Molestation/loving the man behind bars
My husband and I have been together for 10 years and married for 8. We have an 11 year old daughter, who is not his biological child, and we have a boy and girl together, 7 and 5 respectively. He has raised my daughter as his own because her biological father never has been or will be in the picture. We werenít the perfect family as everyone has problems, but weíve always managed to make it through together. On Tuesday evening my 11 year old handed me a letter telling me her daddy has been sexually abusing her for about a year. I immediately took all three children and left the house, telling him we were going to look at Christmas lights. We went directly to the police station instead. Long story short, on Thursday evening he was arrested on child molestation charges after he admitted it to the authorities during an interrogation. From the time she handed me the letter on Tuesday until Thursday when he confessed, all of my actions outwardly were all as if this were true (immediately notifying authorities, meeting forensic appointments, not telling my husband where we were even though I did not fear for our safety, etc.). However, in my heart, I thought my daughter was lashing out and the evidence would prove that and once it did, we would move forward with getting my daughter some help. When I was informed that he confessed, I was in complete shock! I have not eaten or slept, I cannot function in the day to day activities. I can handle other things such as our son falling and having the take care of his injuries, but I canít seem to do the normal things like getting them ready for school/church or cooking or cleaning or anything. My parents are having to take care of my children right now, because I just stand there staring, not knowing what to do like Iím a child myself. Iím beating myself up because I know all 3 of my children need me right now. They need their mommy to do the daily things like sheís supposed to and they also need me to take care of myself so I donít end up in the hospital, but I canít make myself. I havenít even showered in 3 days!
The other major issue I have is that I still love the man thatís behind bars right now. I know what I did was right, but I hate it. I hate seeing him in that jumpsuit, behind barbed wire! I miss him so deeply! Heís not a monster, heís just a man that needs help because he doesnít know how to have a father/daughter relationship with a young girl. Heís not classified as a predator thatís going to go seeking playgrounds or things like that. My children miss him too, including the 11 year old. She loves her daddy and told me just tonight that sheís worried about him because she doesnít want him to get hurt in jail because the people in jail are mean. I love him and want to talk to and see him. I wait on him to call (though the children have no idea who Iím talking to Ė I would never let them know), I canít take his wedding ring off my thumb, I stare at his pictures and cry, etc. On top of all of this, I hate myself for not hating him, or even being angry with him. I feel like Iím not doing my daughter justice by still loving him and not instantly wanting to shoot him. Even the investigators know that he would lay his life down for me, he just needs help. I know that I canít help him in anyway, post bail, make suggestions, give him any of the letters the kids have already written to him, etc. But that doesnít mean I donít want to.
Everyone is telling me not to beat myself up for not seeing the signs. They donít understand that Iím not beating myself up for that, I beating myself up for not being able to take care of my kids, for loving my husband and missing him, for not asking my daughter if she wanted to handle the situation differently. She said tonight that when she told me she thought I would just talk to daddy and make him stop, but she didnít know that he would go to jail. She loves her daddy and didnít want this, she just wanted him to stop.
Please help me! We just went through something major a couple years ago and made a promise to each other that we would make it through anything together. Will we make it through this? Am I crazy for not hating him and holding on to a little hope that years from now, when heís out of prison that we may be able to be together? Right now they donít, but when the kids are old enough to understand, will they hate me for even wanting to be with him? How do I pull myself together for my children right now? I know the eat, sleep, shower part, but how do I make myself do those things when I canít seem to move?
Thank you so much!!
Andrea, your husband surely needs some counseling/therapy to see what was driving his actions with your daughter. The revealed secret is obviously a shock to your psyche and to your heart, which is understandable. He made a terrible mistake in judgment and it needs to be corrected. It doesn't mean he is a horrible person, but he has to deal with whatever was driving his behaviors and make amends to your daughter. Simply asking for forgiveness and having it accepted is a good start to the healing process for all of you, if that hasn't been done already. Now, there are two immediate victims and two more in the crossfire. You can't undo what has been done, but there is emotional assistance and healing available. Sites like www.rainn.org have support systems available for sexual assault victims, throughout the US.
Your daughter needs some deep healing of her traumatic past, so that she can move through this and be a balanced and loving woman in the future, instead of a traumatized sexual assault victim. My choice for trauma treatment is the EFT process. I would check for an experienced EFT practitioner in your area and seek them out immediately.
Some suggestions to find someone in your area...
EFT and energy medicine healers may or may not be affiliated with insurance companies, but may use it as an adjunct to their regular therapy practices that are covered. The beauty of this work is that it will pull you out of your current "funk" very quickly, without drugs and months/years of talk therapy. I have been offering this work to clients for over 20 years and it is effective in over 90% of cases/sessions. This kind of therapy work might seem way "out there" if you haven't been exposed to this type of healing work, but it is recognized world-wide as an effective and rapid treatment technique. Your whole family needs to be healed and the traumas neutralized so that your lives can move forward.
I realize that this has been a terrible shock to you and these kinds of events make you start looking back at a lot of decisions made in the past, creating self-doubt and that paralyzing feeling that you are experiencing now. Know that with some direct help and continuing healing of your family unit that you will all get through this and be okay in the future.