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Mind Games/How to induce love in a woman if you know she once shared the same feelings for you?


Dear Brian,

I'm 18 years old and for most of my teenage years, i've had a dramatic time with this one truly special girl. A girl i really loved and still love. She's everything i would want in a woman and i've always (secretly) hope she'll be my wife one day. I apologise in advance if my english is not perfect. I live in Germany.

It's a very long story, but i'll try to keep my question as brief as possible. I'm sorry if this is still too long.
She is Chinese and her family live in China, so a few years ago she went back to her family to study in China as her family preferred her to study there. Before she left, we were in a relationship and loved each other for a long time. So we promised to continue our love, but at a distance. We would call each other more than an hour each day.

But it was not to last. I heard that distance relationships never do. Almost two years later, just a year before we were planning on seeing each other again, she said that she no longer felt the same as she did. I could anticipate it beforehand, as she was becoming more hesitant to romance, more shy, more distant and less available to spend time with me. I suppose that it was the distance that pulled us apart. I can never remember doing anything wrong, and i was always very loving. I was just a victim of circumstance i guess.

We continued speaking as friends until last november, when we stopped speaking to each other totally. She was too busy studying for her exams everyday (that's asian schools for you) and she didn't have time to spend with me. She wanted to move on, even though she said she'll always have fond and happy memories of me.

Now, it's been almost 5 months since she broke up with me completely, and there's no doubt in my mind that she's still the one i want to spend the rest of my life with. So, i brought a plane ticket with my hard-earned money and i'm going to visit her this summer. i wrote her a letter recently saying that i will be in her city for a while and she can see me for a day or two if she wants. It's up to her. (But of course to me, i'll just see that as my last chance to win her back. The letter is yet to arrive).

I've been researching everywhere on how to induce love in a woman. I know of the hormones (oxytocin, dopamine, etc), the body language (i read many interesting books, like 'manwatching') and just read hundreds of articles online- few good, many quite misleading and odd.

But i'm still very unsure, because no-one has given me a concrete answer on what i should do to induce her past feelings for me, and make me so irresistible to her again. I still don't know what to do, what to say, how to act, etc when i see her. Or how to practise this if needed to.

I hope you could help me Brian. She means a lot to me and i wish to know what i need to do to induce love in a woman towards me, whom i know has the capabilities to. I hope that maybe you can tell me a mind game to play on her, to induce her to fall in love with me again!

Yours sincerely,


Hi Ryan!

Sorry for the late response; I'm pretty busy on weekends and I wanted some time to think about how to answer your question.

First off, don't worry about your English!  It's fantastic!  If I say anything that's difficult to understand, please send me a follow up and ask me what I meant.

Distance is tough.  Not impossible, but REALLY tough.  I know; I'm in a long distance relationship right now.  It's very easy for the distance to add obstacles to or even end a relationship.  In any case it's often hard to know what exactly ends a relationship.  It's often a combination of factors, but distance can certainly be one of them.  As you realized, just like growth, the end of a relationship is often a slow process, which makes sense: it's a big decision.

Now, I was spending some time thinking of how to address the next part of your message without sounding condescending, harsh, or like I'm too old.  So if it sounds like any of those things, I apologize, but here it goes:

When you were very, very young, do you remember ever being obsessed with something like a game or a toy?  Whatever it was, do you remember feeling like it was the best thing ever, and that you would NEVER get tired of it, and probably continue to be obsessed with it even when you got older?  And do you now look back and UNDERSTAND how you felt, but realize that it wasn't true, and that with time your interests and goals change, and so what you want changes, and also that there are many more things out there that you are going to become interested in?

Quite honestly, this is how it is with first loves (or even second, or third, or fourth...#.  I don't mean to say that women are just toys or love is just a game, but that the more you experience things - love, relationships, women, life - the more you realize that what you are fixated on now is not necessarily going to be in line with what you want in the future, and that there are still many great things AND PEOPLE left for you to experience.  It it simply a matter of realizing that what you are feeling now is not going to stay how you feel forever, which is a very challenging thing to do.

That being said, I think I can still answer your question.  The simple answer is: there is NO way to "induce" love in a woman, at least not perfectly.  In other words, you are looking for a concrete answer where one doesn't exist.  It's much like asking "What's the meaning of life?" and expecting one answer to be correct and all others incorrect.  A lot of people claim to have THE answer, but the truth is no one knows, but certain answers work for certain people.  Why is this so?  It's simple: are you the same as every man?  Of course not.  So why would you think that there is one solution that works for every woman?  No two women are alike.  If they were, wouldn't it be easier to just find ANOTHER woman?

Understanding hormones doesn't help you understand how to make a woman fall for you, only what happens when they do, and why they behave certain ways AFTER they fall for someone.  Body language can help, but here's the thing about body language: body language is a product of what is going on INSIDE.  You can fake it for awhile, but ultimately what you are thinking and feeling will be betrayed by your body and women are MASTERS at reading this.  Even if you are successful, you will have been successful because you put on AN ACT #and you will have to continue to put it on#.  So unless your body language ultimately ends up being congruent with your thoughts and feelings, you are simply practicing deception.

Ultimately there is only one thing you can do.  There is only one way to be attractive and then, possibly, "get her back."  Become the man she fell in love with.

I know what you're probably thinking now: "But I am!  I haven't changed!"  Really?  Take your time and think about who you were BEFORE the relationship.  Would you have talked to this girl every day for at least an hour?  Would you have worried about the things you worry about now?  Would you have bought a plane ticket to go to another country just to see if MAYBE you could win her back?  I doubt it.

So why did you change?  The simplest answer is fear.  In this case, fear of loss.

So here is the simple and highly counter intuitive conclusion: When you are in a state of not caring/fearing whether or not you lose her, then you attract her.  Many people will misinterpret this and think they have to be a complete jerk.  No, of course not.  You can want something and still not fear losing it.  I would LIKE for tomorrow to be a sunny day, but I'm not going to be afraid of rain.  The ideal mentality is "I want her back, but IT'S OK if she doesn't come back" said with a smile on your face.  A man who has lost or overcome his fears is a powerful, attractive man, for a variety of reasons that I won't get into #if you are curious, please send me a follow up and ask me#.

Women are geniuses sometimes.  Seriously.  Men, foolishly, ask "what": What should I do?  What should I say?  Women, brilliantly, ask "why":  Why did he do that?  Why did he say that?  Why is he like that?  If a man gives her flowers, she doesn't think about "what" he did #give her flowers#, she thinks "why?" #what was the REASON he gave me flowers#.  This is why you can do something small and she will act like you are Don Juan, but you could also go out of your way and do something special, and she'll never speak to you again.

Think about it.  Would a confident man be afraid of losing a girl?  Probably not.  Would an attractive man who has many choices in women be afraid of losing one?  Probably not.  Would a happy man who enjoys his life, even without his special girl be afraid?  Probably not.  So, a confident, attractive, happy man would probably not be afraid of losing one particular girl.  The corollary is that fear of loss, a desperation to hold on to something, comes from a lack of confidence and/or unhappiness.

So the next question is how.  How do you become that man?  This is the trouble I have with questions asking for concrete answers when it comes to relationships: It isn't an overnight, one step process.  It isn't "here's the instruction manual; follow it step by step and it will work the first time, and every time, with every girl, in every situation." It is a process that takes TIME, and it takes heartache and mistakes and embarrassment and sadness and anger.  It is a lifelong process.  This is also why one particular girl isn't as important as you might think.

In conclusion, I'm not saying she's unimportant or even not good enough.  I'm sure she's an amazing girl, I'm sure she's a great person.  Most of my ex-girlfriends were great.  But becoming the man that induces those feelings in a special woman is not a matter of "tricks" or "techniques", it's about taking your time and building the kind of attractive qualities that will make you happier, more confident and thus more attractive to women, and they're not going to happen overnight.

Really, WHAT you do is up to you.  But how and why are the key.  The best thing you can do with this woman is realize that she is like that toy or game you were obsessed with as a child: something great and wonderful that you enjoyed and liked, but not something you need.  Be willing to lose her, be willing to go back to who you were before her.  If you genuinely feel that and your behavior demonstrates it, she may remember those feelings she had.

Either way, good luck!  If you have any additional questions or if you want me to explain something more clearly, feel free to write me a follow up!

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Besides having an immensely powerful sense of intuition, I am also currently studying (and having been privately studying for years) psychology, and grew up with around psychology and psychologists. I've read considerably in regards to biology, evolutionary biology, genetics, behavior therapy, conditioning and personality. There is almost no human pattern that does not make sense to me (but I'll admit, the opposite sex is a tricky subject!). If someone's behavior makes absolutely no sense to you, I'll be able to help you figure it out, and even give you suggestions on how to deal with it.


As mentioned above, currently studying psychology, a psychology-influenced upbringing, plus countless hours of giving people advice on the behavior of others.

Currently studying Psychology at the California Coastal College.

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