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Mind Games/Move on or try again (update)?


Hi Brian!  

It's Sheyenne again!  I just wanted to update you on my situation.  First off, I'd like to thank you for directing me to the BPDfamily website.  I joined and posted, but eventually I closed my account because I felt as though it would prevent me from moving forward.  I found myself obsessing over "diagnosing" my ex.  I still get up there from time to time, but I think it's best that I don't post.

It has been a month since my ex snapped on me and we last talked.  I'm doing somewhat better, but I have had a few minor setbacks.  The other day, my friend (who is friends with my ex on Facebook) posted a photo of us together.  My ex "liked' it.  I have no idea why.  I feel like I'm looking into it too much.  Maybe he did it  just to do it, or to be a jerk and say "Ah, I see that you still exist.  Still not apologizing."   He knows my friend will tell me if he likes a picture with me in it.

I also had a setback today.  I looked at my ex's social networking sites (which has been the hardest thing to quit since all of this happened), and I saw that he's moving on with some girl.  It hurts so badly.  My heart feels heavy again.  I cried for the first time in a week or two.  The things he said about her on his profile "She looks prettier now than when I met her.  I was drunk."  It just shows that he is still in denial about his issues and would rather run from them and ignore them.  He posted this on his profile that he knows I can see.  Last time when I made him upset he got up there and wrote something indirectly meant for me, so I suppose it's possible that he posted the comment about the girl just so I'd see it.  Or maybe he doesn't care either way.

Sometimes I find myself thinking that I exaggerated all of these occurrences, and that he doesn’t have a drinking, abandonment, or loss problem.  But then I think about all of the reasons my suspicions were raised in the first place and I can tell there's obviously an issue.  He just brushes it off ever so lightly.

I miss what we could've been.  I miss knowing that he cared.  I miss him and it's making it difficult for me to move on.  I don't want to date anyone right now, but since our blowout, I've had two guys show interest in me.  One of them is a friend of mine who I have known for a while. My ex was jealous of him when we were dating.  I told my friend that I am not interested in him in that way, and that I am in no condition to date anyway.  The other guy…I explained to him that I'm just getting out of a bad situation and I thought he understood, but now I'm not sure.  It makes me sick to my stomach to talk on the phone with him and to text him because deep down, I want him to be my ex.  The conversation isn't the same.  I can't fully be myself with him.  It just doesn't feel right.

I'm working on getting my life back in order too.  I'm finishing up my school semester soon.  My grades clearly indicate that I had some sort of awful experience this semester, so I'm looking forward to starting over next year.  My appetite is gone.  I usually just eat salads now because if I eat anything else I feel sick or I can't finish it.  I'm trying to be nicer to my family.  This entire ordeal has taken a toll on my personal relationships because I've been moody and I want to be alone.  

I guess the lingering question that haunts me is "Will I ever hear from him?"  Does he care?  Does he really hate me?  What was the purpose of liking that picture?  Did he post things on his profile because he knew I'd see it?  I know I shouldn't care, but I do.  I fear that I always will.

Hi again!  Sorry for the late response.

I'm glad you found the site of some use.  I can understand the urge to "diagnose" your ex.  I felt it, too, at first, as do a lot of people when they first join.  Personally, I recommend sticking with the site.  Those who do tend to have a newfound insight into abnormal behavior, themselves and the world around them.  Personally, I learned that the diagnosis itself is not that important.  The bottom line is they behaved in a way that was unacceptable and treated us badly, and we don't need to tolerate it.  The members of the site are great for reminding you of that and helping you with questions such as the ones you are asking me now.

Essentially, you are making this about him when it is really about you.  The fact that you still felt compelled to see what he's up to means you still have some attachment issues to deal with.  The fact that you miss him and are sad is normal and healthy.  Even the fact that you have setbacks is normal.  But we must look beyond that: what do they mean?  They mean you are attached to a dream, an illusion.  Why?

I've been down this road as well: No one was my ex, no one measured up.  The reality is, no one ever will.  But if you stick through this, and realize that what you had with your ex was an illusion, what other people can do is show you that you don't have to wade through bullshit to have something normal.  It will take time to realize this, and there is no hurry: it is a process that you build more and more as you go through life, not a switch to find and turn on that changes everything.

The key is the question: Why?  When the negative feelings start, start asking: Why?  Why do you miss him?  Did he really care?  Why do you think so?  When you get answers to those, ask AGAIN.  Keep going until it's about YOU and how you can grow from this.  Any time you find yourself asking about him, ask YOURSELF "Why do *I* want to know if he cares?" "Why do *I* want to know if he hates me or not?" "Why am *I* so interested in the reason he liked that picture?"  That's the only thing that matters.  Trying to figure him out is like trying to reason with a three year old: they can't do it, so it's no use in you trying to do it for them.

Take your time, one day at a time, and please don't give up on that site, or any other similar communities you may happen to find.

Good luck!

Mind Games

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Besides having an immensely powerful sense of intuition, I am also currently studying (and having been privately studying for years) psychology, and grew up with around psychology and psychologists. I've read considerably in regards to biology, evolutionary biology, genetics, behavior therapy, conditioning and personality. There is almost no human pattern that does not make sense to me (but I'll admit, the opposite sex is a tricky subject!). If someone's behavior makes absolutely no sense to you, I'll be able to help you figure it out, and even give you suggestions on how to deal with it.


As mentioned above, currently studying psychology, a psychology-influenced upbringing, plus countless hours of giving people advice on the behavior of others.

Currently studying Psychology at the California Coastal College.

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