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Mind Games/he still wants to keep in touch because he feels bad?

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my (now) ex boyfriend and i have been dating for a year and 2 months.(btw hes smokes weed almost everyday and tries to quit and i can never talk to him seriously when hes high cuz hes completely spaced out and not thinking right)

Anyways Him, me, and his friends were drinking at his house last friday, anyways his friend was talking to me when i went out for a ciggerette and he told me a story when he went to the club with my bf a few months ago...i had no idea he had been going out to clubs, he never told me that, he would always tell me that he got out of work at 8 or 9pm and starts work at 6am so he would tell me as soon as he got out of work that he extremely exhausted and doesnt wanna do anything cuz he works so much..

(btw hes smokes weed almost everyday and tries to quit and i can never talk to him seriously when hes high cuz hes completely spaced out and not thinking right)

But he would hang out with me alot after work, atleast 4/5 times a week..anyways he was asleep when his friend told me that.. so saturday mourning i confronted him about him going to clubs and not saying anything and he started yelling at me and told me that im crazy and that he did tell (but he never did, i wouldve remembered for sure) and he just drove me home.

i called him later that day and he didnt answer his phone...So sunday comes and he still hadnt called me..my dad started to  get very sick and couldnt even walk, my family called the ambulance and he was sent to the hopsital..i went to the hopsital and not long after the doctors said he was ok and that he was just having "vertigo"...they did a cat scan and everything seemed to be ok..nothing serious.

Even though i knew everything was alright i was still freaked out and i knew that my bf can calm me down...so i called him and he seemed concerned and i told him how everything went ok, he said he was happy and he said he wanted to have a talk with me later...

Later on, he calls and tells me hes with his uncle 40 minutes away and didnt have time to see me that day. So the next day (yesterday) he asked to meet up and said he needed to talk to me. Then i met up with him and he tells me that he had been lying alot to me for the past 5/6 months in our relationship..

The lies he finally admitted to me:

he never hangs out with his uncle.
he gets out of work at 5:30pm, NOT 8pm.
he went clubbing 3 times while were together.
he did coke 4 times and extacy 3 times.
the times he told me he was working late, he was actually getting high and hanging out with his friends.

I was completely shocked because whenever i accused him of lying before he would freak out and yell and act like a jerk to me. But he was lying about those things for about the last 6 months of our relationship.

BTW He tried to break up with me before (like 2 times) and would tell me that he thinks he will hurt me and that i dont deserve him. The first time he wanted to break up i started crying and freaking out and begging him not to (i was very stupid)and he took me back..The second time i remained calm and said "thats fine, i dont wanna be with someone that doesnt wanna be with me" then he freaked out and wanted to meet up with me and he kept saying he was sorry like 50 times.

The 3rd time is yesterdat, when he finally admitted all those lies. And that was yesterday. He told me that thats why he wanted to leave me before cuz he felt extremley guilty for lying to me almost all the time and he told me that he didnt wanna officially break up before cuz he was so attached to me and didnt wanna let me go.

I was shocked when he told me all of that, i remained calm and just told him im very shocked and dissapointed. And he said he cant be in a relationship and never wants to be in one cuz he lies alot and doesnt wanna hurt anyone. I was mostly just quiet and i told him that its over and i want my stuff back from his house (my camera, necklace, and hairbrush)..and he said "please dont hate me!! I  dont want u to stop talking to me forever, can we please still be friends? please? i dont want u to hate me forever" and i said that i dont hate him  but i need some space for a lil while and he said "thats fine, i will bring u back your stuff tomorow so just go home and just think about everything" and he said he was sorry like 100 times. I told him hes a scumbag, he knows i hate drugs especially coke or extacy..he also told me he didnt smoke that day cuz he wanted to be sober when he talks to me cuz he gets stupid when hes high. And he said lets still be friends, we should hang out and go to the pool or something and i said "well see".

The whole time i didnt even stare him in the eyes, i was so mad, and he asked me to look at him a few times but i wouldnt.
Anways after we disgussed everything i went home. Today he called me to give me back my stuff from his house. I went to the car and he gave me back my camera and just told me he ordered a cord for my camera and that it will arrive next week. (i lost my camera cord along time ago).

But anyways today he was a little high, he seemed out of it but he wanted to still talk. He told me that when he went home last night he was thinking all night and he wants to start making good changes in his life, never do coke or ex again, and wants to start saving his money, then i told me that i dont hate him but im still mad and shocked and that i really need time for myself and he agreed with me. He told  me that i deserve a better boyfriend and he said he was sure i would find a great guy who wouldnt me like he did. But yet he still wants to keep in contact with me...which is weird.

he was finding excuses to see me (giving me the camera cord next week, i told him im getting my new cell phone and told me to text him as soon as i get it, he told me to give him a call him whenever i want to, he is planning on buying a motorcycle and asked me if i wanna take a ride with him when he gets it and told me hell buy a helmet for me, i have been looking for jobs lately cuz im not working and he said if i find a job that he can always drive me)...anyways i told him i needed some time and he said he understood, then i went home.

..So he still wants to hang out with me even though were not together anymore... What u think about that? Is it because he maybe feels pity for me cuz of everyhing that happened to my dad and the past? or because he still doesnt want to lose me yet? Please help!

Answer
Hey Maggie!

I have to admit, when I reached the end of your message, I was relieved.  I thought you were going to ask me about whether or not you should get back together - the answer would have been a definite NO - but you were asking a very valid, very intelligent question instead.  Don't get me wrong, there is no such thing as a "bad" or "dumb" question, but some questions are certainly more intelligent, or more valid or more worthwhile than others.

Your ex is displaying types of passive-aggressive behavior, specifically it sounds like vacillating passive-aggressiveness.  It is not as overt as some types of passive-aggressive behavior, but it's still there.  Put simply, he believes a real, intimate relationship with you was too much "work", so rather than put in the effort to better himself and the relationship, he vacillates - or switches - between being angry at you and angry at himself.  He has created this negative attitude towards the whole thing, which more easily enables him to avoid the situation altogether.  However, because it is too difficult for him emotionally to just end it, to give it closure, he wants to cling to it by staying friends.  I have a feeling he has gone through this cycle before, and it has begun to feel very comfortable and familiar for him.  He believes, probably unconsciously, that this type of familiar ending is easier and safer than making the effort and taking the risk to improve his situation.

To be honest, you're probably better off not being in a relationship with him.  Whether or not you choose to remain his friend is up to you, but bare this in mind: even a friendly relationship with him is not likely to be much different, just less intense.  If it is still worthwhile to you, then by all means, continue it.  If not, I would recommend, as cordially and considerately as possible, leaving.

Either way, I hope things work out for you!  Good luck, and take care!

Mind Games

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Brian

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Besides having an immensely powerful sense of intuition, I am also currently studying (and having been privately studying for years) psychology, and grew up with around psychology and psychologists. I've read considerably in regards to biology, evolutionary biology, genetics, behavior therapy, conditioning and personality. There is almost no human pattern that does not make sense to me (but I'll admit, the opposite sex is a tricky subject!). If someone's behavior makes absolutely no sense to you, I'll be able to help you figure it out, and even give you suggestions on how to deal with it.

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As mentioned above, currently studying psychology, a psychology-influenced upbringing, plus countless hours of giving people advice on the behavior of others.

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Currently studying Psychology at the California Coastal College.

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