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Mind Games/Move on or try again (continued)?

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Hi Brian!

It's me again (Sheyenne).  The one who asked the "Move on or try again" question.  Thank you for your last response.  It really helped me to realize that this isn't my fault.  I understand that it'll take time to move past this entire thing, and I am working towards that.  However, this situation has taken a drastic toll on my life, causing not only others to worry about me, but I'm sort of afraid for myself.  Do you think this is normal for a situation of this sort?

My relationship with my ex has taken a toll on my grades.  Seeing as he is in another country, it was difficult to talk to him at a reasonable time, so I would often stay up late to talk to him, often skipping my homework and studying.  I don't blame him for this because it was my decision, and he even encouraged me to do my work, I just didn't care about anything else but him.  Also, even when my ex and I were together, towards the end I wasn't really happy.  We would argue all the time and then we finally broke up officially but kept talking.  I started skipping class because I couldn't get myself out of bed.  Then the last time we talked (when he snapped on me), I was on my way to class and as soon as he started spewing hateful messages to me I just burst into tears and couldn't bring myself to go to school.

Since I asked you that first question, I don't cry as much, and I try not to think about him as much either.  I met with my school advisor and she expressed some concern, and has been checking in on me to make sure I'm okay.  I appreciate that, and I am getting more and more motivated to do better and get back to where I was before.  I still haven't looked at his social networking sites because I know if I do, it will hurt to see that he has moved on.  However, every now and then I have those awful moments where I just cry and miss him like crazy.   Even after he told me he doesn't care if we never talk again, even after he told me he wants me to suffer, I still feel the need to be important in his life, and to talk to him and to know that he still cares.  I always wake up hoping to have some sort of apologetic e-mail or text message from him, but it never comes.  Is it normal for a person in this situation to want this?  Am I stupid or silly for missing him?  

I think about those awful things he told me and I wonder if he really meant them, whether or not he just lied to hurt me, etc.  I even had a dream last night that I texted him and received a response that he had blocked me from contacting him.  I woke up in a panic and I was burning up.  You would've thought I had a nightmare about a loved one dying or something.

In the back of my mind, I know that I shouldn't even want to talk to him or hear from him because of the way he has treated me, but I feel like there's something that needs to be said.  I just feel misunderstood, or like I need closure or something.  I haven't heard from him since that day he snapped on me, which hurts because it becomes more and more real as each day passes by.  Not knowing if I'll ever talk to him again breaks my heart.  It just hurts to know that the man I love really hates me this much, and this entire relationship has caused me to change in so many ways.  What's wrong with me?

Answer
Hey again Sheyenne!  I hope this response finds you well.

I can somewhat relate to your experience.  I am going to share a personal story of mine.  I'll skip the details, but the gist of it is I spent a good amount of time with someone similar to the man you wrote me about.  I fell madly in love with her and she was wonderful at first.  But it turned out she was only hiding who she really was.  The real her was abusive, manipulative and deceitful.  

But she couldn't help it. She was also very ill.

Please believe me when I say two things:
1. There's NOTHING wrong with you.  I am a highly confident, optimistic, sociable and well-adjusted person and everything you said resonated with me and my experience.  I went through ALL of that, in my own way.
2. You were lucky.

I want to expand on the second thing.  I highly recommend a site called BPD Family.  Here is the link: http://bpdfamily.com/

I cannot say whether or not the guy had BPD (borderline personality disorder), or any disorder at all, that is for a therapist to judge.  It doesn't even matter.  I recommend that site because it is for people who have gone through the traumatic experience that is having a relationship with someone abusive.  It was immensely supportive for me and what I went through, and it was extremely enlightening.  It changed my view of humanity in a very positive way.  I find myself a much less angry and much, much more understanding person, both with others and myself.  I also learned that I don't need to understand everything in order to move on: sometimes you will meet people in life who will not give you that closure.

You don't even have to join, just read some posts that you think may pertain to your experiences.  I am certain you will realize your experiences are not strange or "wrong" at all.  You will also realize that it could have been much worse, but you were fortunate enough to have made the brave and difficult decision of getting out of it before it snowballed.  Many of the people in that forum were with their significant others for years, many got married and even had children with them.

I know it's hard to comprehend right now, but things will only get better from here on out.  You did the difficult deed, and now you are handling it like a caring, empathetic human being: you are going through the pain of loss.  This is a GOOD thing.  It means you still care about others, you are still hopeful, you still want love and companionship.  It is the people who can cut others out of their lives and not care who we should feel bad for: Sure, they may have this part easy, but in order to render yourself incapable of feeling grief or loss you also have to render yourself incapable of feeling love or happiness.  That's nothing to envy.

You miss him not because you are stupid.  You miss him because you are human.  Don't forget that.  The next man you meet who is worthy of your love will appreciate it.

Take care.

Mind Games

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Brian

Expertise

Besides having an immensely powerful sense of intuition, I am also currently studying (and having been privately studying for years) psychology, and grew up with around psychology and psychologists. I've read considerably in regards to biology, evolutionary biology, genetics, behavior therapy, conditioning and personality. There is almost no human pattern that does not make sense to me (but I'll admit, the opposite sex is a tricky subject!). If someone's behavior makes absolutely no sense to you, I'll be able to help you figure it out, and even give you suggestions on how to deal with it.

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As mentioned above, currently studying psychology, a psychology-influenced upbringing, plus countless hours of giving people advice on the behavior of others.

Education/Credentials
Currently studying Psychology at the California Coastal College.

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