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Mind Games/Confused about what he wants


QUESTION: Hello, I will try to make this quick but there are quite a few details I must inform you of so you can give me your best judgement so bear with me.

There is a guy at work, only been there about 2 months. 1 month ago, we noticed each other, and out of the blue locked eyes and seemed to have this sudden connection or attraction if you will. Within the hour he had gotten my number, by saying, "no one ever texts me, you should text me something interesting."

That night it quickly became sexual, he was very avid in responding to all my texts and made it clear he wanted sex, then told me that it needed to happen fast. He seemed very eager. For the next few days this constant sexual flirting went back and forth over text. Then, I brought up that there were rumors about him and 2 other girls at work, that they'd hooked up. I just wanted to know if they were true so I knew what I was getting into . He said they were not true then suddenly changed his eagerness to sleep with me. For the past month he has constantly made it clear he is worried about people at work finding out or even thinking there is anything between us, and this has made him completely halt in any sexual rendevouz with me. He is constantly giving signs he likes me, is constantly flirting, making sexual comments and innuendos, telling me how good he is in bed as if I will experience it. He always smiles as me, and there have even been a couple of times he has said he wants to have sex but for whatever reason I was not available at that time. Once I invited him to come by and I did give him head. Since then, he has attempted to hook up 2 more times and I was unable.

Recently, he made it so I was able to wait for my ride from work in his truck with him while all other employees left. I did not attack him like I wanted to but instead gave him a little feel up and then left to catch my ride, hoping this tease would work in my favor and make him want me more.

He still constantly shows signs of attraction like smiling as me, constantly looking at me, flirting, making sexual comments, grabbing my hand saying he wants to me to feel a lump he is worried about and it turns out being his muscle...things of that nature that make me feel he still wants me. However, when I come onto him in a sexual manner, although he seems to enjoy every minute of it, he does not accept any offers for sex that I give. Just when I think I've turned him on and he will want sex, he does not. Instead he tells me to just be patient, that I need to just be me and makes jokes that I need to earn such a wonderful thing as his sex by just being patient and waiting until he says so.

All these seemingly mixed signals and the feeling I am being strung along are wearing me thin. Should I just do as he says and be patient? Is he telling me to lay off and let him be in charge? Should I play hard to get or totally stop flirting altogether? Is he playing me and not interested at all?

Please give me some insight on what this guy is all about and what I should do next. Thanks so much, I hope you can help.

ANSWER: Hi Adena!

Sorry for the late response and thanks for being patient.

Well, I don't know if condolences or congratulations are in order, but in any case, seems you've met a true player!  In that I mean you've met someone who seems to know his stuff.

There's not too much I can tell you, but I if nothing else, at least I can tell you this:

1. Part of his intention was to get you thinking about him, and he's obviously done that.  LOL
2. He's definitely interested in/attracted to you.  Guys like that who spend that much time and energy on a girl don't do it just for practice, they do it because they're interested.
3. He's interested in having sex with you.  Why or whether or not he wants anything beyond that I can't say, but I'm pretty doubtful.

The only other thing I can really say here is that, in a sense, you are asking the wrong questions: you are asking questions that he wants you to ask yourself.  You are basically trying to figure out what HE wants rather than what YOU want.  All your questions are basically implying you want him to approve of you, and you're willing to do whatever that is.  Are you really?  If so, that's fine, but then the answer is very simple: just do whatever he says.  Guys generally don't "test" women the way women generally test men; he's not looking to see that you'll "figure out" what he "really" wants; he just wants you to do what he says.  I think a more pertinent question that is more conducive to long-term happiness is: what do YOU want to do?  What is of higher value to you, getting this guy or being yourself?  Only you can answer that, though.

Your last quetion was an important one, but kind of fallacious: Why not both?  In my experience as a player and being around them, guys rarely chase after women they're not interested in.  The question is more how interested, and why?  The problem is, that takes time to answer: the more you get to know him the better you'll be able to assess that.

Anyway, sorry if it came across as harsh, but I hope that helped!  Take care, and good luck with whatever happens!


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks so much for your detailed response. I have further events to get your opinion on if you don't mind. I really would like to know how you think I should proceed. Should I just lay off the heavy flirting, sit back and be patient? Ignore him altogether unless he initiates contact?

Recently an ex came into the club. I was all over him. My crush later wanted to know what the deal was and why I still seemed so emotionally affected by my ex. He since then he has been noticeably flirting with other girls. Well, my ex came in yet again and in response he started telling me to say hi to my friend for him when I txted.him trying to get together. Then he kept suggesting we both meet up with him and have a threesome. But he just started this crap since my ex came in. Is he trying to get me back or make me jealous because I made him jealous?

I know he is interested in me. Other people tell me he is, guys tell me that. What would you suggest is the best action for me to take from here on out to win him without seeming desperate? How to I WIN him with class and in a way that proves I'm a keeper and a girl worth seeing again after we do finally hook up?

Any tips and advice would be so appreciated! Thanks!

Hi again Adena!

Oh boy.  While I understand what you're asking, and it's a very common question among both men and women, it seems what I tried to communicate earlier didn't seem to quite sink in.  Allow me to try again.

Your question was "how do I win him with class?"

The answer is quite simple: you don't.

See, the problem with your question is what you're effectively saying is "There are two things I really want, but I can't decide which is more important.  Maybe there's some magic way I can get both every time!"  I'm afraid there isn't.  Your values have to be prioritized.

It's funny how much we can learn about people through their questions.  When you ask someone a favor you can tell immediately, intuitively, that the person who says "How can I help?" has a very different character than a person who asks "What's in it for me?"

The first part of your question (how can I win HIM) tells me you are still very concerned with what other men think of you, whether they want you or not.  This could be for a variety of reasons, but probably either because you value the approval of others very highly, maybe too highly, or you feel some sort of satisfaction out of "winning" people.  Personally I don't recommend this sort of value, but it's your life, and if that's what you truly want, it's pretty easy to get it: like I said earlier, just do whatever he wants.

The second part of your question, however, points to what I think is a healthier value: "with class".  You still maintain having class as a personal value.  It is important for you to be a classy individual, which is good: THAT is totally in your control.  Winning other people is not.

I hope you are beginning to see the problem here: there will, almost inevitably, come a time where you'll have to choose: which is more important, giving up your personal values to win someone, or giving up someone to keep your personal values?  Your life decisions make be vastly different, and so your life may turn out vastly different, depending on how you ansswer that question.  So you see, the answer to your question is you don't.  Sometimes you can't.  You either win as many people as you can, however you can, or you become a classy person and win some people and lose some people.  And you don't get to choose which people, either.

I guess I want to leave you with this: is it really so important that you win people who are interested in you?  Is it really so important to prove to others who you are?  Or is it more important to become an interesting person?  Is it more important to prove to YOURSELF what kind of person you are?

Take care, and good luck with everything.  :)

Mind Games

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Besides having an immensely powerful sense of intuition, I am also currently studying (and having been privately studying for years) psychology, and grew up with around psychology and psychologists. I've read considerably in regards to biology, evolutionary biology, genetics, behavior therapy, conditioning and personality. There is almost no human pattern that does not make sense to me (but I'll admit, the opposite sex is a tricky subject!). If someone's behavior makes absolutely no sense to you, I'll be able to help you figure it out, and even give you suggestions on how to deal with it.


As mentioned above, currently studying psychology, a psychology-influenced upbringing, plus countless hours of giving people advice on the behavior of others.

Currently studying Psychology at the California Coastal College.

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