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Mind Games/My boyfriends sweet and he loves me so much it's unhealthy, but is he emotionally immature?


Hi Brian, you seem like you have a lot of experience and I'm hoping you can help me out. I'm 17 and my boyfriend is as well, we've been together for over two and a half years. We have a long distance relationship and usually see eachother atleast 1-2 times a month. I believe he's emotionally immature in some ways, and I'm not sure if I'm right or not or why he is the way he is. Firstly, I'm trying to wait until I'm older to have sex, he wants it desperately. He's gotten me to go further than I've originally wanted before but now I'm set on not doing anything sexual. Whenever we're lying in bed he'll be all sweet and try to make a move, and when I tell him I don't want to, he's suddenly all gloomy and hell act depressed. Then later he'll subtly try again and reacts the same when I say I can't. In a way it's like how a child pouts when he doesn't get what he wants. He'll also say he just wants to make me feel good but gets disappointed when I won't do anything after he kisses me neck or something. I think he's immature in general, his jokes are usually jokes a middle schooler would make and he acts like a little kid sometimes. He'll play around and make dumb noises. A couple months ago his ringtone was him saying "poop". Being places with him is Embarrassing, I once went to target with him and he took my phone and kept walking away from me like he was trying to play chase, and he also ripped open some random stickers without paying for it and just left it there which made me mad.  He's only like this when he's comfortable though, otherwise he's calm and quiet. Before we started dating he was a trouble maker, he'd smoke weed and his friends and him would steal bikes and sell them. He's once told me that in like 6th grade a little person who was an adult man invited him over and they watched a porno and he laughed about it while telling the story like it was funny. I'm sorry I feel like I'm listing everything that upsets me about him, but I'm just confused. Do you think he's emotionally immature? Also I've told him he's emotionally immature  and he gets upset and defensive and  doesn't think he's immature at all. I can't handle cringing because I'm annoyed by his hyper behavior or getting frustrated because he won't stop trying to get me to do things I don't want to do anymore. Please help! (Sorry for the length!)

Hi Brianna!

Sorry for the late response, been a very busy few weeks.  Thanks for your patience!

Not to sound dismissive or anything, but if you're going to ask me if a 17 year old boy is immature, I'm going to say duh!  LOL

But seriously, often when I hear less experienced people claim their boyfriend or girlfriend is immature, it usually just means that he or she doesn't share the same values as they do.  In some cases, it actually means the person is immature, in some it doesn't.  However, I'm going to present you with an unusual perspective: it doesn't matter if he's mature or not.  I've seen relationships between immature and mature people work, sometimes the immaturity even helps!  What I haven't seen is two people who want very different things make a relationship work, and that's what is really important here: values.

I think that is the basic problem here:  He wants certain things (like sex) that you do not, and you want certain things (like waiting to have sex) that he doesn't.  Most boys that age value sex, and there is good reason for them to; their physiological changes demand it.  This doesn't mean you have to, or even should, cave into it.  Even if he has valid reasons for it, they're still selfish reasons, and if he had you in mind a little more, he probably wouldn't be quite so demanding.  In addition, you also have your values for good reasons.  This is, however, very often the reason that women generally prefer older guys: as we get older, through a combination of experience and changes in hormones, sex becomes less of a priority for us (well, most of us, anyway!).

Really, the hard lesson here is this: not every guy you're attracted to is actually going to be the ideal partner for you.  I can definitely see why you'd like a guy like that, but as you seem to be slowly learning, people are more multi-layered than the first impression you get of them.  Ideally what you want is to discover more and more about your partner that makes you respect and admire them more, not increase your doubts and worries.

In any case, I hope that helped!  If you have any additional questions feel free to send a follow up!  I'll do my best to reply faster next time!  :)

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Besides having an immensely powerful sense of intuition, I am also currently studying (and having been privately studying for years) psychology, and grew up with around psychology and psychologists. I've read considerably in regards to biology, evolutionary biology, genetics, behavior therapy, conditioning and personality. There is almost no human pattern that does not make sense to me (but I'll admit, the opposite sex is a tricky subject!). If someone's behavior makes absolutely no sense to you, I'll be able to help you figure it out, and even give you suggestions on how to deal with it.


As mentioned above, currently studying psychology, a psychology-influenced upbringing, plus countless hours of giving people advice on the behavior of others.

Currently studying Psychology at the California Coastal College.

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