Molestation/Could I have been molested?
Ok so im a girl and lately I've been wondering if I was molested as a child . I cant remember much from when I was 3-5 I only remember bits and pieces of that time period . I am 16 now and am guessing that may be normal . Also I remember when I was six I went over to my friends house a couple of days after thanksgiving and her dad had to take me home , but he had to stop by the bank and he left me in the car for a few minutes . While he was gone I remember thinking what if he raped me or almost wishing that he would . I have one memory I don't know how old I was but my older brothers friend that I had a crush was just pretending to chase me and I hid under the blankets but while I was under the blankets I was thinking what if he kissed me I don't know if that's normal to think because I have no idea how old I was , but anyway I have no memory of anyone molesting me , but have been interested in sex and stuff like that since I was like six . I remember when i was 7 i was kind of excited to watch a Oprah show with my mom and it was on sex trafficking , like I was interested in it because it had sexual stuff on it . Then after that I remember imagining people touching me (not after the show but like when I was 10) and I have no clue why I did that I then I think I was 11 when I started looking up naked people on YouTube and trying to watch sexual stuff and tried to look up things about people having sex . I don't know if its because I went through puberty at age 11 and just began to be curious or what. I started touching myself at 12 I think or I had just turned 13. I started watching porn on my tv around that time and touch myself like daily . Also when I was in the 5th grade I had a male teacher He used to give everyone back rubs and I liked that . The lunch bell rang one day and we all walked in and I saw a girl sitting on his lap and I was jealous wishing it was me and wishing he'd touch my leg and butt and stuff . At the age of 13 I started talking to boys inappropriately and talked to them about sexual things boys that were like 15,16 and when I was fourteen I talked to a 24 year old boy inappropriately . I still imagine me being in a dark placed chained and people beating me and raping me and I hate it I try so hard not to think about anything like that but it won't ever leave me alone . I am very paranoid and hate sleeping in my room with the door open and I have trouble sleeping sometimes . I always think to myself what if somebody tries to rape me or whenever I meet someone new like if I have a male teacher ill just imagine them raping or touching me and it makes it awkward like I hate thinking like that. It's even gotten to the point were I can't even trust my dad , I know he would never do anything like that to me, but it's hard to trust him . I don't want to tell my parents about any of my feeling because they'll probably think I'm crazy and I don't know if I'm just crazy or if something might have happened to me and I just can't remember . I need some advice
Here are some sites to look at, in regard to the normal sexual development stages of each human being.
and there are many more out there.
I think you will see that your stages of sexual development closely follow what is a normal pattern.
What has skewed your emotional/mental development is going online to porn sites and fantasizing about all of these sexual situations and making them "real" to your mind-body. There is a fine line between sexual "instruction" (we all have to learn about these stages somewhere along the line) and sexual obsession/dominance. The study of tantra is described as the study of conscious loving, wherein you merge the sexual pleasure part with the emotional connection with your partner in true loving energy and intent, not to just "get off" sexually. Unfortunately, this kind of approach isn't taught in schools or by most parents, who see sexuality as a bodily function and not as an integrated part of your sensuality and a deep part of sexual intimacy.
At 16 you are about into the middle of your own sexual maturity, physically and mentally/emotionally and the fluctuating hormonal cycles you experience will spike your sexual feelings even further. These are dangerous times for teen girls, as they are highly fertile and so many wind up as teen moms, which stunts their whole life cycle as a developing woman with a life purpose that will be blocked/hindered by raising a child, often on her own. Even if you escape that fate, there are many STDs out there that can cause permanent damage to your sexual organs if you don't use a condom and pick partners carefully. Porn sites don't portray all those very real and dangerous aspects of sexual contact.
When children are sexually assaulted, it sets up a lot of emotional and behavioral changes, which then generates PTSD reactions. I am not getting that kind of response information from your question here, so I think that you are just very highly sexually sensitive and aware.
Teasing teen (or older) boys, sexually can trigger a rape/sexual assault situation when you find someone who is highly sexually charged as you are and while that seems exciting to you, the reality of being raped and assaulted is not what it seems in your porn dreams.
A useful "relaxation" tool is called EFT (emotional freedom technique) which is easily learned and used in almost any situation. It "looks funny" when you are doing it, but it is very effective, so excuse yourself to the ladies room and "tap yourself" privately to release the feelings you have or do it in your room. Find out more about it at many EFT sites like www.eft.mercola.com or the home site: www.emofree.com
If you search "EFT" and your home city, you should find EFT practitioners who can do a session or two with you, showing you how to use it and to help discharge these "feelings and fears" about sexual dominance and rape scenarios. You DO have to be aware of how you present yourself to men and not allow yourself to become a victim of sexual assault, but EFT can help you release your anxiety about your sexual fears.
Best wishes for fulfillment of your true destiny,