AboutMarc Niles Expertise Counseling was something i started in YMCA, New Delhi as a volunteer,..and after having studied so many situations and people, and having analyzed to a point where i was over the top..i believe that having a third person outlook is a sensible guideline into resolving issues....Thats why those people are called counselors..because they see what the other two don't.
Experience i involve myself in arts and sciences,... studying human nature is like a second life to me, and i forever find myself questioning why people do what they do. Its a interesting situation really!
Education/Credentials High school Graduate, Diploma in performing arts, Degree in English (Honors)and now currently applying for a degree in Journalism.
Expert: Marc Niles Date: 7/1/2008 Subject: playing mind games over chilldren
Question QUESTION: My partner plays destructive mind games to hurt my children, if I stand up for my children then we argue and I am ignored for a few days, his issue with my children is as teenagers they don't always listen to him and often backchat. How can I stop him playing these childish games?
ANSWER: hey sally..
thanks for writing in..wow..this seems to be a serious issue here..if things are turning a bit more ugly than you could expect..you should take it to your state law enforcement agency.
see..children are very very sensitive..and typically more clever than grown ups..they will quickly pick up signals and seperate love from hate...since you take their side..they will love you for it..but sooner or later will get fed up that nothings improving..and connect you with your partner as the problem..
if he believes that they dont listen to him..how exactly is he going to make them listen if he is making them hate him more and more?ask him to read journals of kids online with abusive parents..they burn with rage.,.and it usually ends up becoming a problem with their self esteem in their later years..
he needs to really not rotate his life so much around them and stop telling them what to do..they might be teenageers...but he cannot decide whats right for them..depending on his own experiences..
be the middleman..tell him the next time he needs them to do somethin..ask him to let you know so you as a mother can convey it to them..if hes asking them to do something stuipid..use ur mother skills and put it to them in a nicer way..as long as he cares for them..i believe he just isntr able to present his idea to them in the right way..which is where you come in..
however if he is simply out to get them..then youve got a rotten apple on your hands....
also..as for backchatting..!!everyone needs someone to talk to!..someone of their age..right?so they would definitely bachchat!..it makes them feel better and helps them regain their strength..however ask them not to backchat in his presence..thats just rude.
if he is really having trouble communicating with them..arrange for a nice family outing...pick a bright beautiful day..select an outiung that isnt hectic..and go have fun..it will help in the bonding..also..introduce sports to them...buy a baseball mitt..and a baseball and give it to them..theyd love to start a slow bonding process..and also ask your partner to hold back his words..and speak only when really necessary..since children never ever like to be ordered around..not because they dont want to..but because they are learning to grow into the world..and they need to boost their own self confidence by doing what is right..
keep me updated sally! n take care
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QUESTION: Hi Marc, I have already tried what you have suggested. He also has children as well so he prefers to spend his time bonding with his own children and when his children aren't there he only talks to my children if it is to get them to do chores or tell them off for not doing chores etc. He complains about everything not being equal amongst all of our children for example if one of my children eat the last of the favorite breakfast cereal he will tell them off but it doesn't seem to be an issue if it is his child that finishes it. He thinks everything is unfair when it comes to my children, that is why he plays the mind games so he can be mean to my children without actually saying something to them and having them backchat him. Do you have any other suggestions?
Answer yes i do have suggestions.. you need to have your kids and his kids go for a outing...have them hang out together..set up the stage..let them feel each other out....let them get very very close to each other..as in sit down with all of em..ask em what theyd like to do..give em money..ask em to go to the movies together..
as for your partner..you really do need to sit down with him..and talk to him..tell him..his children are missing a mother..while yours are missing a father..and you both need to mutually collaborate to give them the family life they need..
you yourself need to pay more attention to his kids and yours equally....just so he can see that you care about his kids too..maybe he feels insecure about the lack of a mother to them and is trying extra hard..(men can be so immaturer at times..)..but its not a seriously bad problem.. he needs to spend time and explore your own kids.. but you also need to show him that you care bout his kids too..make it equal..
also..tell him that your kids are now his kids too..while his are yours..how can you both work together towards improving their family life..talk to him..tell him honestly that you want the best for all of em..and you both need to work this out together.... if hes got a problem with breakfast cereal..then hes got bigger problems.. someone has to eat the last of the breakjfast cereal..for god sake..or else it woul never get finished..lol...why dont you organise a nice family breakfast in the mornings? or start having everyone sit on the table.....why not have dinner all togfether?... do trhings that involve everyone..and slowly..with time..(but surely) things wil patter down.
