos sus conocimientos, otra cosa es el hecho de que sus posibilidades laborales se reducirian a trabajos no bien posicionados, si un mexicano gana menos de 800 dolares al mes en su pais , es claro que va a querer ir a vivir al estranjero cueste lo que cueste a cualquier precio, pero si gana mas de 1000 no es practico ya que la vida en mexico es muy barata y aunque para ustedes 1500 dolares es poco, en mexico es suficiente para vivir ,, aqui mi consejo es en general que si no quieren problemas mejor no tengan novios latinos y si los tienen .. traten de llegar aun acuerdo mutuo,, suerte
lidiana wrote at 2008-07-23 19:37:38
I agree with the last answer you received. I was born and raised in the United States, I married a mexican man. I now regret this. We were together 3 years before we were married and he loved that I was independent, but once married I became his possession. He was never violent or treated me badly. We had to be separated for 14 months, due to immigration process and during that time he cheated on me and he now wonders why I can't get over it. During our separation I was told not to leave or go out while he was not here but he did not follow the same guidelines. They see things very differently. Once he returned, we lasted only about one month, we have been separated nine months now and it's not getting better. I'm now looking at Divorce, he doesn't see that we have any problems, if I would only be a "good wife"
earth wrote at 2008-12-03 20:19:35
I agree with Miller2k 100%.
I have been involved in a relationship (first locally then long-distance) with a mexican man for about 6 years (off and on due to cultural issues).
He has shown signs of insecurity, extrem jealousy, possessiveness and will lie to "tell me what I want to hear" and cheat to get what he wants if he feels there is no other way.
However, he has been very loyal, committed, a friend, good listener, caring, there for me, persistent, compassionate, fun, happy, and a positive thinker.
I have felt that he wants to marry me to become a citizen. But he insists that really what he wants is a family. In fact, I think he prefers to be in Mexico and married than not married to me at all.
It's definately been stressful for me. I have had so much freedom and for someone to tell me to stay at home or not talk to other men is VERY difficult. Most of my friends have been men and I have been a very active person.
For some reason, I can't say good-bye. (I think it's because I care for him, he's been good to me in many ways; but also bad in many ways too---lying, manipulating, mind controlling). And, he refuses to say good-bye. He'll never break up with me. Which drives me crazy.
However, he knows me. He feels he can trust me. And after talking to him about how I want freedom and that I am committed to him; he relaxes and doesn't worry so much.
My Mexican man decided he wanted to marry me a long time ago. I think this is partly why he acts jealous, possessive, etc. In his mind he is already committed. Maybe this is why many Mexican men act this way?
My advice would be to let him know that he is #1 in your life and important. Say and show it in what you do. Then he'll feel comfortable. He wants to know that he's loved, cared for and feels safe that no other man or you (the female) will let him down. He wants to make you happy; but you have to tell him how.
FaustoBrennes wrote at 2010-07-14 22:02:31
The inter-cultural relationship is quite an arcievement to make it succesful, the most important is to be able to know and comprehend your partner and his/her culture. I have troubles in this particular matter since I have issues with my own people. I am very supportive with my couple but most times I've found people who are "way too Mexicans".
I admire and like a lot the American women because their independence and their "out of the box" thinking. I understand the fear of American people about their feel we only seek them to accuire a citizenship. However if I was lucky enough to find someone to build a relationship with, sure I'd love to be with her in her country since this place offers very little resources for human development. Of course I do not want that for our children. My problem is that I am not the average Mexican so finding someone who captives my heart is a little difficult.
telefono1 wrote at 2010-09-17 16:10:46
I have known my Mexican boyfriend for 8 years now. I have had similar issues with him not wanting me to go out late at night alone, going out to social events, being jealous if I talk to another male and tell him about it, him questioning me about what I did all day. However, I have explained to him that me in US and him in MX, I don't want to just sit at home all day alone. I have also explained that it is ok for me to go out late at night to the grocery store without concern for my safety. Explaining to him that you are loyal to him but just want to have some freedom will help. Be sure to let him know you are all about him -by calling, writing or sending him small gifts. Communicate frequently. If he feels confident that he can trust you, then, at least in my situation, I have gained a lot more freedom and we have a better understanding. I hope this helps. :-)
kae wrote at 2011-02-28 06:24:14
It's very enlightening to hear these answers. It is dead on....I have been with my boyfriend for two years. He has left me four times. Always running back with a sorry. I can't really say that I never understood as my best.friend is Mexican and even she won't date a Mexican man. She says they are too much to deal with. I am attractive, and African American...not a combination too often seen. This even makes him jealous. He doesn't even want me to learn spanish for fear that another Mexican man will want me, as If that matters. If someone likes you...they like you.
Even with all the crap. He finally got over it and has changed. But I know my life with him, if I want to be happy with just.him. I will be expected to give up a lot. For he is even jealous of my girl friends.
When he isn't being ridiculous and trying to break me....he is amazing and his capacity to love and care for another person as is.for Mexican people in general, is indescribable....its what draws me to him. But I know we will always have problems. I can not be controlled, and I don't need to be taken care of. and that bothers him very much. But I know no other way to be.
hl0040 wrote at 2012-03-16 05:50:43
I am currently seeing a mexican man and have been for about a year and a half now. What scares me is all of these answers seems to be spot on with my relationship. He is always asking what I am doing, how long it will take, and so on and so forth. I have never done anything "bad" aka-cheating or even flirting with other guys. I am a very loyal person. It seems though no matter how often I remind him of this he is always insecure about our relationship especially in how I go to school (where I might talk to another guy and end up sleeping with him) or how I work full time (where there are a lot of guys). He doesn't seem to understand that we (as independent american women) can have guys who are just friends or talk to guys without wanting to jump into bed with them. He even freaks out sometimes that if I am in a skirt or dress that I am looking for guys to look at me-which is silly because I'm a girly girl who enjoys looking like a girl.
After all of these things though, he is one of the most loving and devoted people I have ever known in my life. He cares for me when I'm sick, stays by my side when things are bad, and is always there (even though we live far away from each other)when I need to talk whether it be 3 o'clock in the morning or mid-afternoon when he is working. He always has time for me.
The cultural differences are great, but I hope, for me and everyone else in a similar situation, that compromises can be reached and through lots of adult communication without manipulation on either side that each person can understand why the other person thinks the way he/she does.
Erwin wrote at 2015-08-24 21:25:58
I am a Mexican man that is married to a Japanese woman. I got a Bachelor´s Degree from an American university and lived in the US for 14 years and moved back to my country one year ago.
I can say I am not typical Mexican or Latin man in many aspects now seeing in one year I have been living here how most Mexican men are. I am rather introverted, shy, frank in speech, punctual, reserved,committed, reliable and deep. I am also faithful to my wife and never cheated on her nor want to as in past relationships, I was cheated, so I know how it feels.
In fact, many of my wife´s Mexican co-workers and some of my local female friends in Mexico tell my wife she is lucky she has me as her husband (I consider myself more lucky to have her honestly) because I do not look at other women or flirt cynically in front of my wife. Even one ex-female coworker tried to hook me up with her as she was envious I chose a foreigner over a Mexican girl (I also noticed that they tend to be envious and resentful most women here in Mexico). So in my experience, not always are the Mexican men who are bad as some Mexican women like or want to corrupt the faithful men. But, I ignored her advances.
Actually, though, in my experience, most Mexican women seem to like the typical Mexican man as in their eyes, they are fun, real men whilst someone who is more introverted is looked down here and is considered "boring". But later, these ladies complain but who is at fault? I think both are equally at fault honestly speaking. That is why I fell in love with my wife as Japanese women and Asian women seem to be more attracted to introverted, ambitious type of men than the superficial, aggressive types that Latin women seem to like more.