Molestation/Sexually Assaulted and tired of it
This is the first time I ever write to/ tell someone about this and I really need some help.
I was sexually assaulted for 6 years (until I reached the age of 13) by my cousin and my mother found out when I was 15. She tried to make it seem less important than it actually is but I ignored that and it didn't bother me at the time because I thought I was over it anyway, and I've been dealing with it alone already so who cares if mom believes me, right?
I'm 17 now and lately I noticed that it IS bothering me. Now I should mention I got assaulted again when I was 15 years old by a middle aged woman who pounced on me when I was on my way home and that sort of brought back memories... I didn't tell my mother about that, obviously.
My friends and cousins love my mom. She's so understanding and talks to them like they're adults and stuff. Today I heard her talking to my younger cousin on the phone telling her that its okay to be depressed, and my cousin's depression is completely due to the fact that she just passed puberty and she's hormonal. She even told her that therapy would be good for her. But every time I look upset, mom tells me I have a perfect life and that I should stop exaggerating.
Exaggerating? I didn't have a childhood. I was objectified my entire life. I hate the feel of my own skin. I don't even let anyone hug me. And mom slapped me on the face when I flinched when she once tried to kiss me on the cheek. I swear it was a reflex.
No one was there when HE made me do those things. And when they found out, they ignored it because.. what? Because it was too shameful for them to admit they didn't notice it happening?
I swear to God, I tried to get over it. I tried so hard. I want to be able to live my life the way my friends do but I can't because some nights I can't even sleep, because every time I close my eyes, I'm back there on that bed under HIM.
Is what I am feeling wrong? Am I exaggerating? And is it wrong that I resent my mother for caring so much about others' problems and pretending I have none?
Sandra, It would seem that your mother is avoiding the issue because it was a family member, apparently. Sad that she doesn't understand the after-effects of your years of abuse. Maybe it triggered some of her history and she doesn't want to revisit that again.
It does NOT just go away on its own. No matter how long ago it has happened, the memories are still stored in your subconscious and in your body's cells.
Addressing your specific questions:
Is what I am feeling wrong? NO, it is normal for a victim of sexual assault/abuse.
Am I exaggerating? NO, not at all. Many sexual assault victims turn to drugs, alcohol, food and other ways of self-medicating, when they don't have effective therapy.
And is it wrong that I resent my mother for caring so much about others' problems and pretending I have none? NO, not at all. Shame on her for just brushing your welfare and mental health aside, because she doesn't want to deal with the family consequences.
Sandra, you need effective healing work/therapy to release these traumatic memories. Try this first, before you spend time and money on "talk therapy" and having to deal with the side-effects of prescribed drugs.
Some of the many home sites for EFT in the US are www.eftuniverse.com, www.eft.mercola.com, www.eftstatements.com
For information that you and your mother should be reading:
This EFT "tapping" technique has been around for more than 25 years, is highly effective and is very appropriate to help you neutralize your sexual trauma memories, so you can have a happy, productive life that will eventually include intimate relationships that you can enjoy someday.