Hi! I'm a 20 year old female! I was wondering if being molested has affected me? And how I can change some of the things I'm feeling and doing. I just started looking for Answers about myself when what I've been doing and feeling in relationships (now its becoming a self esteem issue). I'm not sure when It first happened but I can pinpoint age 6-8 for sure! But my older cousin (not blood related) used to touch me and make me perform oral. This happened several times that I can remember but maybe more.. Anyway I told my parents when I was 16. And have always acted like it was no big deal and didn't think about it but now I'm starting to feel like its affecting me. I've been sexually promiscuous since I was 16. I have been with girls/guys and it means nothing. I have done pretty good for myself/ don't do drugs etc but I feel like I'm moving backwards in time. I have had some good relationships and bad. I go from loving my partner to not feeling anything for them. I have always cheated on my partners.. It's not that I want to hurt them but I really don't care at the time! When I tell them I love them I really mean it though?! In highschool I wasn't popular but I was confident! Had good friends and really enjoyed myself.. Up to date I'm self conscious and nervous around people. I'm now at home on the farm with my parents cause this is where I can function. Sometimes ill feel on top of the works to where I feel so low. I go from happy to depressed (hasn't been as bad since I've been living with my parents) I remember this one time listening o te radio.. There was a Rock song followed by a county song. One minute I was a rock star and the next I was a rodeo queen.. It doesn't sound that wired but I really felt like 2 different people! One minute I was all one thing and the next all the other! I find its hard to make big decisions for myself and Rely on my dad. I am super close with my dad and feel like he's the only person I can really count on. I feel like I'm not honest with myself because I don't even know what I think!?? I lie easily and It comes out naturally. Right from something simple to something meaningful! But it's because I really don't even know. In summary.. I hope this can kinda explain how I feel! I kit need something in the right direction cause I'm tired of being like this. I used to say of kill myself rather then be like this but then I just think ill be stuck the way I am so just deal with it! I feel like its limiting my happiness in life though
Shawna, The negative effects of childhood sexual molestation are well documented on dozens of websites.
At 20, your brain is still maturing and making new connections in the pre-frontal cortex and this continues until about age 25. This alone can create a lot of confusion for young adults.
You should be evaluated for signs of depression and/or bi-polar mental conditions, from a licensed professional.
I always suggest that everyone learn the EFT process (emotional freedom technique), sometimes called "tapping" which is easy to learn and can bring about profound changes in people who are suffering from PTSD due to childhood trauma memories.
See sites like: www.eft.mercola.com, www.eftstatements.com, www.eftuniverse.com and many others.
EFT can be a powerful healing tool that doesn't involve drugs and years of talk therapy, which is what many doctors are trained to do, unfortunately. I have used EFT for over 20 years with great success and many cases were due to sexual abuse/assault trauma.
Asking for help and owning up to your past is a good way to start your healing process. It sounds like you have a safe environment at home, so take advantage of this time to heal your mind, body and spirit, as much as possible.